View Full Version : Cuss, Cuss, Cuss
TooMuchToLiveFor
01-01-14, 22:04
Hey All,
Just posting a bit of a vent- yesterday had the best day I've had since beginning of November,...and today I feel the "panic" creeping up from my stomach, into my arms, up my neck, and into my face and brain.
I KNOW what it is.....I understand and accept everything about the adrenaline....my sympathetic nervous symptoms, etc. I know I have nothing to fear, but fear itself. I know I have only been on Sertraline for seven weeks (and only four weeks at 100mg). I know there will be ups and downs.
I just got a taste of freedom yesterday. I got a full day with myself- the me I used to be. And, it makes it a little harder to be patient today.
Thanks for listening.
The beauty of that post is the rationality and the defiance against the beast. Often times I say you have to fight. This is what I mean.
You'll do it. You have the right attitude :)
Positive thoughts
TooMuchToLiveFor
02-01-14, 00:41
Ahhhhh...thank you, Fishmanpa. I told myself my post was truly a vent, and I didn't need any reassurance, but.....your encouragement gave me a real boost! I really appreciate it so much!
Looking forward to taking on tomorrow!
Too Much, dragons that are banished will often try to flee their chains. With each rational moment, you are tightening their chains. Great job! Hard fought and fairly won!
TooMuchToLiveFor
02-01-14, 02:16
Oh, Tanner, you are speaking my language! I love it! thank you!!
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 13:59
Still cussing....., but making myself do the things that I know will push me forward in recovery. Feel those sabotaging thoughts of self pity and fear scratching around, trying to force their way in....., but I know what they look like and I won't be fooled. I am fighting them off with as much ninja skill as I can master.
If I let today waste away- who knows how many more days that will prolong me getting to the land of "Recovered."
Come, on, Girl.....you will be okay. You ARE okay. No tears.....let's go.
Still cussing....., but making myself do the things that I know will push me forward in recovery. Feel those sabotaging thoughts of self pity and fear scratching around, trying to force their way in....., but I know what they look like and I won't be fooled. I am fighting them off with as much ninja skill as I can master.
If I let today waste away- who knows how many more days that will prolong me getting to the land of "Recovered."
Come, on, Girl.....you will be okay. You ARE okay. No tears.....let's go.
why not let the tears flow.....let it out you might feel relieved from this.When i was in hospital i am not ashamed to say when I thought of my little girl I cried like a baby.It cleans you soul
Chin up TMT you will find strength from within :hugs:
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 14:28
Thank you, MrA.....your post has the tears flowing. I am sitting here holding my baby girl who just turned 5 months yesterday, and sitting next to my beautiful, four year old boy. I just so much want to be whole again.
I just so much want to be whole again.
and you will be in good time
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 14:38
We both will be.
:hugs:
cymraig_chris
03-01-14, 18:41
There is no beast. Adrenaline is adrenaline, it is interpreted by everyone differently, some hate it, some tolerate it, some love it.
Whatever your relationship with adrenaline, it is perfectly safe.
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 19:53
I know that it is perfectly safe....., but it just FEELS so awful. Am I just weak because I still feel so miserable with the terrible feelings?
I know that it is perfectly safe....., but it just FEELS so awful. Am I just weak because I still feel so miserable with the terrible feelings?
Think about this rationally ,you've increased your sert dosage which will have side effects and you are also reducing Xanax
I would carry on with a low dose of Xanax until your side effects settle ,it's there to help don't try and do to much to soon.in a few days time you will be feeling better :)
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 20:50
Great (adrenaline filled) minds think alike.....LOL. About two hours ago I took a .25. I didn't want to do it, but I knew that was my pride. Pride and the fact that I am trying to just go about my day as if I don't have anxiety, so that my nervous system will see me doing that and calm down. Might have gotten ahead of myself just a bit. Sadly, it has only helped a very, little bit, but evening is coming and I tend to do a little better at night.
Do you think I am still dealing with side effects? I have been at 100 for four weeks now.....I feel like I still have side effects, but my GP thinks it is actually just the physical symptoms of my anxiety that are still raging.
I think like me it's early days for you and sert,we both know it takes time for the drug to work and for us to also calm down naturally.I bet you will feel better in the morning after a good nights sleep,try not to count the days but go back to taking one day at a time that's what I'm doing
hey there, Too Much. Sounds like you're doing just fine. There are times when that dragonnis going tompoke her head out to play. Just know that's normal and you will win the battle. Just keep thinking rational thoughts. You're going to get there.
TooMuchToLiveFor
04-01-14, 14:41
Hey MrA, good to see you....and thanks for checking in. :)
I am trying very hard to be positive, so I am going to word this carefully.......My physical symptoms are in an uproar today- yesterday and today seem to be getting increasingly more and more intense, but I managed to sleep to 5am before it hit, so that is a plus. I have gotten my little boy and my baby fed. I am mustering up to put away the rest of our Christmas decor.
(Okay, honestly, I am clinging to rational thoughts and positivity with all the sheer will power I can gather right now, and it doesn't feel like much.)
How are you today? (Tonight? --I am not sure the time difference between you and me.)
Hi TooMuch,
Just reading your posts and really identify with your thoughts and feelings. I am 8 weeks into increased dose of citalopram and had 2 weeks feeling almost human then bam all symptoms return and trying desperately to reign them in, be positive and know it will come good in the end.
You are doing brilliantly with your young family, I can't imagine how you cope! Having said that I think looking back I had anxiety/depression when my son was born but didn't realise at the time.
I am due back at work Monday after few months off and think it's the cause of this blip even though I love my job.
I had to give in yesterday and take 2mg diazepam which I didn't really want to but was in such state.
Let's try and get through it together!
Mermaid
I'm ok Tmt , I agree with mermaid your doing really we juggling l those balls it can't be easy
Try and find some relaxing time for yourself
Too Much,
I've been following your thread and I agree with the others that you're doing very well. The "dragon" is a cunning beast... remember that! He's going to take advantage of any chink in the armor he sees. Certainly there are side effects you may be feeling and I've learned that the dragon, will breathe fire unknowing to you just to get a reaction.
You seem to be totally aware of that. Let him know you're onto his game and see what he does. I bet he'll slink back to his cave and leave you alone for a while ;)
Positive thoughts
TooMuchToLiveFor
04-01-14, 21:04
Mermaid (love your name :) ), thank you so much for the sweet words of encouragement! Yes, let's get through this together, and then soon- hopefully, VERY soon, we will be here celebrating, and encouraging others with our success stories of wholeness, peace, and health restored! Who knows? Maybe we will even be healthier than we ever have been!
Mr.A, I always look forward to seeing your posts- think partly due to the fact when I first started this journey and joined this site- your posts were some of the first and most helpful that I ran across.
Fishmanpa, I definitely stalk your posts! Your no nonsense wisdom combined with caring warmth makes you such an asset here. Because of that respect I hold for you, your words of empowerment did just that- they empowered me. I had to fight (pretty hard) for it, but I got up and got all of our Christmas decor put away! AND,...now I am feeling well enough to sit with my husband and two kiddos to watch our city's Chiefs (football) play in the playoffs. :yesyes:
Oh dear have woken up with all the vile anxiety symptoms again. I am back to work tomorrow after 8 weeks off so I know why it's building up.
TooMuch, all the symptoms you describe in other threads and posts I've got today despite many much better days over last few weeks.
Am trying to get on with things but know tomorrow morning will be the same if not worse! My dragon is well and truly loving it!
I take small dose diazepam now and again and wondering if I should today and possibly in the morning although have never taken it when working before.
No doubt later the dragon will rest and I will feel calmer anyway.
How is everyone else today?
Mermaid
Fishmanpa, I definitely stalk your posts! Your no nonsense wisdom combined with caring warmth makes you such an asset here. Because of that respect I hold for you, your words of empowerment did just that- they empowered me. I had to fight (pretty hard) for it, but I got up and got all of our Christmas decor put away! AND,...now I am feeling well enough to sit with my husband and two kiddos to watch our city's Chiefs (football) play in the playoffs. :yesyes:
Thanks Too Much... Your city's Chiefs and the team I root for "Eagles" (I'm originally from the Philly/S Jersey area)... both had heart breaking losses yesterday :( Talk about having anxiety! My heart was in my throat watching both games! ~lol~ BUT... we should both be proud of their accomplishments this year. Having been the Eagles coach for 14 years, I like Andy Reid and was please to see him have the success he had this year. He'll be very good for the Chiefs.
Positive thoughts
TooMuchToLiveFor
07-01-14, 02:58
I am better.
I find myself wanting to say "I think I might be starting to get better overall, but I am still so bad that I can't stand living like this....."......, but there is just way too much junk in that statement. The truth is- that I am better. Better than my wonderful day last Tuesday? No, but that isn't what I'm grading against. Better than when I couldn't leave my chair for four weeks, let alone my house? Definitely. Better than when I had to take 2.5mg of Xanax a day just to try to cling to my sanity? Definitely- I had a .25 12 hours ago and that was all today.
I AM BETTER.
Mermaid- so happy you made it through your first day of work! Well done, you!
Fishmanpa- I was tickled to read about your following of the football games! Yes, a very heartbreaking game, but my son's name is Colt- so he was okay with the "Colt's" winning. :winks:
Mr.Andy- Thank you so much for checking on me. :) How are you doing? Do you feel like you are leveling out from the start up effects? Are you at your therapeutic dose, or will you need to bump again after awhile?
TooMuchToLiveFor
07-01-14, 15:16
Scccrrreeeeaaaammmmm!!!!!! I HATE THESE BLASTED FEELINGS THAT I AM GIVEN EVERY SINGLE DAY!
....I want to be so much "stronger." I want to be able to "float above them"- blah, blah, blah.
I am better. I am better. I am better.
Baby has been fed, changed, and is being cuddled as her little teething mouth is paining her.
Little boy has been cuddled, fed, dressed, lunch packed, and is off to pre-school. I am happy for him that he will have a fun day, but I hate the thought that he isn't here for the next five hours.
Made it through all that while feeling like I was going to vomit and trying to think about the great cardio workout my heart was getting as it pounded through my chest because I was doing such a strenuous task as stirring porridge.
Now what?
I guess keep fighting to try to accomplish mundane chores. Somehow this will help me beat this illness. Right? Isn't that what I keep reading? Acceptance is the answer. Even though I know this- I'm pissed at acceptance.
Hmmm.....is this self-pity or depression that I am spewing out? Maybe a little of both? Maybe it is just a perfectly "acceptable" reaction of anger that I am dealing with something that is so "unfair." Of course, fairness isn't promised in this life. I guess in that regard it is just as fair that I am suffering with this dreadful disorder as much as anyone else.
If anyone is actually spending precious moments of their own time to read this- I am sorry for how indulgent I am being. I just don't have the capacity to filter right now.... but I don't think these thoughts are particularly irrational. They are just brutally, honest emotions- and I had to let them fly.
Good Morning Too Much! You are better! You are better! You are better! It all takes so much practice on a daily basis. Look at everything that you have accomplished today, all with a Dragon clinging to your ankles. You are making great strides. A bit of depression is normal as we recover. We get used to having better days and it can be discouraging to face those down days, to have to face acceptance on a daily basis.
And venting is important. the more that I bottle feelings up inside myself, the worse my anxiety and depression can become. Vent away! It's all good.
Hi TMT keep inching forward the small steps will,all add up
I am remarkably better at 21 days on the tabs,so much better Its kind of freaking me out like there is something not right,o the irony :D
TooMuchToLiveFor
07-01-14, 17:03
Hello, dear friends, Tanner and Mr.A-- I was so hoping you might have stopped by! :)
Tanner- applauding you for setting some boundaries for yourself tonight (read on another thread)! You are truly showing such strength- making healthy decisions for yourself, while at the same time giving of yourself to your hard family situations! I know many are being inspired by you! Loved what you said about the "dragon clinging to my ankles." For some reason that word picture really made me see the dragon as more of an annoyance as I try to move through this morning instead of such a fierce and "in-my-face" adversary that might be able to overtake me at any minute.
Mr.A- I am so full of joy for you!!! Oh, I am truly so happy to hear that you are remarkably better! This has made me smile!
Hello, dear friends, Tanner and Mr.A-- I was so hoping you might have stopped by! :)
Tanner- applauding you for setting some boundaries for yourself tonight (read on another thread)! You are truly showing such strength- making healthy decisions for yourself, while at the same time giving of yourself to your hard family situations! I know many are being inspired by you! Loved what you said about the "dragon clinging to my ankles." For some reason that word picture really made me see the dragon as more of an annoyance as I try to move through this morning instead of such a fierce and "in-my-face" adversary that might be able to overtake me at any minute.
Mr.A- I am so full of joy for you!!! Oh, I am truly so happy to hear that you are remarkably better! This has made me smile!
It's like a dark cloak has been lifted off me but I'm still nervous about the future
How is the weather over there I've heard on the news it's very cold
TooMuchToLiveFor
07-01-14, 17:21
Mr.A-
I would think the nervousness about the future would be the very last thing to go. I am already nervous about the future.....and I am still in the weeds!
It has been brutally cold- I don't know what the temperature would translate to in Celsius, but Fahrenheit yesterday our temp was -8 and our windchill was -30!!! Bitterly cold. Today is a bit better. I definitely am ready for spring!
-30 bugger that for a laugh !
Try and get some more of that relaxation in again today,it's good news you don't need as much Xanax.Hopefully your meds will kick in soon
TooMuchToLiveFor
07-01-14, 17:47
Thank you, my dear. :)
- 20 degrees here with the windchill. Crazy cold. I just want a warm, sunny beach where I can go fishing. Now that would be relaxing.
TooMuchToLiveFor
07-01-14, 22:12
What state are you in, Tanner? I'm in Kansas.....
Not in Kansas, Dorothy. Nor in the land of Oz. Kentucky, the beautiful and cold, bluegrass state. It's generally not this cold here. Way too cold for me. My old job caused me to travel a lot. I lived in Atlanta and Texas for 12 of the last 16 years. I'm not used to these frigid temperatures anymore.
TooMuchToLiveFor
07-01-14, 22:35
I knew I'd get some "Wizard of Oz" replies! Lol!
Kansas, Kentucky..... The beautiful Shenandoah Valley and Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia here :) And Brrrr cold too!
All you folks worried about aches, pains and twitches, try dealing with cold like this! You won't feel the twitches because you'll be shivering! Your aches and pains would be frozen! ~lol~ Thank goodness it's supposed to warm up by the weekend!
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