Don't see the need to go on [Archive]

kchan

23-12-13, 06:22

Im sorry to reappear and open about this but I feel completely exhausted. It's been a while since my anxiety and depression diagnosis and it's been downhill from there. As much as I've tried to deal with it people around me have been less supportive. I've also had major problems seeking long term employment which I believe is part caused by and feeds into the issues. Everything has kind of fallen apart lately and I feel like im not meant to go any further. I feel like I've gone as far as I'll ever go and don't see the point continuing. I don't really know why I've returned here to post this, it just felt like something I had to do. Thank you anyone who reads this.

kahi35

23-12-13, 07:28

hi sorry you are feeling so down. I know the feeling ive been feeling like this since 08 and my anxiety came back with it the last month. don't give up on yourself fight it and be mind strong its hard to do but it can be done. im working on it as we speak, I have HA. so if you need to talk more you can private message or i have facebook or chart room. feel better soon.

kchan

23-12-13, 18:41

Thanks for your reply. I've been thinking of returning to medication today. I'm no longer on any type of medication, i was able to handle things without them earlier this year but now it feels so crushing im not sure what to do. The meds didnt really agree with me when i was on them, things did improve but the negative aspects of them took a toll as well. If i was to return to them im scared it'll just be a repeat. I also feel like that would be admitting that im not strong enough to cope alone. And i feel either route is just a pointless endeavor anyway because the problem will always still be there. And with the time of year i feel like i cant have these feelings, i need to be happy otherwise im just becoming a burden on everyone else and ruining their time. I don't know what to do anymore :weep:

missacorah

23-12-13, 18:57

Sorry to hear youre having a tough time kchan. I used to be agoraphobic/full blown anxiety sufferer back around 2009 and then made what felt to me like a full recovery. I got a 24.5 hour per week job in a supermarket where I was confined to my checkout for 3 hours at a time which was possibly my worse case scenario back at the peak of my anxiety (making a fool of myself in a public place and not being able to 'get away') so I felt great.

Im having a blip at the moment due to some medical stuff going on but I hope to get back on my feet all over again. Don't feel like this is your lot just cos its happened to you - you can chip away at it and beat it x

kchan

23-12-13, 19:44

It's good to read some stories of success in overcoming these feelings. I'm sorry you're having a blip right now, i hope it blips off soon :)

missacorah

23-12-13, 20:06

Haha I hope it blips right off too!

Sparkle1984

23-12-13, 22:46

If you're getting morbid thoughts like this, I highly recommend getting an emergency appointment with your doctor to see what help is available, even if it means calling the out of hours service over the holidays. If you didn't like citalopram then you could ask the doctor to prescribe something different this time round.

In the meantime you can call the Samaritans if you urgently need someone to talk to.

Don't forget, many people suffer blips like this - it's all part of the recovery process. I also had to ask for help a second time round. You don't have to recover in just one course of treatment. Don't put yourself under pressure to recover in a certain amount of time - healing takes time.

And remember, anyone who goes through anxiety is strong! It is not true that only weak people suffer from anxiety/depression - indeed, it's often referred to as the "curse of the strong".

Take care and let us know how you get on. :hugs:

Tanner40

23-12-13, 22:59

KChan, I agree with what Sparkle had to say. With that said, you might go back and read my posts from when I first got here. What a mess I was, with anxiet, panic attacks and depression. It's taken a lot of hard work, but I'm getting there.

About twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD and developed full blown agoraphobia. There wasn't a day that I thought that I would live through for almost a year. With the right medication, therapy, and CBT, I didn't have many problems at all. There were years where I almost forgot that I had anxiety.

Yes, it came back several times, but never with the same intensity that it first had. I continued to develop a tool chest of techniques that could help me. I generally found that when my anxiety and depression reared it's ugly head, I had been taking my recovery for granted. I had felt so good that I wasn't practicing the tools that I had learned

Don't give up! There's a great deal of support on this board and you can and will get better. You just have to believe and want to work at getting there.

kchan

24-12-13, 01:08

Thank you so much for your replies, even a glint of hope is still hope. I want to return to my doctor but im more scared of telling the people around me im failing. With the time of year even getting a doctors appointment would be hard. Around this time I get very anxious about being in doctors offices too, it all just feels like this huge mountain. I had considered calling Samaritans but there's limited privacy here so I fear someone hearing. Im just trying to make it through each day for now, im not sure I can do much else.

Daisy Sue

24-12-13, 01:25

Hi kchan.. sorry, I haven't read any of your previous posts, so I don't know the background, but I just wanted to say that there definitely IS a forward pathway for you - and you're not failing, you're struggling - big difference, and struggling is something most of us here could write a book about.

You'll get there, honestly... one day you'll look back and be glad you didn't give up.

The Samaritans can be contacted by email as well as phone, by the way.. you don't need to 'talk' as such, if you're worried about being overhead... here's the email page link for them... and good luck.

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/different-ways-you-can-get-touch/what-happens-when-i-email?gclid=COvSi6LZx7sCFSbHtAodiVQAUQ

kchan

24-12-13, 02:16

Daisy Sue

24-12-13, 10:32

Thank you very much Daisy! I've sent an email to them, I don't feel better having typed it out, if anything I feel down for having thought about it all, but to know someone might read it who can offer support is at least a little comforting :)

:) You're welcome... well done on taking that step, it's never easy to face all the sadness by talking/writing from the heart, but it can be therapeutic to get it all out, and more importantly, doing it this way to the Samaritans could be instrumental in getting you back on track. I hope you do get support from them, and a reply soon.

kchan

24-12-13, 16:28

I got a reply and it honestly wasn't very helpful, they really just said that sounds tough then gave me a paragraph on how they don't offer advice :closedeyes: It's been a very rough night, my dreams were pretty much made up of all the stuff i don't want to think about and i've been uncontrollably trembling and tensed up since i woke.

Sparkle1984

24-12-13, 16:46

Sorry to hear that. Would you feel comfortable posting the contents of your email on here, to see if any of us can offer advice? Has anything happened in your life recently that could have triggered this blip?

kchan

24-12-13, 16:55

The short version is i've had a series of unsuccessful job interviews, most recently i was told twice by one of the interviewers how suited i was for the job and then i didn't end up getting it, even though there were a number of positions available so my chances were high. My anxiety/depression ended up costing me my last job and i keep thinking of it being a factor in not getting anything since, either because i'm doing something subconsciously to project how scared i am or because someone at my previous job tells them. My relationship has also crumbled lately, it feels like it's over but neither of us can let it go. I have moments where i try and then i break down, we just lash out constantly and i don't want that anymore but i can't see it ever getting to a place where we're stable again, but i want that so badly. I don't really have any friends and i can't talk to my family about this particular part of the problem so i feel completely trapped with it. Plus with the time of year i can't be unhappy right now, i don't want to ruin everyone elses time because none of this is their fault. This has all come about in the past few weeks and just really hit home the other day, i do have propanolol left and i tried taking some but it really didnt have any effect. I also try to take Kalms but again i just feel nothing. I was pushed to harming (mildly) and felt it did something, but when i think on that it scares me and the cycle starts over. Any little thing really makes the cycle start over.

Daisy Sue

24-12-13, 18:15

:( Really sorry to hear that they weren't more helpful - did they give any links to anywhere that does give advice??

I wouldn't assume that there's something you're doing or relaying at interviews - everyone I know who's job hunting right now, is getting the same result as you, including my hubby - he also went for an interview the other week where there were 18 vacancies, had the right experience, and felt the interview went great.. then got a 'thanks but no thanks' letter a week later. It's just the way things are right now, there are so many people applying for each job that you just have to be very lucky to be picked.

I'm sorry you're also having relationship problems, been there and it sucks. Maybe take a few days off from thinking about it, try to give yourself as nice a Xmas as you can, and then decide to try and talk things out with your partner afterwards..?

If you ever want to pm me, I'd be happy to hear from you.

Sparkle1984

24-12-13, 20:10

A similar thing happened to me 4 years ago when I was made redundant and had to start looking for other jobs. I applied for a job which sounded ideal for me and there were 2 vacancies, so I thought I stood a good chance of getting one. I was invited to an interview, which I thought went well, but a couple of days later the recruitment consultant called me to say I hadn't got the job. I was really upset as I liked the look of the company and the people seemed nice and there were good training opportunities. The interviewer had given me his business card so I decided to contact him directly, pretty much asking for a second chance. I listed my key skills and experience for the job. They invited me back for a second interview and they admitted they were having trouble deciding who to offer the jobs to! They said they would contact me the following week to let me know the outcome, but I never heard from them again. I was disappointed but I thought I'd better not contact them again as I didn't want to sound desperate.

The good thing is that I was offered a job a month later with a different company, which was actually even better than the one I didn't get!

So I don't think it's anything you're doing wrong. If you keep trying I'm sure you'll find something soon. :)

kchan

24-12-13, 22:23

Thank you both again. It's been a rocky day, some family came over and I hid most of the time for fear of breaking down in front of them. I managed though, just. I read your thread Sparkle and im going to try some of the methods you suggested. I still feel completely lost, miserable, directionless, all the stuff I did but I was at least able to talk to someone even just for a minute. I don't know whether I'll go back to my GP, I can't right now anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter.

kchan

25-12-13, 21:57

Another rocky day, I didn't have any appetite but I didn't want to refuse anything so I had to suck it up, I managed though. It's just been so slow and when it's slow it's such a fight not to focus on the downside of things, it's too exhausting. Does anyone know if going to a GP would help? And would everything be strictly confidential even if harm is a risk, and would they even prescribe anything if that's a risk? I still want to try going later in the week when everything opens up again but I don't know if it'll do any good.

Daisy Sue

25-12-13, 23:49

I would say yes, definitely go have a chat with your gp.. if there's one you feel you have a better relationship with, it's worthing waiting to see that one. What's discussed between an adult and a doctor should be confidential unless they hear/see something that has to be passed to another professional, but I don't think there's anything you've told us here that a GP would need to do that.. however they may refer you for some counselling/support which might be just what you need.

GPs can help you through this - and you need & deserve that help, so yes - make the appointment.

Andrea2607

26-12-13, 00:12

Hey there, there's nothing I can add to the previous posts, they are fantastic just want you to know that I too get very little support from my family and have to bottle it all up until I can't take anymore....and then I have a breakdown and end up in hospital. Please try and see your doctor asap or to your nearest A&E if things get too much.

Please let us know how you get on....people really care here. :hugs::bighug1:

kchan

27-12-13, 10:51

So I went to my GP and he was completely dismissive. Complete waste of time!

missacorah

27-12-13, 10:56

So I went to my GP and he was completely dismissive. Complete waste of time!

Do you always see the same GP kchan? It really makes a difference who you see. I came out of my GP surgery last week after being snapped at and made to feel worthless. When I asked for a medical sick note for work he replied 'What am I supposed to write on it? You cant work because of a feeling?' (he was referring to my anxiety)

3 days later I saw another GP I was signed off for another week and sent for further tests to put my mind at rest. See someone else my sweet x

Daisy Sue

27-12-13, 11:20

So I went to my GP and he was completely dismissive. Complete waste of time!

That's ridiculous! You need help, and you're going to all the right places, & not getting it. I'm so sorry, and I'm very cross for you :(

Maybe you should write a letter to the practice manager.. saying exactly how you're feeling, all the stuff you've told us here, and explain the dismissive reaction you got from the GP you saw. That might get things rolling, and maybe you can get to see a different GP who'd know the background from your letter.

You have to keep fighting for the help, unfortunately - it shouldn't be this way, but sadly in some cases it is.

kchan

27-12-13, 23:50

It made me very angry to just be dismissed like that, especially when the same practice diagnosed my anxiety/depression earlier this year so it's right there in my notes from their mouths! I figure I'll wait a week and go back if I haven't been able to improve, but ask to see a different doctor in the practice. I'm trying to take steps with it myself, just try to rationalise even a tiny piece of the mess then stop before it runs away with itself then let that small rationalised piece sit for a bit. It's not easy to stop that runaway happening though and getting completely out of hand, and m still having problems eating and sleeping. But, small steps.

kchan

30-12-13, 04:13

Today I was able to keep myself under control, mostly. I had a few shaky moments but I caught myself and was able to pull back from the edge on my own. I didn't hurt myself, physically or emotionally, I didn't allow myself to dwell on currently unchangeable negatives, I kept rational and it felt good. It might not hold tomorrow or the next day or the next, but at least I can perhaps try to ease myself with the thought that it's possible because it happened today. Even if it was a fluke, it happened :)