View Full Version : One last thread before xmas
As many will know my ex husband, father to three of my children died a week today to cancer.
My HA has been worse with all the emotional stress I am under.
I have had a GP tell me my mouth 'sore' is fine, the dentist wasn't concerned either. He described it as a lesion, but it is flat, not open, growing or bleeding.
Yesterday I went to see my dentist again who has now referred me. I am sure logically that he did it as I kept going up there about it. I am now getting physical sensations in my mouth like something is stuck there, but probably just my anxiety.
So. I have to wait until after Xmas for my appointment.
I like reassurance but I am asking you to help me with something else this time. I look in the mirror at it with a light a few times a day. I hate it when the GP's shut over xmas so don't want to get in a mess by looking at it when I can't see anyone about it, especially when Xmas is going to be hard enough as it is. Would it be ok for me to try not to look at all until after Xmas? would that be irresponsible? Shouldn't I check it incase it changes. I feel like I need permission to let it go for a few days and it isn't stupid of me to do so.
Also, how the hell would I manage it? any tips. Not looking will be tough.
This part my be distressing for certain people as it involves talking about death ... so you have been warned...
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I went to see my ex husbands body on Wed. I sat with him and touched him. Yesterday I took two of my children and watched my child lay and cuddle his dead father and sob into his chest :( That was some intense exposure therapy right there, huh?
For someone like me it took a lot of strength to do this. I am scared of dying and there I was touching and talking to a loved one who died.
I am more scared of leaving my children behind and now I am living with watching the devastation it causes when a parent dies.
Awww.. Hypo,
I'm so sorry to hear :( I knew he was bad but I didn't know he passed. Peace and Prayers be with you and the kids.
To answer your question. Yes, without any doubt in my mind you can leave it alone. IF.. and you know I think it's a HUGE IF, it was sinister, a few days won't make any difference whatsoever. In fact, a few weeks wouldn't make a difference. You know about my situation. The docs said I had it for at least a year before it showed itself so a week or two won't matter.
Please... be with your kids, heal, enjoy the holidays the best you can and do your very best to put this away for the next week.
Positive thoughts
Hi hypo, I'm sorry things are so bad for you at the moment.
I'm sure that your obsession with your mouth is a reaction to your ex-husbands death, and it will be perfectly ok not to check it for a week or two. I have decided to do exactly the same thing. I have a recurring pain in my side and I have said to myself that I will not press,keep checking it and will not obsess about it for 2 weeks (or at least until the drs are open again after Xmas).
Although this will be hard to put into practise I feel a certain amount of relief in having made a decision. It takes the pressure of me for a while.
I know that 2 weeks is unlikely to make any difference, and I can have a worry-free Christmas (well, sort of)!
It is still very early days since your ex-husbands death and you are bound to feel a whole range of emotions. There is no reason to think because he died that you will. That is just the anxiety talking.
Have you thought about grief counselling? Just to talk about it to someone?
---------- Post added at 19:51 ---------- Previous post was at 19:48 ----------
Also, well done for facing your fear and saying goodbye to your ex.
I remember when I went in to say goodbye to my dad after he had passed - I was terrified but I am SO glad that I did it.
It made me feel better in the long run. Sometimes the best way to get over our fears is to face them head-on
I'm so sorry, Hypo, for the grief and stress you're experiencing right now.
I think not only would skipping the throat viewing be okay, I think it's the best thing you could do for yourself and I'd encourage you to let it go even after the holidays if you can. No, you shouldn't check it in case it changes, especially not several times a day; it's not going to change in any way you'd need to do anything about.
You have better things to do right now--just think of how much more time it gives you to be with your family if you let this go.
So sorry to hear about your loss, Hypo. Now is the time to be with your children and those you love. I am certain that it will be good for you not to look at your mouth until after the Holidays. Distract yourself with something else whenever you think about checking. Try to find some peace and joy for yourself and the kids during Christmas.
I can only echo what the others said Hypo, the advice given is spot on.
I am so very sorry for you and for your children. xx
I am sorry to hear of your loss and this must be a very emotional time for you. I think you should be reassured by the doctor and dentist saying it is fine and I am sure he has referred you for more reassurance. Try not to look at and spend the time with your children doing special things with them to help them through this difficult time. Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Thank you everyone.
Well I checked this morning :sigh but I only looked twice. For me that is good. I only have a flash light on my phone and my husband is looking after my phone for the day so I don't get tempted to use the light on it.
Tomorrow is a new day, right?
I can't do anything if it changes anyway until my appointment comes through can I? even if it did get worse I would still have to wait.
I'm so sorry for your loss please try and have a peaceful Christmas and no looking in your throat Simi
I too can echo the thoughts of others.
So sorry:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Thank you everyone.
Well I checked this morning :sigh but I only looked twice. For me that is good. I only have a flash light on my phone and my husband is looking after my phone for the day so I don't get tempted to use the light on it.
Good for you!
Tomorrow is a new day, right?
And the day after that and the day after that :)
I can't do anything if it changes anyway until my appointment comes through can I? even if it did get worse I would still have to wait.
100% correct. A week from now will still be another new day ;)
Positive thoughts
Well done, Hypo. You're doing really well!
I remember a few months ago when I thought a mark on my bottom lipwas cancer, I got so scared to look at it every day I would put my lipstick on without a mirror - not a good idea.
Coco the clown springs to mind....
Hope you are ok today.:)
Not checking is going to kill me!
How am I meant to get through the next week with oral cancer no doubt?
Hypo when I have a worry that keeps coming back into my mind I try to consciously let it go. So I say to myself "right now in this moment there is nothing I can do to control this worry, I *have* to let it go".
It's actually a bit easier than you'd think, and it gets easier as you do it. You just have to keep watching your thoughts.
You're doing everything you can about the OC fear, you've taken lots of positive steps towards making sure your mouth is healthy. So do your best to trust that you've done the best you can with the tools you have right now. I know it's hard for you right now though.
I'm so sorry for you and your children to lose their dad in a shocking way like this. Be gentle with yourself, the stress will naturally be tough on you x
Thank you Honey Love.
I can't do anything even if it changes over the next few days anyway can I?
---------- Post added at 15:00 ---------- Previous post was at 14:42 ----------
I looked again and it looked worse than ever.
My phone has been took off me again.
Not checking is going to kill me!
I know this is said as hyperbole, but I think it also reflects the OCD side of HA--part of you really believes that checking in its own right protects you against the bad stuff.
And this is a classic case where checking does absolutely nothing. There is nothing you're going to see in your throat in the next week that would make any difference to what happens in your future. Not even the bad things you're catastrophizing about operate in a way that makes a difference whether you spot it today or next Monday. Checking is not the same thing as control over the situation. Don't believe your brain when it says it is.
What can you do for and with your kids to change your focus? That would be a great service to them, because they must be suffering terribly right now as well. I'm so sorry that you and they have to go through this.
I have been pretty busy today up until now with shopping which helped.
The boys are now playing on their Xbox.
Tomorrow we plan to do a lot of baking and general prep for Xmas day which they will help me with then hot chocolate and films!
They are very up and down, actually, Xmas is helping keep their mind off things for a while. We have had awful days and this week has been horrendous but the last two days have been easier for them. I know they will crash again soon and possibly Xmas day when they miss their dad :( I know the good two days are short lived so I should make the most of this little respite.
These last 8 days have been brutal, emotionally. I am now starting to feel like I have some energy. For 7 days I have sat around hugging the children, talking to them, answering questions, viewing his body, calling schools, grief counsellors etc. Seeing them hurt so much is the hardest thing I have ever been through. The thought of them going through this is I die is evil.
You are right, I DO think I can control it if I keep looking at it. It's not like I can just pop into hospital over Xmas to get them to look earlier, I just have to wait for my appointment. Logically I know there is nothing I can do now, just wait for my appointment, but the anxiety side of me says that if I don't check and it gets worse it will be MY fault if I die.
Not looking increases the anxiety for a while, but then looking does too. I guess breaking the cycle of looking is what is healthiest for me in the long run?
Do you suggest I just don't look at it? Just feel the anxiety and not give into the checking?
I also have two really sore gums. Just swollen and bleeding a lot. Apart from cleaning them more I can't do anything about that until the dentist re-opens. They hurt like mad when I floss them but self care will hopefully sort them out.
Hi Hypo,
Although I know it is really hard, I would not check anymore. I find that I don't really get reassurance whether I check or not, and at least by not checking you may find it easier to get into some form of distraction.
You are very probably making your mouth sore by pulling at it all the time, and this is making you feel worse.
Your appointment will be here soon enough, so try to keep calm til then (so easy to say, I know!) x
Not looking increases the anxiety for a while, but then looking does too. I guess breaking the cycle of looking is what is healthiest for me in the long run?
Do you suggest I just don't look at it? Just feel the anxiety and not give into the checking?
That's my vote. Think of it this way--you have done some checking, and you're still anxious. If you're going to be anxious anyway, might as well use the time for something better!
I think you are doing absolutely amazing during an extremely difficult time.
Ok Hypo,
You husband took your phone away... does he have to cover up all the mirrors and wire your mouth shut? ;) I'm bustin' on you but you're doing just fine. You know my thoughts as we've discussed this so I'll leave it at... Merry Christmas! I hope Santa brings what you asked for!
Positive thoughts
Is the tingling feeling that has came up likely in my head then?
AuntieMoosie
23-12-13, 23:33
I'm so sorry for your loss Hypo, I didn't know that he had passed away.
Don't be too hard on yourself for how you're feeling re your anxiety hun. You need time to grieve and then time to heal, so what you need is to be really kind and understanding to yourself.
You have a lot on your plate now, not only trying to grieve yourself but also having to take care of your children and their needs too.
It sounds like you're doing really well hun, I think I would have crumbled into a million pieces.
Keep doing what you're doing, let the children take the lead a bit, children are so much better at dealing with death than adults, if they want to bake, join in with them hun, it's kind of like you're all bonding together really closely and that is a positive thing because it means that you are all trying to pick the pieces up and try to get some normality back, which is the hardest thing to do when we loose a loved one.
Just take it all slowly, share your feelings with your children, they will want that, as they will then be able to share theirs with you which is so healthy.
You will all do what you feel like doing over Christmas hun, just take it as it comes.
I think you're doing really well.
Sending you lots of comforting hugs :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
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