harasgenster
27-12-13, 01:42
As others have said, Christmas can be a difficult time of year, and for me that's because I have to see my family.
Don't get me wrong, I get on great with my family, but they are the reason I got ill (to be blunt) and this makes them very triggering.
I recovered fully from eating disorders about two years ago but still have some hangups and worries about my body that I try to deal with as they come up and reinforce positive messages.
My anorexia began when I was 13 when my formerly anorexic mother told me I was getting dumpy and should go on a diet (I was a UK size 8). This led into a spiral of weight loss and bouts of compulsive eating that took over my life (and ruined every opportunity I had when I was young) until I was 25.
This year my mother went on the 5:2 diet. Last time I saw her I got a shock because she looked thin so I asked if she had been unwell. She told me about the diet so I said it was probably time she quit and went back to eating normally because she wouldn't want to lose more weight. But no, she told me she had a target of 7 stone two pounds, which would put her at a BMI of around 16 or 17. I got upset and angry with her - at the time I thought she was being extremely inconsiderate to boast about her behaviour to me when I was in recovery - and she accused me of being jealous of her body and told me if she was my weight (BMI of 20 to 21) she would go on a diet. She did confess, however, that if I went on a diet she would worry about me and that she knew her thoughts were disordered.
I'm going home for a few days tomorrow and I've just realised tonight that she has - to the best of my knowledge - continued with her plans so she will be really underweight when I get back. I just don't want to see her now. I partly just feel frustrated with her for not 'trying harder' to be well (I'm sure I'm being inconsiderate there), and partly angry that she knows it was her behaviour that triggered me to ruin my own life for a period, and lose my adolescence to illness, and that by just doing it all over again she is showing no remorse. I wasn't angry with her for the comment she made when I was 13 because I understand that she would never do anything to hurt me and that she was ill herself. But this time I'm angry and I just don't want to see her.
If I'm honest, there's also a part of me that misses being anorexic. It's difficult for me to do certain things post anorexia (for the time being) because I have lost confidence as a result of not controlling my weight. I know that sounds weird, but I still don't feel quite right not controlling things and it just makes me feel like I'm swimming in chaos and my life is going terribly. But that's just the anorexia talking and I never want to go back to that. It's just that when I see others do it and remember the feeling that I was in control and I was successful and achieving things, and that I had aims and goals etc (not that I don't have them, it's just easier to lose weight than reach a career goal because you're 100% in control of that!) and it makes me nostalgic and sad that I don't feel the same (at the moment, I will eventually, I believe that).
BLAH! Sorry. Just a bit of a moan I suppose :(
Don't get me wrong, I get on great with my family, but they are the reason I got ill (to be blunt) and this makes them very triggering.
I recovered fully from eating disorders about two years ago but still have some hangups and worries about my body that I try to deal with as they come up and reinforce positive messages.
My anorexia began when I was 13 when my formerly anorexic mother told me I was getting dumpy and should go on a diet (I was a UK size 8). This led into a spiral of weight loss and bouts of compulsive eating that took over my life (and ruined every opportunity I had when I was young) until I was 25.
This year my mother went on the 5:2 diet. Last time I saw her I got a shock because she looked thin so I asked if she had been unwell. She told me about the diet so I said it was probably time she quit and went back to eating normally because she wouldn't want to lose more weight. But no, she told me she had a target of 7 stone two pounds, which would put her at a BMI of around 16 or 17. I got upset and angry with her - at the time I thought she was being extremely inconsiderate to boast about her behaviour to me when I was in recovery - and she accused me of being jealous of her body and told me if she was my weight (BMI of 20 to 21) she would go on a diet. She did confess, however, that if I went on a diet she would worry about me and that she knew her thoughts were disordered.
I'm going home for a few days tomorrow and I've just realised tonight that she has - to the best of my knowledge - continued with her plans so she will be really underweight when I get back. I just don't want to see her now. I partly just feel frustrated with her for not 'trying harder' to be well (I'm sure I'm being inconsiderate there), and partly angry that she knows it was her behaviour that triggered me to ruin my own life for a period, and lose my adolescence to illness, and that by just doing it all over again she is showing no remorse. I wasn't angry with her for the comment she made when I was 13 because I understand that she would never do anything to hurt me and that she was ill herself. But this time I'm angry and I just don't want to see her.
If I'm honest, there's also a part of me that misses being anorexic. It's difficult for me to do certain things post anorexia (for the time being) because I have lost confidence as a result of not controlling my weight. I know that sounds weird, but I still don't feel quite right not controlling things and it just makes me feel like I'm swimming in chaos and my life is going terribly. But that's just the anorexia talking and I never want to go back to that. It's just that when I see others do it and remember the feeling that I was in control and I was successful and achieving things, and that I had aims and goals etc (not that I don't have them, it's just easier to lose weight than reach a career goal because you're 100% in control of that!) and it makes me nostalgic and sad that I don't feel the same (at the moment, I will eventually, I believe that).
BLAH! Sorry. Just a bit of a moan I suppose :(