allalone
24-12-13, 09:28
Hi all,
I am really suffering mentally with my thoughts. I have always been a worrier, ever since I was little.
The past year I haven't been able to switch off feelings of guilt and shame about myself and the past thoughts I've had.
I don't know if I have anxiety or depression or both. I cry all the time and self harm. I wake up most mornings and cry. I find it hard to switch off at work now. Basically my thoughts ghave been troubling me. I know that I've had these thoughts myself but I really don't want to have had them and I am ashamed that I've thought this way. For example I think that when I was 13 my auntie was very ill and I remember praying for her to get better and get good results. Then my mind said to me if she got bad results then at least people at school would be nicer to me. I mean what is that all about? Why on earth am I thinking of myself? What a horrible thing to think. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her obviously. Then another issue I have with myself is that I wasn't happy when my friend got pregnant because she was being my bridesmaid. I wanted her to have a baby but not get pregnant before the wedding. Again really selfish. Another thought I am not sure if its real or not as this one only entered my brain a few days ago...anyway we were on honeymoon with a couple and found out he'd killed himself. When I read the news I did a double take and read it again and thought it wasn't the guy and thought oh this isn't that interesting then. Then I realised it was him and it made me cry. It was almost like I wasn't interested when I thought at first it wasn't him and not that I wished it was him but when I saw it was I was interested.. I just cant get real and made up thoughts it of my mind. I sometimes have horrible visions too. I just cant rest. I want to be a nice person. I feel like I am a selfish, horrible person who will go to He'll.
---------- Post added at 09:28 ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 ----------
I should probably add that I've had a few issues and things to deal with in life. Cousin died when we were both toddlers (we were best pals), auntie (mums sister) had breast cancer for most of my life and died young (i was close to her). My mum got breast cancer and all I have done is worry ever since about her. Had a lot of things to deal with.
I am really suffering mentally with my thoughts. I have always been a worrier, ever since I was little.
The past year I haven't been able to switch off feelings of guilt and shame about myself and the past thoughts I've had.
I don't know if I have anxiety or depression or both. I cry all the time and self harm. I wake up most mornings and cry. I find it hard to switch off at work now. Basically my thoughts ghave been troubling me. I know that I've had these thoughts myself but I really don't want to have had them and I am ashamed that I've thought this way. For example I think that when I was 13 my auntie was very ill and I remember praying for her to get better and get good results. Then my mind said to me if she got bad results then at least people at school would be nicer to me. I mean what is that all about? Why on earth am I thinking of myself? What a horrible thing to think. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her obviously. Then another issue I have with myself is that I wasn't happy when my friend got pregnant because she was being my bridesmaid. I wanted her to have a baby but not get pregnant before the wedding. Again really selfish. Another thought I am not sure if its real or not as this one only entered my brain a few days ago...anyway we were on honeymoon with a couple and found out he'd killed himself. When I read the news I did a double take and read it again and thought it wasn't the guy and thought oh this isn't that interesting then. Then I realised it was him and it made me cry. It was almost like I wasn't interested when I thought at first it wasn't him and not that I wished it was him but when I saw it was I was interested.. I just cant get real and made up thoughts it of my mind. I sometimes have horrible visions too. I just cant rest. I want to be a nice person. I feel like I am a selfish, horrible person who will go to He'll.
---------- Post added at 09:28 ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 ----------
I should probably add that I've had a few issues and things to deal with in life. Cousin died when we were both toddlers (we were best pals), auntie (mums sister) had breast cancer for most of my life and died young (i was close to her). My mum got breast cancer and all I have done is worry ever since about her. Had a lot of things to deal with.