I feel so helpless [Archive]

kate

15-07-04, 17:40

I have a son of 15 and a daughter of 12. I have had very few problems with my son, he is generally laid back, doesnt answer back too often, and is mostly pleasent and respectful.

My daughter, on the otherhand, has been a bit of a handful for several years now. But her behaviour is now deteriorating to an unacceptable level.

And it is all down to me.

I had PND after she was born and hubby looked after her mostly til I got medical help when she was 3 months old. By the time she was 6 months old, I had finally bonded with her and loved her as much as my son.

Trouble is, even 12 years on, I still feel guilty about not loving her enough when she was born.

I know I have spoiled her, find it hard to say no to her, and it's all down to the guilt.

She has no respect for me, she rules the house I suppose. She laughs at my clothes, belittles me and much more.

I end up shouting constantly, everyone in the house is then involved and gets upset.

We have just had another row where she told me to shut up so I have told her she is not having something which she really wanted.

But, I know I will waiver cos she is crying and I cant upset her.

How can I regain control? I know this all sounds pathetic. I should know how to deal with her, but I just don't.

I also have a go at hubby cos I think he nags her all the time. So we all end up rowing.

I hate knowing that she has the upper hand all the time and that the reason why she has no respect for me is all my fault.

I sound like a stuck record, shouting at her, telling her she has no respect etc etc etc.

I just love her so very, very much and we are just constantly upset and angry at each other.

Anyone got any practical advise that I could actually manage to carry through?

Kate

sal

15-07-04, 18:08

Hi Kate

It is only natural that you will feel guilty for not bonding with your daughter when she was first born, but that wasnt down to a conscious choice by yourself, you were poorly and eventually you got the help and the bond came.

So dont beat yourself up over that. It is obvious now how much you love your daughter. I know how hard it is myself with Sam, she has the upper hand and knows how to push me.

A simple example with Sam is her bedtime, it is normally 9 but she always manages to get an extra half hour or so out of me. She knows she can so pushes me. I have just told her she is going to bed at 9 and since then she has hinted continuously about a programme that starts at 9.

I asked her why she was doing that and she just said she was letting me know what was on TV. But we both know different, she is doing it until i say oh just watch it.

So like you i am going to try to stick to the word No. Even if you just manage to do it once, surely she will regain some respect. If i give in to Sam tonight yet again she has taken the upper hand and got what she wants and the more we do it the worse it gets.

You said you will end up giving in to her and buying her something she wants. Why dont you try not to give in to her on this one however upset she gets and see what you get of her in return. At the end of the day if you are been cruel to be kind to her, she is going to benefit so much as she will learn that she has to respect adults and cant always get her own way.

I understand how hard it is and can imagine it cause arguments for the whole family. Even now i have a go at my x for been too hard on Sam, when really he isnt at all.

Its a scenario of playing one of against the other and they know how well to do it.

Sometimes we have to be hard, because at the end of the day we want them to grow up in to nice adults. I am terrible for spoiling Sam and how she is with me now i only have myself to blame.

But to make it easier for us both, i will have to be harder on her, otherwise she will become a spoilt bratt.

It is hard and no one has the right answers and people always tell me to be harder on Sam and i think how can they say that, but they are right. But the protective element climbs in doesnt it and you dont like hearing it from others about your child.

So havent really given you any answers but just wanted you to know how much i understand because i am just like you. It is hard and i carry the guilt of not been with Sams dad and she plays on it.

But for us both we maybe need to stand by what we say and see how that helps us.

No miracle answers but you have my full support.

Good luck and hope things improve.

Love Sal xxxxxx

kate

15-07-04, 19:45

Hiya Sal,

Thanks for the reply.

I am sticking to my decision on this one, the answer is still no.

She also came to me a little while ago to ask if 2 of her mates can come over after school tomorrow.

They are very hyper, bouncy, in your face girls, so I have also said no to that as well.

I said that they are always at our house and that it was about time she went to their houses instead.

I break up from work tomorrow and would appreciate a quiet, unwinding evening.

Anyway, she said I was mean, but I stuck to my guns and they aint coming!!

So, you and me are going to regain control here!! We will say no and stick to it. And try not to feel that we are the worst parents ever!!

Look forward to hearing of your first successful "NO" soon!!

Kate x

sal

15-07-04, 22:53

Hi Kate

I stuck to it and she went to bed in a right mood. She was up and down for an hour but i totally ignored her.

Now on checking her she is sound asleep. So maybe she now knows that when i say no i mean it.

Probably not but its a step in the right direction.

Dont get me wrong all night when she was up and down to go to the toilet i wanted to call her down to sit with me but i didnt.

You are right, you break up tomorrow and it is your holiday as much as hers, so chill out, you need it.

I have told Sam until she behaves she cant have friends over. Only way they will learn isnt it? We hope.

You have done well say no to her and sticking to it, its a step in the right direction.

We will help each other on this one and hopefully have daughters who appreciate some discipline.

You need your time out now, especially after H, so you make sure you look after yourself.

Take care and always here for you if you want to talk.

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

kate

16-07-04, 15:25

Hiya Sal,

How's the saying no going today?

You did real well last night, good for you!!

I stuck it out too and didn't waiver on either of my decisions though I still felt guilty pangs!!

Yes, I really do need this break. I will make sure I have plenty of time for me and that if I don't want a house full of teenagers, then I wont have it.

Anyway, just got in from work and I'm going to chill tonight and have a takeaway for tea!!

Speak soon

love Kate x

sal

16-07-04, 20:43

Hi Kate

Well done for sticking to the NO word!!! You are right if you dont want a house full of teenagers then there is no reason why you should.

I feel the same with Sam her friends are always staying her but never gets the invites returned. Must be as we are too soft on them.

Sam asked me tonight if a friend could say and i said she still can have no friends staying until she respects the rules and gets to grips with her bedtime.

I do let her stay up later in the holidays and weekends, but tonight have told her she will be in bed by 9.30/10. So the lip is out. But i am at work in the morning and she needs to be up at 7.

We are at a BBQ tomorrow at about 5 at the neighbours house, so we all decided to try and get the children to have a sleep before hand then they can last the night, so Sams answer was well if im tired tomorrow i can have a sleep. Answer to everything, but she is still going to be in bed by 10!!!!!

Hope you are ok and although you will feel guilty, surely in the end it will have been worth it.

Love Sal xxxxx

kate

16-07-04, 20:50

Hi Sal,

We are ddoing good at the moment aren't we!!:D

Daughter has gone out with her mates. Well, when I say OUT I mean 6 girlies hanging around on my doorstep, giggling and screeching!!

Still, at least she can be falling out with them instead of me for a while ;)

Anyway, I reckon the next 6 weeks will be hard going. Think I will be leaving the kids home alone quite frequently and heading off for some quality me time at the gym!

Have got my facial and Indian head massage on Tuesday. Think I will be in need of it!

Speak soon

Love Kate x

Meg

16-07-04, 23:27

Kate,

Good for you on deciding to put yourself first sometimes . Wow - thats great .

Meg

kate

17-07-04, 09:53

Hi Meg,

Thanks for the encouragement.

Haven't been feeling good for the last few weeks, have broken up for the 6 week holiday and still feeling very tearful and everything just seems so black at the moment.

Things in general are good. No particular worries at all so it seems even stranger to me that I'm feeling so bad.

I got talking to my neighbour last week. We chat in general every time we see each other but, this particular day, I told her about my porblems and she told me that she had also suffered.

She had actually been hospitalised for 3 months and had been referred to a hypnotherapist who she could not praise enough for turning her life around.

Anyway, she gave me his details and I e mailed him.

He is on holiday til today so I will phone him on Monday to arrange an appointment.

Even if he cannot totally turn things around, I'm hoping he may at least give me some respite from this continual round of anxious thinking which is totally ruling my life.

Will let you know how it goes!

Kate x

Meg

17-07-04, 10:02

Hey Kate,

As you know I read every post on here so I've been reading how you've been down really since the house situation. I wondered how hard you had been on yourself because of that .

That is why I was particularly pleased to read you'd taken your daughter in hand and are making time for yourself.
2 great steps forward.

Did your friend at work that went off sick because of H come back ok ?

I think the hypnotherapy idea is great . It helped Sarah and others so much. How good to find someone close by who has someone to personally recommend . Good luck

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

kate

17-07-04, 10:55

Hi Meg,

Yes, I did start to go downhill after the house situation really.

I can quite honestly say that I have never once regretted not moving but, for the first 6 weeks or so, I just felt so guilty that I had let down our buyers. I was also terrified they would turn up on the doorstep, tear a strip off me and make me feel even worse.

I had also convinced myself that the girl would lose the baby through all of the stress caused by MY decision.

None of this happened, and I am now past this and feeling totally happy about staying here.

My friend was going to leave her job after the H affair, but in the end decided that she wasn't going to be pushed out of a job she likes so much.

We actually work opposite each other so keep each other going really.

The H situation still hasn't been resolved with everyone talking to her only because it then doesn't rock the boat.

Like walking on egg shells constantly, and the boss still doesn't seem to see who is causing all the tension there.

I find it so totally hard to explain to anyone the extent of how badly I suffer with the anxiety every single day. I hint at the problems but can never put into words exactly how it affects me.

I know that I need support from the mental health team but because my councelling sessions had run their course, I was discharged.

I wont go back to them for more help as I'm ashamed of the fact that I can't cope alone.

It is getting harder now that the kids are getting older and I have to let them get on with their own lives.

They now like to go to the cinema, meet friends etc and this causes me continual anxiety worrying about all the bad things that could happen to them.

They get very fed up with me treating them like 5 year olds, and I can't say I blame them.

Anyway, have rambled on without really saying much, for long enough!

Kate x

Rennie1989

17-07-04, 12:47

hiya kate

i have an idea

wen i was like dat wen my bro was born (i was 6) my mum sat me down, had a word wid me and she said ''lets go on a holiday''. wat i was thinkin that u and ur daughter should go girly shoppin,youll soon bond and she should respect u

Scooter Girl

if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears

sal

17-07-04, 19:27

Hi Kate

How are we getting on with the word No. Mine has fallen on deaf ears at the moment LOL

Yes was in bed when we talked last night but got up again and i let her, so only me to blame on that one.

You do right to take time out and get yourself to they gym. We all need some space on our own.

Oops just heard my text message bleep, just been telling meg about my mate who is in one with me, i guess its another text calling me. Darent even read it.

Anyhow you make sure you take time out and enjoy your time away from work and H. Sorry to hear you are still feeling really tearful, hopefully time off work will help you.

I am pleased you dont feel guilty about the house no more, at the end of the day if you are happy you have made the right decision and its your happiness that counts.

Take care

Love Sal xxxxxx

mico

17-07-04, 20:10

Hi Kate,

Kids are supposed to be a handfull! I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

Have you tried talking to her about the way you feel? I know kids get to a certain age and become 'rebellions' and do nothing you say, but it's much more likely they will listen if your honest. As soon as you shout, her defences will be up and she will disagree with everything you say. On the other hand, if your honest then it is much more likely she will begin to feel guilty (aha, payback time![8D]) and in turn she will be more honest with you. Trouble is, it's easier to shout at people than let your own defences down and be honest, but it's worth some thought if you feel you can do it.

kate

17-07-04, 21:03

Hi Sal,

It's going well actually [^]

Only me and my daughter at home today, hubby at work, son went out.

So, we went up to Asda, did a bit of unnecessary shopping, candles and nice little bits like that, came home and chilled really.

Daughter out with her friends now and I'm just going to watch BB.

Speak later and carry on with saying no!!

Love Kate x

kate

17-07-04, 21:07

Hi Mico,

Nice to hear from you.

I have tried telling her how I feel on numerous occasions. Mostly she just looks like she wants to burst out laughing at me.

I have tried shouting, reasoning, trying to make her feel guilty, but none of it seems to work.

When she was away in France recently with the school, she missed me then and was all sweetness for about a day after she came back.

I am sticking with saying no to things I don't want her to do, and so far I am sticking to my guns.

The next 6 weeks will be a challenge but hopefully at the end of it, I will be on top!

Kate x

mico

17-07-04, 21:39

hi Kate

Not sure if my post sounded a bit funny (always the best communicator, I can't even think of the word that it may have sounded like). I suppose giving advice on rearing kids is a tough subject. I don't disagree with you saying 'no', you need to do what you need to do, and I'm sure that you know as good as anyone what that is.

You'll cope just fine through the summer Kate, just leave a little time for yourself.

mico

kate

17-07-04, 23:47

Hi Mico,

No, your post definately didn't sound funny, you always give me good advise even if I'm too hopeless to carry it through!

Hope you are keeping well, lovely to hear from you!

Kate x

sal

18-07-04, 11:53

Hi Kate

Pleased you had a good day with your daughter.

Sam went to see her dad last night and i had just got settled down with a glass of wine when the call came that she wanted to come home. So i ended up have Sam and her friend staying!!!!!

They were wide awake and hi as kites, so i let them camp out in the living room last night and we all fell asleep down there together.

I told her this morning to tidy up and in the end had to shout at her, typical. I find with Sam if she knows she is going to get something out of it to her benefit she will be good as gold all day, then once she has got what she wanted she reverts back to her strong willed nature.

She is wanting another friend to stay tonight, which i was fine about as i said she could have only one friend staying this weekend. But now she reckons last night didnt count as it isnt her fault she was unhappy at her dads.

Which way do i go on that one. Cant win can i.

Hope you are having a good day.

Speak soon.

Love Sal xxxxx

kate

18-07-04, 12:48

Hi Sal,

Well, really I think she has had her one friend over for the weekend and she shouldn't really get to have another one tonight.

Wow, that will cause a strop I bet! It would in our house I know!

Anyway, it is of course entirely your decision, you have to live with it after all!!

Just been to the gym, played tennis and badminton.

I woke in a better mood today and going out this morning has kept the mood going.

Just cooking some baguettes for lunch, just to carry on piling on the pounds!!

Speak to you soon and good luck with whatever decision you go with tonight.

Love Kate x

sal

18-07-04, 19:18

Hi Kate

Pleased to hear you woke up feeling a bit better and had a good time at the gym.

No her friend is not staying tonight!!!!:(

She might not be happy but i need some space aswell.

Speak soon.

Love Sal xxxx

sal

19-07-04, 18:34

Hi Kate

How has your day been. I took today of work, which i am sure would have been an easier choice!!!!

Cant believe how easily the children get bored. Sam cant amuse herself to save her life and even if has another 5 children to play with they still get bored.

By 12 today i was demented so i took 3 of them swimming. I have just fed 4 of them and now they have all gone out to play. How long before they get bored i wonder.

I have asked my boss if through the holidays i can start at 8 rather than 6.45 because otherwise it makes it a long day for the childminder and Sam. They were ok about it. Plus working in the department i am in now there is a lot of flexibility. If i was still on the wing there would be no give or take at all. Just hope i can stay in this post until Sam starts seniors then it wont be so hard.

So how is the word No going!!!! Mine worked really well last night when i said she couldnt have her friend to stay, she went of and stayed at her friends house!!!!!

Well i hope everything is ok with you. We will have to arrange where you want picking up from to go to Nics.

Talk soon.

Love Sal xxxxx

pips

20-07-04, 12:58

Hi Kate

Sorry I haven't replyed sooner. Just read the message.

Please don't blame yourself honey it wasn't your fault you suffered with PND!

Unfortunately I haven't really got any advice as not having children myself! One of the reasons I haven't is because I am afraid of panicking more and i do suffer wih depression at times so I am scared I would be a candidate for PND!

I just want to say though you sound like you are doing a wonderful job! Your daughter could have just reached the stage where nothing is right or good enough anyway no matter how much you do for her! Hopefully she will grow out of this. I can remember when I was young I said a few mean things and wish I haden't! I realise this now but when you are a child you say it anyway. I appoligised at the time. Now I can understand and have a fantastic relationship with my Mum! I appreciate how lucky I am to have her! So maybe once your daughter has grown up a bit she will realise this and appreciate how lucky she is to have you to!

I hope you are ok mate

Let us know how you are getting on.

Take care

Love PIP'S XX

kate

20-07-04, 13:05

Hiya Sal,

Had a quiet day yesterday really. Daughter went to cinema with her friends and son went out with some girlie!

Me and hubby went and ordered some fencing [Wow!], I sure know how to have a good time!

I'm still feeling down. It's the constant anxiety that is wearing me down really.

I know you are supposed to challenge the neg and make it into a pos, but I just can't get my mind to truly believe that the worst wont happen.

Daughter is still being as mouthy as ever. Should ground her, but it gives my ears a rest if she is out with her mates [:I]

Hope you are having a good day, speak soon

Kate x

kate

20-07-04, 13:08

Hi Pips,

Yes, maybe she will grow out of it, here's hoping eh??

I am going for a pampering thingy in a bit, and I'm dead anxious about it! It's supposed to help with stress NOT make you more stressed!!

I've also made an appointment for next Tuesday with a hypnotherapist that was recomended to me by my neighbour. Will let you know how it goes.

Well, gotta go, appointment is at 2!

Hope you are keeping well and will speak soon

Kate x

Meg

20-07-04, 15:24

I know you are supposed to challenge the neg and make it into a pos, but I just can't get my mind to truly believe that the worst wont happen.

Kate I could not get that to work for me with my worst fears and wanted to hit anyone who said - oh you'll never hit a 10 mile traffic jam at the times you travel ..

In the end I settled for forcing myself to whizz through in my mind, all the possibilities and assigning a score to each outcome and then risk managing the worst ones to bring down their score a bit and then forced myself to settle on and only focus on the one that was most realistic and rational .

It sounds long winded but if you think at the same speed as me it was only moments.

It took time but worked for me.

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

kate

20-07-04, 17:33

Hi Meg,

Good idea, will give it a go.

I think I'm half way there already. My automatic anxious thoughts popped into my mind today when son said he was going up the park with his mates to play tennis.

It was almost as if I HAD to think the worst would happen or else it most certainly would, kind of like if I get complacent and DONT worry then I'm definately tempting fate.

Does that make any sense? I know what I'm trying to say, just hard to put into words really!

Anyway, just back from my Indian Head Massage, Japanese Facial and massage.

Wow, I can quite honestly say it is the best thing I have ever had for relaxation since the anxiety took hold.

The room was dimly lit, soothing music playing and I was deeply relaxed the whole time.

I have tried relaxation tapes in the past, but too many distractions at home to be able to listen to them 100%.

I'm not sure if I nodded off or was just totally relaxd but I'm just so glad I went and would recommend it to anyone.

Contemplating trying Reiki next! :D

Kate x

Meg

20-07-04, 17:48

It was almost as if I HAD to think the worst would happen or else it most certainly would, kind of like if I get complacent and DONT worry then I'm definately tempting fate.

Yes , a bit like an out of perspective Guides - Be Prepared .

Glad you've been thoroughly relaxed today with massages. When anxious we do hold it within our bodies somewhere and this is the best way to release it all.

Meg

sal

20-07-04, 21:38

Hi Kate

Pleased you had a good day chilling out.

How is the word NO going!!???

Tonight i couldnt believe Sam she had a friend in watching TV, i gave her some tea, but the friend didnt want any but asked if she could have a yogurt. No problem at all.

Well so i thought until Sam burst into tears saying it was her favourite yogurt and the last one. Obviously the shops have sold out NOT.

She went on like a right spoilt B****. So when her friend finished the yogurt i asked her to go home and told Sam to get her PJs on. I had obviously asked the world by the face i got.

But ive stuck to it and didnt let her go back out like she kept hinting. Now she is sat watching TV and has apologised for been nasty!!!!!!!

Love Sal xxxx

kate

20-07-04, 21:52

Hi Sal,

Nice one! You did good mate!

Daughter has been out with mates all day. The social club seems to always revolve round my front door.

Between our house and next door is a shared entry way and tonight they were running up and down screaming.

I must have told them 10 times to stop cos the neighbour has 2 little ones who would have been in bed.

In the end, I got daughter in and made her go for her shower. She just cant seem to follow orders, and her mates are as bad!

Speak soon

Kate x

sal

21-07-04, 00:14

Hi Kate

Do you reckon girls are worse than boys?

These emotions are quite a thing to take on board. I sometimes look at Sam and she cries. Infact at times she would cry at her own shadow.

Well at least you got your daughter in and into the shower. Happy or not you dictated what she had to do. Its a start.

Just would like to know when it finishes???? LOL

Hope today is a good day for you. I have taken today of to spend time with Sam. Feel guilty working long hours but have done it to get as much time of over the school holidays as i can.

So hopefully we will have a good day!!!

Take care.

Love Sal xxxxx:D

kate

21-07-04, 08:11

Hi Sal,

Don't know whether girls are worse than boys, but in my experience they are LOL

I just read your other post and see that you are still feeling low.

Do you think you are taking on too much too soon?

You haven't long been back at work and you are doing such long hours.

I completely understand why you are, but you are not getting any time for yourself, and are completely burning yourself out pleasing everyone else.

Please don't take that as a critisism. I know because that's exactly what I do myself! [:I]

Putting everyone else first and yourself last does no one any favours in the long run.

When my kids were little, I would always drop what I was doing if they wanted me to play with them or do something with them.

With hindsight, I wonder if I did the right thing. I never thought of me at all.

It has only really been the last few weeks that I have realised how much I have let myself go.

I've put on a stone in weight over the last 2 years, I don't have any sort of skin routine or anything like that.

No wonder we feel ill and depressed. We are people too, as important as the next person, and I think that we always put others first as we don't feel worthy of importance.

Wow, I've waffled on a bit LOL

But, the point I'm trying to make, is take any help offered when it comes to looking after Sam, and don't feel guilty about it.

Don't do any extra hours at work that you think is ureasonable, just do what YOU can cope with.

Finally, when Sam is in bed, do nothing. Chill, have a nice relaxing bath, anything that is just for YOU.

Might at least make you feel just a little bit happier, even if it's only for 5 minutes.

Will speak again soon. Post again if you are still feeling down.

Kate x