I need to do something different

[phil6]

I feel awful reverting to post more questions on this site, and looking for reassurance again.
My experience struggling with anxiety varies from odd times when I feel normal to sheer fear when I feel the need to resolve something, but don't know what.
I expect most Of youwill know what I mean if you have GAD.
As part of my CBT training I have been writing down what I believe the triggering thoughts are, although I find it very difficult to uncover them.
But the bottom line with me is that when the anxiety sweeps over me as it does most days during the morning, I feel urged to try and work out and find out what I need to do to cope with the feeling.
Now I do understand that acceptance is about not working it out and about not doing anything, however, I find this almost impossible. In fact at its peak I always want to breakdown and cry. This I believe is self-pity, and a cry for help
This week I have decided to do something different.
Continually breaking down and feeling a little bit better then going throug the same thing the following day is exhausting.
Although the urge is great I have resisted doing this for the past few days. To my surprise I do actually feel better eventually, although not quite as fast as allowing myself to cry.
However, the feelings return on a daily basis and I still feel the urge to cry and nearly did today.
As I write this my stomach churns and I feel lost in depression again.
It feels like if I don't do something I will remain like this for ever.
Maybe this is one of the negative thoughts I need to deal with.
I just wondered whether this is an experienced many people go through, and if so how do you think and deal with it?
I am on my second week of Mertazapine which is keeping me sedated a little.
Phil

[Tanner40]

Phil, please don't feel bad about posting what you're going through on this site. We all need to ask questions sometimes and feel that other folks know what we are going through. I totally understand about feeling that you need to try something different.

I think that there is a difference in accepting the symptoms of anxiety and not letting your imagination take over, and still being able to practice CBT and try to get to the root of the problem. Just my opinion and some with more experience than I have will possibly have better advice. Sounds like you are working hard and trying to do the right things, aimed at recovery. Congratulations on that!

[Sands]

Now I could be wrong but u say it yourself that u shouldn't try to work it out but that is exactly what u r doing. I know exactly how u feel but honestly if u just keep doing stuff acting normally these feelings pass. I have been there but I'm a lot better I don't wake up with that morning feeling anymore cos I think I try not to waste my time over it. I know myself when I try to work it out read stuff I just go round and round in circles and I feel worse for it. I feel that I'm coming out of it a bit now and I'm learning just leave the feelings alone and honestly in time u will start to see things more clearly

[phil6]

Thanks Tanner,
And Sands, I am so glad to hear you say that you are getting better.
You are both right, I try so hard to do this "right".
When I start to think, and the feelings come, I Immediately go into to the mode of thinking "right what should I do."... Relax my shoulders. Take some deep press. Then what am I thinking ....what should I be thinking what should I not be thinking etc.
It all becomes a bit of a blur. And before I know it I am taking part in the battle full force. And worst of all believing my thoughts....
It is so very difficult to let it all go and let it be as it is. And so hard to discard my thoughts. It feels so real that I am heading towards a calamity.
Today I resisted all that for just a little while, and went swimming. I am now feeling a little less agitated.
I need to remember what both of you have said. That is the feeling does pass on its own without anything that i do. In fact it will go whatever I do.
It is a waste of time trying to work it out. I know that. I think this time around, now that I have retired it is a little more difficult for me to distract myself and I have too much time on my hands. One of the problems I have is that Anxiet robs you of your interest in my hobbies etc.
Thanks for your help.
Sharing these struggles are extremely helpful and helps me to grasp the simple truths.
Phil

[Tanner40]

What kind of hobbies do you have, Phil? Things that you liked to do when the anxiety and depression are better.

[craigj1303]

Hi Phil,
When I first joined this site, I remember reading your posts in response to others who were struggling at that time, and I remember a great deal of wisdom and helpful responses from you. It's a shame of course that you are feeling low at the moment, but not entirely unexpected. As I am sure you have experienced good and bad days before. It's all part of GAD. You have the knowledge, you have the wisdom, but you must also allow yourself to reach out to people on this site from time to time. Don't feel bad about it and look upon it as a backwards step, it's not.

[phil6]

Thanks Craig,
It's really hard for me at the moment. There seems to be more bad days than good.
The thing with GAD is the mind always finds something to worry about. I managed to successfully do some things I was worrying about and finally get through Xmas. I think I was expecting to feel better now that's over but it doesn't work like that does it. I have no patience with this anxiety disorder. I know how it feels to get better as I have done so in the past but my grasping at it is a problem at the moment.
Hobbies? I have lots of interests ... I love rugby and am a fan and very involved in my local Club. I do photography, like technology, and design web sites. I also have volunteered to help coach youngsters and the elderly in computing.
I just have this horrible feeling that I am falling short of recovering and will let people down.
Of course no one outside my family knows I am anxious and I would be mortified if they found out...it's a major presssure.
My issue is all in the thoughts I have...
I cannot get over it this time...
I am getting worse
Etc. Etc....
I have always followed the advice given by the late great Claire Weekes, and I still believe and preach this way to recover. I still try and follow her advice alongside all the more modern therapies.
Sometimes I feel if I could just stop fretting over my emotional state of the moment and remember that I don't have any "real" worries, I could recover very quickly. But my striving to do this keeps me in the internal war I have with myself.
Yes I have tried to help others on this site, and maybe I have... I hope so... I just need to follow my own advice sometimes... It is simple advise but not a easy.
Phil