Rumination and trying to find a solution

[phil6]

I am 60 years old and again find myself in the pit of anxiety and depression.
I have started medications again. This time trying mirtazapine for the first time.
I am also in the midst of CBT.
I had a very good day yesterday although very tired due to the mirtazapine.
My mind felt free to watch the TV and relax a little.
This morning I wake and managed to bring on my anxiety with some thoughts that I have learnt to recognise.
The obvious thought was have I got anxiety or is it coming back. And of course it starts my stomach churning, and then the negative thoughts pile in.
However, cutting through all the rubbish that my mind is coming up with, I do feel that the underlying activity in my mind is all about finding a solution, a way to think that it can accept and go forward with. My mind simply requires that I find an answer to the problem. An answer to the questions, what am I doing wrong, how am I thinking incorrectly. It almost demands to find answers to these questions so that my body can calm down.
I am sure I have come up with this before but I do believe that the trying to find an answer is actually the problem. Is it just that there is no answer. Is it simply that my mind cannot accept that I do not have and will never have a solution.
This feels right and so I should stop trying, but when I think this my mind won't have it. It accepts this for less than a second and then wants to clarify the situation, in other words it wants to know that this is the solution....
Just how do I convince my thinking mind that it doesn't need a solution. It just needs to stop trying to find one, and that is the solution.
This is such a paradox.
Sorry if this seems a little deep, but I post it as I believe it is at the bottom of much of the faulty thinking which maintains anxiety and depression.
I would be interested in your thoughts.

And just to say.... Why am I posting this? It because my mind wants reassurance.... It's a real child isn't it.
Phil

[PanchoGoz]

This is great insight Phil, a big step forward to realise the unending nagging of anxiety is nothing but nagging, like a whiny child.
I suppose once you have told yourself you have all the answers you need and you don't need to find anymore, then you learn thought control strategies. Here I use mindfulness, whe I can I recognise the thought develop and I stop adding to the story and let it just dissipate. You can look down on the questioning impartially and say "look, there's all those thoughts whirling round again". If your mind is bored, you can play a mind game to keep it distracted. Just don't fall back into the trap and you won't get any worse.

[phil6]

Thanks Pancho,
I am learning a lot even though I am not new to this disorder.
It is strange that even after trying and failing to find a solution over many episodes in my life, I still feel the urge to fix myself.
I know this is a mistake, but even not trying can be a battle in itself and just another tricky trap.
I think that is where I am at present. Trying to give up the struggle rather than just giving up the struggle. It is so hard to just allow yourself to be as you are for now.
You notice I add the words "for now" which sort of demonstrates that I want to be different, and am still wanting the anxiety to go away.

Phil

[Tanner40]

I'm not sure there ever comes a time when we don't want the anxiety to go away, Phil. I find that I can accept that it's there on one level, truly accepting the fact that it can't hurt me. On another level, of course I want it to go away.

I think there is a difference between wanting anxiety to go away in the moment , the symptoms, the feelings of being out of control, the racing mind, etc.... And a difference in wanting long term recovery with a feeling of peace.

For me, the key is accepting the anxiety in the moment and not trying to make the symptoms go away, yet doing all of the appropriate and positive things that will lead to recovery in the long term. Possibly it would help if you could think of the anxiety on two different levels. Momentary versus long term.

I accept the momentary anxiety but am still working towards long term recovery.

[phil6]

Thanks Tanner,
Yes, mindfulness is very much about accepting the way it is in the present. You are right.
I suppose I am falling into the trap of wanting to do this right, if there is such a thing as the right way. Once I feel the anxiety, it feels like I should do something, and it is very difficult to reject this feeling or thought. I don't think it is possible to do anything other than want to get better, but like you say, if you can just allow yourself to feel anxiety, which includes all the faulty thinking, one moment at a time then you are promoting eventual peace.
Phil