Me

[allalone]

Hi all
I am struggling with the thought that I am an evil and horrid person because of selfish and horrible thoughts I have had in the past. I have never done anything to hurt anybody and never would but for about the past year I haven't been able to stop torturing myself over thoughts I have had. I just want to be a nice, kind and thoughtful person. I don't want to think unkind things. The worst thing I am struggling with at the moment is my disappointment I had when my friend told me she was pregnant. She was my bridesmaid and I was annoyed because I'd already bought the dress and was stressing about her not fitting into it. When her pregnancy hormone levels went up I think I was disappointed then too. Of course I wouldn't have wanted her to lose the baby but that's what my mind is telling me :-( I can't get it out of my head. I can't really remember how I felt. I wanted her to get pregnant but after the wedding. I am a selfish person :-( I always feel envious of people too. I self harm and cry a lot. Often wishing I wasn't here. I have odd thoughts too 2.

I should be happy..I have a lovely family, husband and friends. I just worry an over think things constantly.
I've had some tough things to deal with in life (lots of family tragedy from an early age) which probably hasn't helped my worrying. I live in fear of my loved ones dying, esp my mum. She had cancer a few years ago and I worry about that coming back.
I want to do nice things for people because I want to be liked so again I am looking out for myself which makes me selfish. I've always been a jealous person too. Basically I am odd and horrible. Scared I am going to hell.
Help

[Sparkle1984]

Welcome to the forums! I'm sure you'll find plenty of help and support here - I certainly have. :)

The fact that you are so horrified by the thoughts proves that you don't really believe them. It sounds like OCD with thoughts, but I'm not a medical professional. Are you currently getting any professional support and medical help for this?

[Annie0904]

Hi :welcome:

[ray52]

:welcome: to the site your not alone here and I agree with sparkle

[allalone]

Thank you for your replies. I am currently waiting to see a therapist. Not sure if that will work though as it can't change my past thoughts and those are going to eat away at me. I actually wonder if me feeling this bad is a punishment for my selfish, horrible, weird thoughts. Where should I post for support? Thank you again.

[Annie0904]

I am sure you are not a horrible person. If you were you wouldn't be worrying about any bad thoughts would you? so the fact that you are concerned about those thoughts show that really you are a caring person.
You say you have had a lot of tragedies in the past...have you had any counselling for this? If not then I think your first step would be to visit your GP and ask to be referred for therapy.
You could also do something to help you to feel better about yourself and this may help http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

[Sparkle1984]

It's good that you'll be getting therapy soon. Do you feel like you need something to take the edge off the intrusive thoughts in the meantime? The articles under the Remedies section on the left hand side of the page will give you some ideas.

[allalone]

Thank you so much for your replies. I had a horrendous thought today. My friend's daughter was lying by me in.the car and I love her to bits then a thought entered my head that I could break her neck. What on earth is that about???? Where on earth did it come from??? :-( It is torturing me now. I would never ever do that. My thoughts are only thoughts but why am I thinking like this? :-( I just can't cope and wish I could just switch off.