iamred
31-12-13, 04:43
I'm writing because.. well.. I can't sleep. Again.
Most nights I have to drug myself pretty heavily in order to get sleep. Otherwise I just lay in bed for as long as I can.. I don't fall asleep despite trying to relax.. and then I start to feel panicked and alone.. and then I'm up the rest of the night.
I didn't sleep last night either. My husband took me to the hospital because this is becoming a regular thing with me.. I wont sleep for days.. and I start to feel like hurting myself because I'm so angry.
At the hospital.. they.. the one man was very nice and offered a few solutions.. like maybe a sleep clinic.. but then the doctor came in and.. she told me husband to leave the room.. then spoke down to me like I was a child who'd done something wrong.
She told me I should be going to the gym more often. She said I should quit my call centre job and try something else. She told me I need to pick myself up.. she can't help me unless I allow her.
I'm.. well.. I'm never going back to a hospital again.. I can tell you that much.
I know I need to see a counselor.. I know I probably need anti-depressants again.. but when I was on them before they.. made me feel worse. I'm scared to go back.
All I have right now are over the counter sleeping aids.. I've taken the last of my prescription sleeping pills and wont be able to go and get more till Friday.
I use benedryl.. I use ZZZquil and gravol and drink regular nyquil. Some nights I get to sleep ok.. but last night I couldn't. I had two benedryl, a zzzquil AND a cup of nyquil.. and I still could not sleep.
Sleeping is my biggest problem right now.. but I also get extreme panic attacks at random.. from nowhere. I can never figure out their cause. The 'small' ones last about 45 minutes to an hour.. the big, scary ones last much longer and are more intense. I feel like my eyes are being sucked into my head.. I'm tense and twitching and I feel like my mind is going to explode. My hands and feel go tingly.. and I reach a point where I just can't talk. I have to put all my energy into remembering to breathe.
It's.. terrible.. and it's really starting to take control of my life. I just started a new, high-stress job.. and I need to do good so we can save to buy a new car and pay off debts.
I'm so wiped out right now.. I didn't sleep at all last night.. I think I slept for an hour on my husbands shoulder at the hospital... and now nighttime is here again and.. I can't sleep.
I'm sorry.. I'm whining about me.. I.. I don't want to talk to a counsellor because they're getting paid to listen to me whine. I don't like feeling like they might not like me behind their 'professional mask'.. like the doctor at the hospital. I don't want anyone to talk down to me..
I don't want to feel like this is my fault.. I didn't ask for this. I had a hell of a bad past.. but that's all behind me now. Why can't I forget it? And why.. why can't I just relax.. and enjoy my life now..? My husband loves me. He treats me like a precious jewel. No one has ever been so good to me.. but deep inside I feel like he deserves better. I'm just.. keeping him from being happy.
I'm sorry.. well... that's my intro.. hi. My name is Angel.
Most nights I have to drug myself pretty heavily in order to get sleep. Otherwise I just lay in bed for as long as I can.. I don't fall asleep despite trying to relax.. and then I start to feel panicked and alone.. and then I'm up the rest of the night.
I didn't sleep last night either. My husband took me to the hospital because this is becoming a regular thing with me.. I wont sleep for days.. and I start to feel like hurting myself because I'm so angry.
At the hospital.. they.. the one man was very nice and offered a few solutions.. like maybe a sleep clinic.. but then the doctor came in and.. she told me husband to leave the room.. then spoke down to me like I was a child who'd done something wrong.
She told me I should be going to the gym more often. She said I should quit my call centre job and try something else. She told me I need to pick myself up.. she can't help me unless I allow her.
I'm.. well.. I'm never going back to a hospital again.. I can tell you that much.
I know I need to see a counselor.. I know I probably need anti-depressants again.. but when I was on them before they.. made me feel worse. I'm scared to go back.
All I have right now are over the counter sleeping aids.. I've taken the last of my prescription sleeping pills and wont be able to go and get more till Friday.
I use benedryl.. I use ZZZquil and gravol and drink regular nyquil. Some nights I get to sleep ok.. but last night I couldn't. I had two benedryl, a zzzquil AND a cup of nyquil.. and I still could not sleep.
Sleeping is my biggest problem right now.. but I also get extreme panic attacks at random.. from nowhere. I can never figure out their cause. The 'small' ones last about 45 minutes to an hour.. the big, scary ones last much longer and are more intense. I feel like my eyes are being sucked into my head.. I'm tense and twitching and I feel like my mind is going to explode. My hands and feel go tingly.. and I reach a point where I just can't talk. I have to put all my energy into remembering to breathe.
It's.. terrible.. and it's really starting to take control of my life. I just started a new, high-stress job.. and I need to do good so we can save to buy a new car and pay off debts.
I'm so wiped out right now.. I didn't sleep at all last night.. I think I slept for an hour on my husbands shoulder at the hospital... and now nighttime is here again and.. I can't sleep.
I'm sorry.. I'm whining about me.. I.. I don't want to talk to a counsellor because they're getting paid to listen to me whine. I don't like feeling like they might not like me behind their 'professional mask'.. like the doctor at the hospital. I don't want anyone to talk down to me..
I don't want to feel like this is my fault.. I didn't ask for this. I had a hell of a bad past.. but that's all behind me now. Why can't I forget it? And why.. why can't I just relax.. and enjoy my life now..? My husband loves me. He treats me like a precious jewel. No one has ever been so good to me.. but deep inside I feel like he deserves better. I'm just.. keeping him from being happy.
I'm sorry.. well... that's my intro.. hi. My name is Angel.