Out Of My Routine

[Tanner40]

Boy, Christmas and other events have sure taken me out of my routine. It's difficult to get back to my routine, as my Father is staing with us indefinitely.

My Father had to go to the ER with severe back pain. He has been having back pain for awhile but if has progressively gotten much worse. He is normally quite fit and he could barely walk, with my brother almost having to carry him. At the ER, the did an ultrasound and a CAT Scan and found a mass and a lesion on his spinal column. Wince then, he has been staying with my partner and me and he is taking pain pills and muscle relaxers.

He got a phone call from his primary care physician and they have booked him a very fast appointment with an oncologist this Monday. That is very quick maneuvering for an appointment with an oncologist. He is to have an MRI on Monday so they can get a more in depth look at the spinal lesion. The doctor has already spoken to him about chemotherapy.

With all that said, I am having a difficult time getting time to take care of myself. I try to journal in the morning but he is sitting right beside me. I try to come on here and post but then I feel guilty because I feel I am not paying him enough attention. Same for going to my room to do mediation or getting on the computer to do CBT.

Very stressful time indeed! Interested in hearing how those of you with care taking responsibilities make time for yourselves without feeling guilty.

[Pomchi]

Hi Tanner,

Firstly sorry to hear that new about your dad. I agree with you that it is SO hard to stick to any sort of routine over the Christmas period. I haven't written in my journal since 23rd December and have done zero meditation!

In a way I quite like the busy aspect of it, in that I have very little time to think any bad thoughts and no time to focus on symptoms.

#But in another way it's bad as everything gets a bit lax and I worry that any progress I was making has now been set back!

Am making a conscious effort today to at least do one thing on my help-list, even if it's only reading a cbt book for a while.

Maybe take a book into the bath with you, or meditate in there for 5 mins. At least there should be a lock on the door!

hope things get better for you :)

[Tanner40]

Thanks Ponchi, that's a great idea about the bath. At least then I wouldn't feel guilty about doingnsomething for myself. I can at least listen to a relation tape in the bath. Phenomenal idea!

[Tanner40]

I'm very concerned about my Dad this morning, as he went to bed before 10:00PM last night and he is still in the bed this morning, ten hours later. Of course, I am afraid to go check as I'm convinced he is dead. Last night, he was in such tremendous pain with his back. The pain is definitely getting worse. Much worse than it was four months ago.

I know that there is no point in worrying until he gets the MRI and sees the oncologist on Monday. I did have a good day yesterday, watching basketball with my family, and my brother made homemade bread and burgoo stew.

I watched Mrs. browns Boys yesterday and it made me laugh like crazy. I wish that I could get BBC1 in the U.S. One of the funniest shows that I've seen. I also took a bubble bath last night, and did some meditation while in there.

I still find myself feeling guilty when I am doing something positive for myself and my Dad is sitting there bored and in pain. Whynismit that I feel like I should be giving him 100% of my attention or I end up feeling guilty. I have to find a balance of taking care of the both of us.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

You are doing a wonderful job caring for your father while you are also needing to care for yourself. Of course, you know this, but you have to take care of yourself- because you will not be any help to your family if you breakdown. Sort of that "put your own oxygen mask on before putting on your child's on" airplane speech.

Thinking of you today- your NMP friends are here for you.

[Fishmanpa]

I've been following what's been going on and as others have said, you're doing incredibly well under the circumstances.

I can relate from the other side being the patient and Marcia being my caretaker during my illness. It was as stressful and trying for her as it was for me. There were times I basically kicked her out and made her do for herself for her own good. She still worried but it was good for her and I was just fine. If anything, she paid too much attention to me as there were many times there was nothing she could do for me. I just had to deal with things on my own sometimes and those were the times I urged her to do for herself.

There will be times you can't do any more than you're already doing. Please don't feel guilty about taking "me" time. You need it and your Dad will be just fine I assure you :)

Positive thoughts

[Tanner40]

Thanks TooMuch and Fishmanpa. I appreciate your thoughts and yes, Fishmanpa, you're right in that he probably wishes that I'd get out of his hair more often. I did sit down with him after this mornings post and told him that when I was on the computer, I was often working on my own mental health. I told him about this site and about my CBT and now I feel less guilty as he knows that I am just not ignoring him.
I have to be my first priority or I will be no good to the rest of my family. Had some fun today as I left the house and did some pottery. That is always relaxing. Now for some football.

[Fishmanpa]

Now for some football.

:yesyes: Go Eagles!

Positive thoughts and a Cowboys loss!

[Tanner40]

A Cowboys loss is always something to be happy about.

[Leslie735]

I'm very sorry to hear about your Dad. I will keep in my prayers!

[Tanner40]

Thanks Leslie. I really appreciate that thought!

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Hey Tanner,
Just thinking of you today, and wondering if your dad found out anything at his MRI and oncologist appt?

Hope you are doing well.....

[Tanner40]

Thanks Too Much! We just got back from his oncology appointment and the oncologist is pretty damn certain that it is a malignant lesion that has metastasized from a primary spot. Thursday morning, he goes to the hospital for a full body MRI and a full body CAT Scan with contrast. Then we are back at the oncologist on Friday morning. We just lost Mom to lung cancer three years ago, so we are all a bit shell shocked at the moment. Your message was exactly what I needed to see when I logged on here. Off for the moment to go to the pharmacy to get stronger pain medication for my Dad.

[Fishmanpa]

Damn! Sorry to hear this Tanner :( Cancer sucks!

Positive thoughts and prayers

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Oh, Tanner, I am so sorry it looks as though there may be a rough journey ahead with your father. I know how hard the wait on the full body scans, etc. can be. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer this summer. She had a radical mastectomy a month ago, and just this morning had reconstructive surgery to repair the area that wasn't healing from last time.

The good news is- the doctors are moving quickly. I will be praying that this is treatable, and for you and your family to have peace while you are waiting for results. Also, for your dad's pain level.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself, and know that we are here for you.

[Tanner40]

Thanks TooMuch and Fishmanpa. Yes, cancer does certainly suck. I guess we will know for sure on Friday morning, but doesn't look great as the doctors are moving at warp speeds. I can't tell you how much your support means to me.

Miraculously, I have always been great during a crisis. It's generally afterwards that I fall apart. This time, I am trying to do things differently. I am trying to find and take time for myself and letting people know what time that I need to do those things for me. That has taken some of the pressure off of me for the moment. One day at a time is all I can concentrate on and on each day I'm going to make sure to take care of myself.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Hey Tanner, just wanted you to know when I woke up early this morning I said a prayer for you and your dad. I hope the day ahead brings some relief from his pain, and that you are able to find some moments of true joy throughout this last day of 2013. :flowers:

[MrAndy]

My thoughts and prayers are with you tanner

[simi]

Tanner just read your post so sorry to hear about your dad, both my parents had lung cancer so know a little of what your going through its so hard to see you loved ones in pain, my thoughts and prayers to you and thank you for bothering to answer my post when you have enough to cope with. Take Care Simi

[BikerMatt]

Tanner, wishing your father all the very best.

[Tanner40]

Too Much, Mr Andy, Simi and Biker Matt. All of you are amazing and I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. Control has always been a big issue for me and I constantly work on letting go. Today, I can control my reactions and my thoughts. I can also control that my house needed some cleaning up. I've done laundry, made the bed, cleaned the kitchen and swept the floors. Later, on to the dusting.

I had six days off work and was looking forward to chilling and reading. It hasn't worked out the way I planned, but I'm doing my best to find enjoyment in different ways. The sun is shining on this last day of the year, and I'm thankful. My dogs are laying in the sun and have been playing. At least when the new kitten isn't biting their ears and tails. The little things that make me laugh and I'm appreciative.

[Pomchi]

Hi Tanner,

Sorry this message is a bit late but have been offline for a few days. So sorry to hear about your dads results.

I hope you've been managing to find a tiny bit of time for yourself and that if you do you're not feeling guilty!

The stronger you are, the better you will be able to help your dad.
You will both be in my prayers tonight. Lots of love to you x

[Tanner40]

Hey Pomchi. Thanks for the message. I'm trying to find time for myself. It's tough but I'm definitely working on it. Just trying to be positive and not worry. That's the trick for today.