Moral Crisis

[Rennie1989]

Hiya guys

So during this festive season and my birthday I have been uploading statuses and photos of parties, pressies and what not. I seem to have attracted the attention of my old bullies at school.

I have no idea why I added them on FB on the first instance, but they're there. Anyway a lot of them have been commenting on my wedding and party pictures and statuses with very positive remarks, saying how beautiful and happy I looked. There was a photo of me in my work party dress and was told that I should consider modelling.

I know it's a little sad to take FB too seriously but my husband and I are moving back to my only stomping grounds in January. I will be bumping into these people. If the occasion ever arrised, whether they want to talk to me more or what, I don't know what to do.

The reason why I'm a little iffy if because when I was at school I was so badly bullied (with naff all help from teachers and parents) that I developed panic attacks, anxiety and depression which never got treated until I was 18/19. These people are responsible for why I am where I am now.

But they were children, just like I was. We have all done stupid things as children. And now we are adults (23-24) and have matured considerably. We are essentially different people now. I wouldn't want to judge someone as what they were like as a child, but I am still scared by it.

So I'm in two ways. Do I forgive and forget, like Nelson Mandella did. Or would I be a massive mug for forgiving, considering how unwell they made me.

I don't think this is necessary for the sake of social networking and socialising, I think more so for my own health....

[Tanner40]

Forget, forgive, and keep one eye open. At the first sign that you are uncomfortable with someone's behavior, think about it and ask questions if this is a person that you want to be around for your recovery's sake. People do change but unfortunately, not all people change.

[Edie]

If they are different people now, then maybe you can accept them as decent people now, but you don't have to form close friendships with them. They may genuinely have no idea how their behaviour affected you. It sounds like they treat you nicely now, but personally I just wouldn't want to become good friends with someone when you have that history.

If you want to, you can restrict who sees your Facebook posts. You can put people into groups and post so that specific groups do not see that post. If you want to post something more personal, you can use that just to keep those people at arms length if you want to.

I have recently moved back to the town where I grew up, and was bullied (kind of . . . it's a long story, but a lot of harm was done to my mental health). I do bump into those people occasionally. I work in a local shop and some of them have come into there as customers. Personally I am friendly and polite when I see them, but I don't want to rekindle our friendships. It's not that I hate them any more. It's water under the bridge now. But there's too much history to ever be friends again now.

The important thing is that you are comfortable with what you decide. If it doesn't feel right, try a different approach.

[harasgenster]

My bullies at school are nice to me now too. You're right, they were kids. Kids are idiots.

You don't have to be their friends, though, there are grey areas. You can be friendly and polite to them without asking them round for tea!!

If you have too much history with them, you're going to feel resentful, so find different friends rather than falling in with them. But when you bump into them on the street, say hi, be polite, be friendly, and if they start trying to get involved in your life (asking you to do things with them etc.) and you feel a bit iffy about it, go with your guts on that and make up some excuse about being busy.

They're neither your friends nor your enemies, basically. They're just people and you neither have to hang around with them or avoid them!

[thetube82]

let it go, like all worries..............

thetube82

[Rennie1989]

Thanks for the sound advice. I'd never actually be best buds with them, they're worlds apart from who I am and what my hobbies and interests are (they like clubbing, I like writing...) but I'd never ignore them in the street if they were to give me pleasantries.

I am very particular on what I put on FB, I upload and share things that are not personal (I suppose a wedding is personal) like my health complaints or general life problems, I see far too many people put stupid things on FB about custody over children, complaints about work and periods. My profile is very restricted anyway, nothing get's published on my wall without my permission and non-friends cannot access my profile.

Forgetting will never be an option, but forgiving is something I want to do. Yes, I'm burdened with depression, anxiety and what other traits mental health professionals like to label me with as a result of the bullying and the complete lack of care from those who were meant to protect me... but it's happened. My illness has given me the opportunity to reinvent myself, to change how I perceive the world and how I behave in certain situations. Although I was only a child when I developed all of this I am a far different person now, as a 24 year old, to who I was when I was 21. And they have a changed too.

thetube - not helpful.

[blue moon]

Hi rennie.
That was afew years ago now and time to close the door,to carry that with you does not help with recovery,I know I did that for years.I arrived in Aus from Iran with Pstd and Gad,I called names from terroist to boat jumper you name it I got it î got very sick from this.......but now I walk tall and do not let it matter,you go back to your stomping ground and hold your head high and be proud oof how far you have come.

Petra x

[thetube82]

hey Rennie1989,

sorry my reply was not helpful

thetube82