Can someone hear me out please? Am I a really bad person?

[Rls1994]

I didn't know where to put this thread, but I decided to put it in here since it's about my communication and attitude towards other people.

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not human since I seem to have no other emotions besides anger and sadness. The only time I am 'happy' is when I am with my mum. I'm extremely clingy to her and love her to pieces. I'd do anything to keep her safe and I don't tolerate anyone saying bad things to her. I couldn't care less if insults are thrown at me since I don't care about myself. Anyway, sometimes I get angry at my mum for no reason whatsoever, then I feel really bad afterwards. I don't know why I snap at her, it just comes out if you know what I mean? I always apologise afterwards, though. I think I'm just immature since I usually get angry at the trivial little things.

When I'm out in town or whatever, I can't stand people being in the way, walking slow, walking straight in front of me, etc. I feel sorry for my mum since she has to listen to me moan about them. I don't like people in general but wish I did. Whenever someone starts a conversation with me, all I think is, 'can you please leave me alone?' even though they're being friendly and kind. I can honestly go for weeks without talking to anyone besides my family. It bothers me because other people are socializing all the time. The only people I talk to now are online. Even then I don't want to talk with them sometimes. I don't know why... I'm honestly the biggest hypocrite out there since I expect the public to care about me and look where they're going but I don't care about them whatsoever.

I get bored easily with people, even if we do have interests in common. I can be really happy when I make a new friend online, but then after a few weeks or so, I'm not bothered with them anymore. It's the same in person. :weep: I really am a hypocrite, though.. There's someone online I have known for a few years and I am still interested in him and have a secret crush on him (don't worry, I know what he looks like and stuff. He's genuine), but I don't think he's all that bothered in me and that makes me kind of frustrated and upset. I've told him that I have feelings for him and he makes me happy but I never got a reply back. Oh well, I'm just glad that I have a good friend like him to speak with every now and then.

There's this guy that currently has long conversations with me on Facebook that's really interested in me, but... I am not interested in him whatsoever.. He's REALLY nice, understandable and kind, but I'm not attracted to him.. I feel shallow because he doesn't look attractive in my eyes. I've tried and tried and tried to get to like him but I can't.. Again, me being a hypocrite since I'm below average looking myself.... In fact, I think I'm REALLY ugly.

When people tell me that they're down and suicidal, I just have no emotion. I say that I would like to give them hugs and hope they get the help they deserve but I am not saddened that they're down or anything. Yet I expect people to genuinely care and be sad for me whenever I feel really down.. I actually get kind of angry if they don't pay any attention to me when I'm crying or whatever. See what I mean? Am I just an immature little brat or what? The only time I feel sad is when my mum is upset or fed up. I give her hugs, watch a funny film with her and try cheering her up the best I can. I keep doing things to make her happy until she's no longer down. She's the only person that cheers me up when I'm fed up and I don't know why she does because I'm a waste of space. She's the only person that understands me and takes it easy on me because of it. I get money monthly and 95% of the time it goes on her. I don't want anything for myself, I just want to buy my mum everything even though she tells me not to.

I think I'm going to stop writing now... I don't want any of you guys reading any more of my bullcrap. :)

I just wanna know what's wrong with me and why I'm like this? Am I just a sad excuse of a human being? I think secondary school has something to do with it because I had a really awful time there and kept the anger bottled up inside me until I left school.

Please be honest guys, I won't get mad. I love getting honest answers. Thanks all. :hugs:

Anyone?....

[Shake]

Hi ris I don't think it makes you a bad person, and its good you have a close relationship with your mum, nobody is happy all the time and I'm guilty of snapping at people close to me too.

[Silverlight]

I couldn't tell you why you are like this. Maybe it is the way you said: if you had an awful time before thanks to certain people, it's hard to restore your trust in people in general. Maybe you assume people are not worth talking to beforehand because you've experienced that in the past. Maybe it's easier for you not to care about others, because that way they can also not hurt you.
I don't know whether that is the case or not, I'm not experienced in this field, I'm merely speculating.
I don't think it makes you a bad person at all. You're not obligated to like others, you can determine on your own who you like or not. It certainly makes things a little complicated though, and if you're really fed up with being this way, maybe you can somehow try to change it. The fact that you do care for your mother already proves that you are capable of it, it just isn't showing up yet.

[Ikaeoph]

If you were a bad person you wouldn't of taken the time to post on here. You feel guilty that is why you did, and you do have emotions, anxiety dampens the good ones though, it's normal.

[Catherine S]

Reading your post without looking at your profile you sounded young, then when you mentioned secondary school it was confirmed. You sound like any other angsty teenager...moody, and unsettled inside yourself....and your avitar piccy just about sums it up lol! I don't mean to sound patronising but as a mum of 4, I watched all of them grow through early, mid and late teens into their 20s and saw all the changes each phase of the teen years brought. You 're not bad, just sad and angry with the world...i'd say you are a normal teenager, but that doesn't mean you don't need some help to cope with your feelings if you feel some of them are out of control. Take care.

[AnxietySufferer]

I think anyone with anxiety and deression knows that there mum is the biggest rock. I dont know what I would do without my mum (which obviously sets off my anxiety thinking of coping without her), i understand how you feel. I know that its not much help but somtimes its good to hear? your young, 19 im guessing from your name (if thats your date of birth), im a similar age to you so if you ever want to chat let me know :) I can understand about the lack of emotion towards others, when your feeling down anxious or depressed all that seems important in your mind is getting yourself well again, and then the worry tends to move to close family (our mums in our cases) which is why you probably feel the desire to keep your mum happy, im the same, although my mum has so much more life experience I seem to think that she is struggling when really all she wants is for me to be happy and enjoy my youth like she did herself at my age! (easier said than done when i feel the way i do each day, but i also know that it wil get better and I WILL be able to cope) The interaction thing is also pretty common for your age aswell :D

[Rosie2]

Hi, when I was depressed I felt exactly the same as you, I had no interest in talking to or interacting with anyone really, if someone like my hairdresser tried to make conversation with me I felt it was so shallow and pointless. Now I'm not so depressed anymore I can tolerate people a bit more, although I'm still not good with crowds and busy places. I think it has something to do with my personality type too though. Try not to beat yourself up about it, nothing wrong with being a bit antisocial!