allalone
02-01-14, 14:28
Hi all
I am struggling with the thought that I am an evil and horrid person because of selfish and horrible thoughts I have had in the past. I have never done anything to hurt anybody and never would but for about the past year I haven't been able to stop torturing myself over thoughts I have had. I just want to be a nice, kind and thoughtful person. I don't want to think unkind things. The worst thing I am struggling with at the moment is my disappointment I had when my friend told me she was pregnant. She was my bridesmaid and I was annoyed because I'd already bought the dress and was stressing about her not fitting into it. When her pregnancy hormone levels went up I think I was disappointed then too. Of course I wouldn't have wanted her to lose the baby but that's what my mind is telling me :-( I can't get it out of my head. I can't really remember how I felt. I wanted her to get pregnant but after the wedding. I am a selfish person :-( I always feel envious of people too. I self harm and cry a lot. Often wishing I wasn't here. I have odd thoughts too 2.
I should be happy..I have a lovely family, husband and friends. I just worry an over think things constantly.
I've had some tough things to deal with in life (lots of family tragedy from an early age) which probably hasn't helped my worrying. I live in fear of my loved ones dying, esp my mum. She had cancer a few years ago and I worry about that coming back.
I want to do nice things for people because I want to be liked so again I am looking out for myself which makes me selfish. I've always been a jealous person too. Basically I am odd and horrible. Scared I am going to hell.
Help
I am struggling with the thought that I am an evil and horrid person because of selfish and horrible thoughts I have had in the past. I have never done anything to hurt anybody and never would but for about the past year I haven't been able to stop torturing myself over thoughts I have had. I just want to be a nice, kind and thoughtful person. I don't want to think unkind things. The worst thing I am struggling with at the moment is my disappointment I had when my friend told me she was pregnant. She was my bridesmaid and I was annoyed because I'd already bought the dress and was stressing about her not fitting into it. When her pregnancy hormone levels went up I think I was disappointed then too. Of course I wouldn't have wanted her to lose the baby but that's what my mind is telling me :-( I can't get it out of my head. I can't really remember how I felt. I wanted her to get pregnant but after the wedding. I am a selfish person :-( I always feel envious of people too. I self harm and cry a lot. Often wishing I wasn't here. I have odd thoughts too 2.
I should be happy..I have a lovely family, husband and friends. I just worry an over think things constantly.
I've had some tough things to deal with in life (lots of family tragedy from an early age) which probably hasn't helped my worrying. I live in fear of my loved ones dying, esp my mum. She had cancer a few years ago and I worry about that coming back.
I want to do nice things for people because I want to be liked so again I am looking out for myself which makes me selfish. I've always been a jealous person too. Basically I am odd and horrible. Scared I am going to hell.
Help