hell is on earth

[Debbie!4]

Hi everyone.. It's kinda depressing talking about depression but thought I'd see if it helped in a cathartic way writing it and/or hearing from others in a similar state..

I've suffered from depression, low mood, anxiety, panic attacks pretty much my whole adult life. Mostly I've managed myself, with a get on with it attitude, I am an exercise freak which keeps me sane(ish) & eating healthily. Not sure what's happened recently but took myself to the doctor 3 weeks ago as felt that nothing was in my control, angry about everything, crying a lot, drinking a lot, feeling anxious etc... I was signed off work & given mirtazapine 15mg. The first week was great due to getting some much needed sleep (I suffer consistently with extreme insomnia). The last 72hrs have been hell. I can't stop crying, I can't relax, I've got an intense feeling of fear & panic, I alternate between a night of sleep to being wide awake as if I've taken speed, I was doing housework at 4am this morning.. I don't trust any of my closest friends & don't even feel safe & settled in my own home. For the first time in years I felt like I wanted to end my life last night!

I'm only 3 weeks in so is this normal? I hate feeling so desperate & alone & insane :-(

[teej]

Hi Debbie and :welcome:

There's plenty of advice available here and a dedicated section in the forum on mirtzapine. I myself take citalopram for my anxiety but it's not been an easy road to recovery and at times I have felt like you have, and still do.

Do you have anything else lined up like CBT, counselling, meditating? I know in the extremes of a situation they seem far fetched but they do help.

T

[Debbie!4]

Hi & thank you for your reply.

I started a course of CBT a few months before starting mirtazapine. I managed 3 sessions & after disclosing a personal past trauma, of which only one other person knows about, I freaked out & cancelled my next appointment. I've never been back. I did feel my therapist was rushing me to deal with my ocd when I wasn't quite ready.

I've had counselling twice previously, my issues mostly remain unresolved & I continue along a a path of self hatred and self sabotaging behaviours.

I am reluctant to return to CBT. I am starting to distance myself from those I love which I know is bad but can't seem to stop it.

[Tanner40]

Hi Debbie, I think that you will find a great deal of help on this forum. I've dealt with anxiety and the resulting depression for much of my adult life. I have found that medication eventually gives me the calmness that I need to begin tackling my unresolved issues. It is certainly a lot of hard work, but so worth it when it takes.

Most medications generally take two to three months to get into your system and begin to work. The adjustment period can make you feel worse rather than better for the short term.

CBT can be frightening at first as we begin tom open up and uncover things that we would rather not talk about or think about. Feeling frightened and depressed can be a fairly normal experience as we re-open wounds that have been semi closed. CBT can be a powerful tool as can simple guided meditation. I would urge you to try one or both. Good luck.

[Shake]

Hi Debbie sorry your struggling so much at the moment but welcome to the forums and hope you feel much better soon x