Christmas, worries and family.

[Beth28]

I have been having a problem with my right side abdo for years. I have had three scans and numerous blood tests for it. But recently the pains got worse, like grab for the pain killer worse. I have a phobia about taking medication after a psychiatrist over prescribed a medication to me 15 years ago. (Long story) so for me to grab painkillers means the pain is real. The pain goes through to my back and upto my shoulder blade. I have with the abdo pain, an itch and leg pain. All symptoms to do with liver/pancreas/gall bladder coupled with my urine is neon bright yellow, float between constipation and loose bowels. Sorry for the description.

Anyway, to the point. I spent this year with my mum. She goes away every year so this was the first Christmas that we have had since my grandfather passed away four years ago. My grandfather means the world to me. He was gone six months after the nicest Christmas I have ever had. This Christmas, I went to a party - never done that before. Had mum over, went to a lovely dinner with friends and did a turkey, put up Christmas lights for mum and found a half sister through the internet. Reached out to her and now I REALLY wished I hadn't. Because I generally do not do these things. I can't help thinking this is my last Christmas. My grandfather had a lovely Christmas and he was gone. The pain has gotten worse both on my right side and legs, the itch has started. I feel I should not enjoy myself any longer as I have set my fate to die next year. I also, have a milestone birthday next year. I want to make it. Where my grandfather is buried the average age is 45 - 47. So when say that the stats say people are dying older. I know that isn't true. My grand father is a rarity in life and in passing.

My worry/anxiety is not about dying exactly but leaving my partner (he is truly is a lovely human being) and the pain of illness. Leaving this world, not afraid of that. The suffering, emotional and physical scares me. All though this season has been lovely and it is what life is all about. I can't shake the feeling that I am due for a painful, scary and pathetic few months of life. I can't get it that I should be grateful, I can't get it that I am fortunate. I can't get I should live in the moment.The pain gets worse and it confirms I am alive but I don't sleep well and I don't know what I want. To be Miserable and be in pain or be happy?

Sorry for the rant.

[RoseEve]

Most of us have these thoughts. One year I was carving pumpkins with my little one and I thought this will be the last time I will ever do this. Guess what that was two years ago. I understand your fear of leaving those you love. I agree I could face death it's leaving my loved ones that scares me. Everytime my daughter says I want my mommy I think about how I might not always be there. But it's just our fear talking.

[Althea]

for me to grab painkillers means the pain is real.

All pain is real, though--there's no fake pain. Anxiety-induced pain is extremely real and often extremely painful. It sounds like you're thinking that it couldn't be anxiety-related if you needed painkillers, and that's really not true.

It's also not quite true to say that these are symptoms to do with gallbladder/liver/pancreas--I mean, sure, they could be, but they also fit very well with anxiety, IBS, etc., and there's nothing there to suggest that liver is likelier than those.

People post a lot here about being convinced that they're going to leave loved ones behind. And while I understand that, the sad irony is that the HA is really how people's loved ones are being deprived--the fear of their losing you is already taking you away. I'm not seeing that you've seen a doctor for treatment of your abdominal pain--there are actually some medications that might help, and getting the right painkiller can make a big difference. I know part of your HA is the fear of medication, but again, that's a fear that can separate you from your loved ones when treatment might help you be there for them as you wish.

Good luck! I hope the new year brings you better times.