View Full Version : How to stop feeling sorry for yourself
I have had my fair share of anxiety over the Christmas period. Like most of us I still struggle with accepting the way I feel, despite CBT and medication.
This morning I felt really down in the dumps, and gave in to the urge to withdraw and sob. Then both my children turned up unexpectedly with their children and suddenly the house was filled with people and chatter.
I sat quietly and pretended that I was okay, and although I had reddened eyes I am pretty sure that no one noticed. But I did feel very anxious and very upset. It was another ordeal to get through...what a shame!
As soon as they left I burst into tears and retreated upstairs. My departing words to my wife were "what is wrong with me".
And this is the crux of my post. I may be suffering from anxiety and depression but there is something that is driving me to feel sorry for myself. If I am totally honest there is self pity involved and a cry for help.
I have thought a lot about this and it seems that if I am honest I am looking for someone who I need to be dependant on if that makes sense.
I and the senior person in my family. I am 60 years old and have lost both my parents. If I am honest I still miss them and wouldn't be feeling the way I am if they still were still around. But at my age I do feel it's time I grew up.
I have to face the fact that it's hard work dealing with depression and anxiety but making it much harder feeling sorry for myself isn't good.
Do you agree it's time to call an end to this energy sapping emotion.
It's doing me no good and in the end it will alienate my wife, who has been very supportive.
I think it's time I found some courage in my life... I know there will be times when this will feel hard, but the change has to happen.
Is this something others have gone through?
Hi Phil sorry to hear you are suffering,I've felt sorry for myself all day today after waking up with horrible anxiety.I just got out the house and visited my brother which has made me feel better.To recover does take effort and we must keep moving on ,there is no alternative really.
Take care
Thanks Andy,
Yes.... I think I am making things harder for myself as I am (in my head) searching for someone to get my through this.
I tell myself I am willing to do the hard graft to get through each anxious day, but there is a part of me that wants to pass this on to someone else. Sounds stupid I know but it is simply feeling sorry for myself. It's not helping and it is likely to turn others away.
I just wonder how common this is.... It has taken me a long time to realise this as part of me has been just blaming my tearful spells on depression.
I know I keep making decisions to act differently, or be more determined, and then keep failing, but this is one practice that I think I need to stop.
For example, I sat quietly in the company of the children playing next to me this afternoon. My mind was on myself which is the way it is for me when I am anxious. I did have a choice to involve myself in conversation and even play, but I didn't. Why.... Because I chose to feel sorry for myself instead. It's a hard lesson. I am not going to be too hard on myself, but recognising what I am doing is a small step.
Phil
I think we also have to be a bit selfish with this affliction and make sure we come 1st at times.Dont forget to pat yourself on the back when you get through a bad day.We all need support in some form so don't beat yourself about wanting it,wether you feel it's passing it onto somebody or not.
TooMuchToLiveFor
29-12-13, 18:08
Hey Phil, I have found myself wishing so much that I didn't have this condition (severe anxiety/panic), and I have definitely found myself feeling sorry for myself. I think it is a wonderful first step for you to recognize that pattern, but you are very right to stay away from self-condemnation too. I find myself pitying myself because I feel this way, because I have to take medicine, because I can't have another baby on the meds, because I can't enjoy a cup of coffee or an adult beverage,.....these thoughts are all normal for the journey we're on and it isn't wrong to have them.....but we have to capture those thoughts and swap them for thankful, positive ones because the other thoughts surely are not helpful.
Take care of yourself, and know that better days lie ahead!!
Thanks... Thinking about this as a journey that we all share, is an uplifting thought.
Nature's healer is time....time will always do its job if you let it. Pushing yourself and telling yourself something is wrong and it needs fixing and convincing yourself you will never be able to fix it keeps you in conflict. It is best to accept your situation and allow time to heal.
Courage certainly helps and you are always using a little of it to keep going. However upset you are you always keep going because your body is healthy and wants to live. Look inside you as there is life and colour in there, but at the moment you are colourblind and can't connect with anything positive.
You know you are analysing your depression too much...you know it doesn't help to question it and question yourself constantly. You give yourself a neverending battle to fight, an imaginary adversary.
Perhaps write 2 lists: What Helps My Depression, and What Does Not Help My Depression. Use forsight, for example crying may make you feel better but you know it doesn't help. You may see that exercising and eating well helps. There's no reason not to do these things, even if you don't want to.
It is possible to make yourself do things you once enjoyed and again feel that you are enjoying them. You just need to do them. Reintroduce yourself to the world, connect with all your senses.
I woke up this morning and told myself that today, I will not join my internal questioning of my state of mind, I will not question whether anything is normal, I will not think things through or work things out, why am I like this, should I do this, should I do that. The act of getting out of bed, putting my foot down and straight way putting this into practise gave me the start and rest of the best day I've had all week. You must let go and let yourself float away.
Volvoman50
29-12-13, 20:30
Hi phil6 don't be hard on yourself and have compassion for yourself too! Your doing well try to accept things and get on PanchoGozs advice is good get on even when you don't feel like it time does heal and you will improve. A good saying is you have to fake it until you make it! Just as you carry on so your mind learns there is nothing to fear.
Thanks again...wise words indeed...
You know I did promise someone a few weeks ago that I would start doing things I used to enjoy even though I have lost my joy in doing them. I have not followed through with this promise...
I will make a start tomorrow, no matter how I feel. It is time to make changes.
Small steps, without so much concern over how I feel.
Thanks again.
Phil
Just an update.... I made a decision last night to try and stop ruminating so much and let the subject of anxiety, which my mind wants to continuously work on, take less of my mental resources. Now I know when I make decisions, they usually turn out to be another mistake for which I berate myself.
This morning started with the same old lump of rock in my stomach, and the mind spinning. It took some effort to keep in mind that this will pass and I kept having to say STOP mentally. However, apart from a few short spells of "this is too hard" which I managed to recognise as another negative thought, the day got easier. As my physical symptoms (churning) subsided a little I found it slightly easier to remind my mind that it didn't need to work on the subject, although it did insist on regular checking in on how I was feeling.
It's an ongoing practice.... And I am sure they will be bad times to overcome but so far so good.... It feels like a bit of a rest, and what a chatterbox my ego mind is!!
Phil
Somedays Phil it's good to take a break from fighting the fight
This is good Phil, you can see how it works. You can have a rest like this for the rest of your life if you let yourself. When your depressed mind says "this is too hard" make it a joke and say "this is too easy!"
Live laugh and love, and keep at it
You don't even have to put pressure on yourself to say STOP to your thoughts, you can just watch them, and when you are aware of them they get shy and come to a natural end. Get up in the morning and smile. Wiggle your toes, fingers, roll your head and connect with your body. You are ready for the day.
We all hate that morning feeling that Claire Weekes describes so well, so its best to just get straight up and on with the day.
theharvestmouse
30-12-13, 14:52
Sometimes it's OK to feel sorry for yourself, sometimes it turns into anger which then turns into pro activity to change.
Pancho,
You are a gem.....
I went to the gym and did a workout which I try and keep up regularly, followed by a nice swim. The anxiety stayed with me with little waves of intensity, but I must not exaggerate, it wasn't too bad.
I am back home and am watching a bit of TV.
All of a sudden, and it is probably due not a thought like " the churning tummy is getting a bit intense" , my anxiety spikes. Now usually this defeats me as I tend do get hooked by some nasty thoughts like " this is too hard" or "why?" ... So I got up and took the dog out rather than sit and get involved in thinking. I spoke to a neighbour and have just got back feeling a bit unsteady but still with some determination. It is passing as I write this having just read your post.
I can't say I have managed to laugh about it yet....!
Maybe tomorrow....
This feels very much like when I gave up smoking.... (15 years ago). I used to manage until about lunch time and then succumbe.. Then one day I did it.... With the aid of a patch, but I went all day..... That was a turning point.
However painful this feels it does come and go.... I am learning to let it be.
Small steps... Phil x
HarvestMouse... How are you doing?
Phil
A stormy sea takes a while to settle after the storm.
We are with you all the way Phil :hugs:
AnxietySufferer
30-12-13, 17:27
I think the worst is thing about it is that it is so hards for someone who is not going through it to understand. Also the fact that you have to help yourself to get over it, you cant just rely on doctors or family to get through (although this is a great help) there is also a large proportion that needs to be sorted on your own! I think thts what I am struggling with that the moment.. it makes me resent myself for not getting out there and enjoying the time I have rather than feeling sorry for myself. I feel like its unfair on my family but i dont know howe to stop it :(
theharvestmouse
30-12-13, 18:20
I'm OK phil, I've had periods of feeling sorry for myself, its a natural human emotion sometimes, it is not a bad thing. No-one feeling will remain at all times, as Pancho said time heals, time changes us and how we look at things.
It's so true...
Moods change all the time. Nothing stays the same. Anxiety always tries to convince you that it is here to stay, and also robs you of the memory of good days. It's a tricky monster.
I was getting into the habit of letting myself feel sorry for myself and then despairing, feeling it's not fair and all of that. It seemed to bring a little relief, but it's only temporary relief and it only builds more bad memories. Your world shrinks a little.
And yes, it must be hard for our families. I know when I was well, and I had a good 7 years of feeling OK up until this year, I would even have said, just don't worry about it, what's the big deal? You do forget what it was like! I remember now!
There has been no tears today , and that may account for a day of almost constant anxiety, although the waves do come and go..... I am surfing at the moment...LOL
Another day done..... Onwards.... Listen to me!
Phil
Woke up this morning with really high anxiety. It was disappointing and I reacted badly to it. Got really down.
It seems when I get determined to deal with the anxiety in a better,calmer way,MIT seems to come on stronger and I inevitably fail.
Bad start to the day!
Phil
Your anxiety still lives in you, possibly just as strongly and perhaps for a number of days or weeks depending on how ingrained it is. It's like a nuisance tennant you have evicted but you've given him a long time to pack.
Whether you have high anxiety or not, you're still fit and healthy, you can be happy, you can carry on as normal. Don't let it make you say "perhaps it does need something else doing to get rid of it...maybe it is more..."
Pancho,
That seems to be the overwhelming feeling I have... The need to do something.
I know when I have a good day I don't feel this way.
But when I feel down and anxiuos, it feels like something is very wrong. I get this urge to do something about my situation.
I have a good marriage, good family etc etc. Yet if feels like I am going to spoil it all with my ranting.
Just how do you resist this urge to scream out that I don't think I can cope with it.
I managed to stay on top of it yesterday, but feel sick with it today and cannot see a way out.
There is nothing I can do, and every thought gets me to a dead end, yet it seems I cannot drop the subject in my mind.
This leads to despair.... I want to go to hospital, or just lock myself away. This then leads to thoughts of how would I ever face anyone again.... It would ruin everything.
Then I get to the point where I see that this is all a waste of time... Just need to take a deep breath and carry on... Then the symptoms seem to escalate and I get back into despair.
Sorry this is all bad this morning. I just get really stuck in a bad place.
Phil.
Hi Phil
You have trained your brain to feel like you do and it is stuck in the anxiety loop!
For example my little dog is 9 years old, she had a basic 6 days training when she was a pup, sit, fetch etc, she has never forgotten that.
I know exactly how you feel as I have been the same in the past and still have blips, but I constantly try and learn from these and rewire the old grey matter if I can.
Your poor mind needs a rest hun. When you feel hopeless etc you have trained your brain to act in a certain way anxiety, panic, doom etc, it's only doing what you have trained it to do.
I am sorry if my post is confusing I hope it helps a little. You need to give your mind a rest, at the moment it's had so much work to do.
Luv & hugs
Jackie x
TooMuchToLiveFor
31-12-13, 14:20
"It's like a nuisance tennant you have evicted but you've given him a long time to pack."
Great analogy!
I just wanted to say Hi Phil :). Sorry I don't have any great wise words to offer really.
The only thing that came to my mind is that someone recently said to me about a third of people with mental health problems will recover completely within a short time (year?), a third will have recurrent bouts of illness over their lifetime and a third will have a kind of chronic ongoing problem.
I think I fit in to that last group of people who have ongoing anxiety and depression (starting in my teenage years), and as such I have learned it is important to try NOT to fixate on the 'why me' type of thoughts because it simply leads to rumination and despair. It is much easier said than done though.
I think the self-pity is part of depression and you should try not to beat yourself up about it, but nevertheless try not to indulge it either.
It sounds like you are using exercise and distraction to manage the best you can at the moment. I remember you started (and stopped) citalopram about the same times I tried it, but are you getting any counselling or medical support at the moment?
Hi Yenool,
Yes I am half way through 1-1 CBT, although there is a 3 week break at the moment. I also decided to try a non SSRI medication and have been on it for 10 days or so. It is Mertazapine and seems much more gentle than Cit.
I think I may be going through a bit if a down period for several reasons... The Xmas period, the bad weather, starting on medication, and some really negative thinking.
The reason I posted a new thread was I seemed to be breaking down as a means of reducing the symptoms. But it is a temporary fix, and is becoming a habit, and is exhausting.
I need to get back to one day, or I hour at a time... Start disbelieving my thoughts...especially the one about never recovering.
Hope you are good...
Phil
Going back to your original post, phil, you make some points that really ring true with me.
Where you say "at my age I do feel it's time I grew up" - yes I relate to that. But really, it's hard isn't it? Saying that to ourselves it's like we are trying to kick start ourselves into action..... but it doesn't always work does it?
You need to be kind to yourself instead but that is so difficult isn't it? Would your parents have provided that kindness to you do you think? I totally relate to why you'd miss them & regardless of your age (or when you parents departed this world) you will miss them & are entitled to feel that way. Sometimes you are best off going with the flow and if you need to "withdraw and sob" .... you go and do it my friend. Letting the feelings out is best. It's taken me all of my 50 years to realise that but generally speaking if I do let my emotions out, even if for a while I feel rather raw, it does help. Coz if you dont, then they build & build and that is not good for you.
You are processing emotions here and yes that is very energy sapping. But dont be tempted to try and "call an end" to your emotions. For my money yes, it may well be a cry for help but dont label yourself with "self pity". It isnt that at all, you are a human & humans experience emotions. Anyone and everyone has these emotions no matter who or what we are. They are natural & releasing them is natural too. It doesnt make you any less of a person to cry, in fact it makes you more of a person.
I have tried hiding from my partner how upset I feel sometimes (my mother isnt well & wont be getting better so it's a very emotional time) but what I have found is I have to keep talking to her. Even if that makes me cry & I need support & hugs. Your wife needs to know how you feel because they she can support you. keep talking.
Phil, you DO have courage in your life. You are courageous and you believe that.
Thanks Tessar,
I accept much of what you say, but I have reached a point where as soon as I feel the anxiety start to well up in my body, I feel the need to release it with crying. It has happened a lot over the past week. It's almost like I have zero tolerance now.
The state I find myself in is getting me very confused. I try and accept, then let the emotions come, then feel defeated, and so on.
I somehow need to take a step back from my thoughts and also resist judging how I am by how I feel or I am going to fall further into depression.
I am on a roller coaster at the moment, and I have a real need to take a break. This doesn't mean I want to lock myself away, just do normal things and accept that I might not feel all that great at the moment. But the most important part is not believing my thoughts which are all about what might happen in the future.
If I am honest, at the moment, my anxiety is really frightening me. I know from all I have learned that it cannot harm me, and there is no danger, but I am not really believing at the moment. It feels very dangerous and threatening. It comes on very quickly and although it is not panic attacks it robs me of the feeling that I can cope. It is convincing me that I will fail and will let everyone down.
Phil
Hello Phil. I wondered how you are doing now a couple of weeks down the line?
Having emotions springing up all the time does get very confusing.
Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing in trying to deal with them.
How did you get on with take a step back from your thoughts? Also i'm interested to know if you were able to resist judging how you are by how you feel (& also worrying about falling further into depression).
These are natural fears & ones I have experienced too. Had I not been through therapy a few years ago, I'd really be fearing deep depression at the moment. But I know how it works. It does drag you down. Then you feel more up. Then something happens to batter you down again. It is like a fight but believe me you stick at it because like all of us here - first off you are worth it and second you CAN win the fight.
I doubt very much that you will fail and I also doubt that you'd ever let anyone down. That is your depression talking - you remember that. You sound like a pretty decent person to me, Phil, don't forget that!
x
Hi Tessar
I think the Mertazapine I am taking (4 weeks now) is starting to have some effect. I am still struggling with the drowsiness but I feel less prone to crying now. I would prefer not to be on meds but the side effects are not as bad as SSRIs.
I am understanding that anxiety is much more than just a physical thing. It also hijacks your mind and this is the hard part for me. I still find that I wake with a mind which is convinced that something awful is about to happen. I find myself trying to find the source of the worry, like some demand is going to be put on me, and I won't be able to cope. The practice for me is to remember that this is just my anxious mind talking and it is not delivering any truthful message. It is so hard to ignore though and I need to stop fighting with it. If I can believe that I can leave it be, and this state will pass if I don't get drawn into the thoughts then it will become less significant. It is hard because you are feeling it, and it is fearful. My mind has a load of fearful stories it tells me. It feels so necessary to try and find answers but I think there are none to find.
My CBT training encourages my to identify the triggering thoughts, but I find this almost impossible. I think it is just waking and remembering my anxiety, as simple as that. There are then a load of thoughts that follow, and these I do need to challenge. I also really do judge anxiety as a bad thing, and do believe it is all my fault. I am sure I need to challenge these beliefs aswell.
However, I have had some good periods lately, and when they come along, my anxious mind stops and I see the truth. I am me again. It feels so good.
Phil
You understand it Phil and that's good, putting it into practise is just another small step now.
I think you need less of a "let's see what will happen" attitude and more of a "BRING IT ON BITCHEZZZZ" attitude.
If you can wake and your first thought is BRING IT ON or LET'S HAVE YA you may stimulate a thought passage for the day.
Also I've probably mentioned mindfulness before or you've at least heard of it or tried it, but really noticing what you are doing when you wake up in the morning. Get straight up, don't even lie in bed for a moment, you've got the rest of your life for a nice lie in, stretch out, notice everything, feel your feet as you walk, feel the sensation of brushing your teeth...
For me, all sensory input feels like good fuel for my body, you may discover the same.
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