Anxiety about seeing a girl I used to date

[AndrewNolan]

Hi

Tried posting this before but it ended up being an essay so aiming for something a bit shorter this time!

Long story short - I've always struggled with relationships with the opposite sex. I didn't even have sex until this year! Which is really hard for me to admit.

Unfortunately this came to a head last year when I met a girl who I fell completely head over heals for. Even better she liked me too! We were friends initially but one night she told me she was in love with me. She didn't give me the chance to answer though and I had no idea what to say.

She ended up driving off in a taxi and leaving me on my own. This led to me becoming very anxious and things became very tense between us over a period of several months. I never got to express how I felt about her despite the fact that I manged to get her out on a couple of dates. I was just too frustrated, tense, anxious and stressed and she was exactly the same.

We fell out as did me and a couple of our mutual friends. I developed GAD and depression and moved away for a few months. Had a couple of one night stands with girls which helped me at least get over my worry about having sex/expressing feelings.

However, now I'm back but still fixated on this girl I used to date. However, seeing her is enough to induce severe anxiety in me. I'm a complete mess around her.

What I want to do is be able to move on, seperate myself from my feelings for her and be able to start pursuing other opportunities. But I have no idea how to do this? Does anyone have any advice? I'd also appreciate any tips on how I can remain calm around her (we live very close to each other so it's inevitable that I'll see her again).

Thanks

A

[machine]

I'm not sure I get this. You say you want to move on and separate yourself from your feelings yet feelings are generated by thoughts so you must be thinking about her??

If you want her mate, like a Billy Joel said just tell her about it. Throw caution to the wind and go with your gut.

[AndrewNolan]

Yeah sorry I cut quite a bit out of the account to make it more readable.

I think I omitted the bit where she no longer feels comfortable around me because I was always so anxious/stressed around her. She started excluding me socially as a result and now we no longer talk.

Hence my fixation is completely counterproductive.

Does it make more sense now?

[machine]

Well, avoid her where you can and give it time. Have a good think about why you were so anxious around her in the first place and then work on it.

[AndrewNolan]

I'd love one day to be able to have a chilled and relaxed conversation with her about my anxiety and how it affects me and therefore has led to problems between us. But unfortuantely she's not emotionally avaliable so all attempts to have that kind of conversation end in failure (she just thinks that I'm blaming her!). So yes I'll do as you suggest and continue trying to avoid her. Hopefully one day I'll meet someone more understanding :-)