As I write this my mother is in a police cell. Need advice.

[IveHadEnoughOfThis]

Hello. I am a 22 year old man-child living at home with my mother and little sister who is 12.
After finally kicking my dad out after 20 years of emotional trauma and some physical violence, my mother is now losing her mind to drink and fear. It's like she's got PTSD.
She is becoming more and more erratic and has been arrested by the police 3 times in the last 3 months for harassing her friends.
All she can do is blame her worries on her friends who she argues with more and more intensely each month.
She only drinks about once a week when the stress is too much to bear, but even when she's sober she worries herself into a frenzy, then gets drunk to relieve the pain, and calls all her friends to argue. If I take her phone off her while in this state she becomes a demon and will physically fight me to get what she wants.

I love her, but I'm becoming very aggressive and emotional myself, and I've given up consoling her - I'm starting to hate her presence.
I'd leave home, but I must look after my sister at all costs. I'm on the verge of getting my mother sectioned.
She goes to AA and has therapy ever week which I started attending with her, it doesn't help.
She does NOT have the willpower for self-help, and she does not believe in medication.

She was arrested a few hours ago for more drunken madness. It will never end unless I take drastic action.
I don't know what to do.

[Carl8825]

Hey, sorry to hear about your troubles. This will probably sound cliche and old fashioned but go with your gut feeling, it's never let me down. Is there no way your mother could be persuaded I to trying medication?

[HoneyLove]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with your mum, that sounds incredibly stressful for all involved.

Make sure that you're taking care of yourself in all of this, so that your own fears and frustrations don't build up too much from stress.

Are there any family members whom you can ask for help? Does she have brothers or sisters nearby? Is there anyone that you and your young sister could stay with to get yourselves out of such a difficult environment?

It would be worth going in to have a chat with your mother's own GP, explain to them what's happening and ask them what your options are. They might have advice to offer, or resources to tell you about that could help.

[hanshan]

I really feel for you in this - you're only 22 and have to be the adult in a difficult situation, with a 12 year old sister to take care of.

I don't know if your mother will eventually get better, but at the moment you need some help.

As has been mentioned, there may be family members you can call on, or a GP. In addition to this are organisations like Al-Anon for relatives of people with alcohol problems. I don't know about where you are, but there are also help groups for family members of people with mental illness, and just general help phone lines.

There is help there, so you don't need to face this on your own. Nevertheless, you are young to have to deal with this, and my thoughts are with you.

[Annie0904]

Like others have said I would speak to your family GP for advise. If you feel that she may be a danger to herself or others then sectioning would be an option. You are so young yourself and this is a lot for you to deal with. Do you have any other family members who can support you (Aunt's, Uncles?).

[NE21 worrier]

Hello,

You've been given some good advice already in this thread so do read it carefully. Just one thing I would like to add, though, is for you not to beat yourself up about living at home at 22 (e.g. referring to yourself as a "man child"), especially as it sounds like you have hardly been dealt the best set of cards in life.

Believe me, there is no shame, none whatsoever, with living at home at your age, especially if you are having to take on 'adult' responsibilities such as looking after your little sister.

I only mention this because I have had hang ups about moving back to the parental home, mainly because I was struggling financially and mentally with the responsibility of making my own way in life. And I'm 30, not 22, which is really much younger than I think a lot of people in their 20s think. Again, this is not criticism as I was exactly the same.

Indeed, it is understandable at 22 that, with so much left to achieve in life, you want it yesterday - but, for now, you are doing the right thing being there for your sister.

Good luck, and I hope things with your mum start to sort themselves out soon
Peter:)

[Edie]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Your mother is clearly in a bad place herself, but the effect it is having on you and your sister must be immense.

Sectioning can only happen if the person is a danger to themselves or others. I'm not sure it's something you can arrange as such. But depending how bad things are then it might be something worth discussing.

In your situation I think I would attempt to move out, somewhere close by, and have your sister visit as much as possible, including overnight stays. It's not ideal, but you won't be able to take care of your sister if you are so stressed with caring for your mother.

It might be an idea to try and have a talk with your mother at a time when she is calm. As you already have contact with her therapist, perhaps see if the therapist is willing to do this in one of your mother's appointments.

If you are not living in the house and your mother is arrested (or sectioned), Social Services would have to become involved in arranging care for your sister. They will always prefer someone in the family to take her in, so just ensure she has your address and phone number. You could also approach Social Services yourself, or maybe talk through your options with the NSPCC. There is information about the NSPCC helpline here: http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/the-nspcc-helpline/how-to-contact-us/how-to-contact-us_wda89787.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=UK_GO_S_E_BND_Paid_Pure_KW&utm_term=sitelink_worried_about_a_child

[harasgenster]

Hi
Sorry to hear about this, that must be incredibly stressful and frightening for you.

It's difficult to give advice on your mother, as it's difficult to know exactly what is happening inside her second hand, but if she constantly blames others when bad things happen (you say she blames her friends?) then she needs a certain type of therapy - many therapies are aimed at helping people to stop blaming themselves. Some people are unhappy for the exact opposite reason, which is that the world is against them/it's everybody else's fault etc. That second group of people are thought to have what is called an 'entitlement schema', in which they are unable to take responsibility for their own actions. A different approach is needed in that case. But it's difficult to tell whether your mother is acting out because she actually believes it's everybody else's fault, or whether she's just saying that because she is blaming herself and is acting defensively (if you see what I mean).

But at the end of the day, she is the only person that can change her life. You can be there for support so long as doing so doesn't have too great an impact on your life, but you're not her carer and you can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped.

I think you should focus on yourself and your sister, because you two are the ones who can be helped immediately. Is it possible for you to move out and your sister live with you for a while? Do you have other relatives around? Grandparents perhaps? Who could help with your sister? If you're very worried about how this will impact your sister then you do need to get her to a safe place if possible, but you also need to get yourself to a safe place, because this is affecting you too.

I'm very sorry to hear of your mother's troubles. It sounds like she is in a lot of pain. But she is the only person that can make a difference to her life and the only person that can move on from this. All you can do is offer a shoulder to cry on. That's all any of us can do.

Medication is not 100% necessary, some people choose not to take it. Therapy is the real 'cure' if you like. But if her current therapy is not working, speak to her therapist (you said you were accompanying her?) and tell them your concerns. It is the duty of a therapist to change tack, or refer a patient elsewhere, if they are not able to help. It's in their contract.

Good luck and I hope everything goes ok for you and your family.