This is me

[Worrier13]

So hello. I'm 20 years and live on the polar circle in Sweden but I was born in Gothenburg. I've always been a strong person and actually didn't believe in stuff like depression, I thought you could just 'stop on complaining and snap out of it'. So yeah I was stupid. These past 5 months have been the most horrible time of my life. But it all started with me constantly passing out about a year ago. Then other stuff came with it, like severe headache, loss of eyesight, numbness in the left side of my body, huge pupils etc. I was in the hospital like every other day and at last they took me in and two doctors told that this could really be a brain tumor. Then the anxiety hit..of course. At the end I could not get out of bed at all and just cried (and I usually never cry). I had to wait for my MRI for two months. And my results were clear! They only found a minor heartproblem. I'm so mad at my doctors for saying stuff about brain tumors, that really had an effect on my anxiety kicking in. And panic attacks. When they said it, I started to believe that I was going to die soon, and magically all the other symptoms of braincancer appeared. Well when I found out that I was physically healthy I was happy. But after a week I freaked out again because my symptoms just would not go away. It was a hard time accepting that I could really have mental problems. So to top it all off, I have been in a relationship for almost exactly 4 years now, I'm so in love but on new years eve (two days ago) I walked in on my partner being with another person and saying that this had been going on a while and just dumped me and said horrible things to me. I really feel like I don't wanna live anymore, that was the only person in my life I could talk to.. And we don't even have therapists here (such a small town..). Every morning I wake up with horrible anxiety and panic and derelization and weird feeling in my head. Feels like I don't want to live anymore. I'm sooo sorry that this post ended up so long :( From the bottom of my heart: Thank you so much for everyone who took the time to read this, it was hard to write stuff about my self, I'm usually so closed of.

[craigj1303]

Hi There Worrier!,

Sorry to hear about your recent problems, particularly the break up with your partner of 4 years. Have a good read of all the information available on this site, particularly regarding your symptoms of de-realisation and anxiety. You will soon realise that you are not going insane and that these are all harmless symptoms of anxiety brought on by your recent experiences.

You can then begin to move on with your life. You have the advantage of being so young and suffering with this a comparatively short amount of time to some who have suffered for many, many years before seeking help and advice.

Become knowledgeable about anxiety and panic and that will set you on the road to recovery.

Craig x

[Worrier13]

Thank you so much, even just knowing that I'll get support here helps me. I forgot to mention that recently I started to have serious suicidal thoughts and now I'm scared of myself. But I'l try to keep it together.

[Sparkle1984]

Welcome to the forums! I'm sure you'll find plenty of help and support here - I certainly have. :)

Is your doctor aware of the thoughts you've been getting recently? Also may I ask, what's your current status regarding medication?

[Paranoia]

I am sorry to hear about all you've been going through and I hope 2014 will be a better year for you. I can relate to alot of what you've been describing.

Also, hello from a fellow Swede :)

[Worrier13]

Hello and thank you! Yes I told my doctor about almost everything and he gave me Paxil. Well I took it for four day and I got a bit crazy. My pupils got huge, had awful out of body experiences etc but the worst was major depression. I'm aware that ssris usually make you feel worse first but it got so bad that I was afraid of being left alone since I felt I could really hurt myself. I could not understand my mind at all. So now I'm not on any medication. But I might see a therapist next week, there's a clinic 168km from here..

[Ikaeoph]

Hi there Worrier13, I hope you find plenty of support on this forum, and remember don't be scared to tell us your fears, we are all here for similar issues. Remember recovery is always possible and good luck :)