View Full Version : What I Can Do And What I Can't Do
I need some help with my thinking process surrounding "what I can do and what I can't do.
Many of you have been following the story of my Dad's recent hospitalization with some form of spinal/bone cancer. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words and support.
I feel like I have hit a brick wall with fear. Short background. I love my Dad but have a contentious relationship since childhood. He can be charming, loving, yet mean and slightly abusive.
My younger brother is quite anti- social and extremely cynical and negative. I deal with him by not feeding fuel to his fire. If he knows that he got to me, he just digs in harder and goes for it big time.
My Dad is in a tremendous amount of pain which morphine and dilaudid is not really touching. He is confused. He has yelled and cussed, pushing and hitting nurses and myself. Until he was hospitalized, he had stayed with me for five or six days, with me taking care of him.
Since he was admitted to the hospital, my two brothers have alternated spending the night, for the last two nights. Tonight, it is supposed to be my turn.
I don't know if I can do this. Six to eight hours during the daytime with him leaves me drained and anxious. Today is the first day that my general anxiety level has remained high. My brain won't stop running in circles and I'm now afraid of the fear.
Afraid that the anxiety will get worse. Afraid that I won't be able to stop it. Afraid of the fear itself. I'm afraid that spending the night with him and not sleeping all night will make matters worse for me. Afraid that I'm not strong enough to deal with this entire situation. Afraid that I'm not pulling my fair share of the burden. Afraid that my brothers will get angry with me.
I want to know that I'm strong enough to spend the night with no sleep, as he is awake and agitated at all times, no matter the amount of pain medication. At 4:00 AM this morning, my brother fell asleep for 30 minutes and found him wandering the room, naked, after pulling out his IV and all other medical attachments.
I just want to know that I'm strong enough to do this without it pushing me over the edge. Yesterday, I was sure that I was. Not so confident today.
Tanner,
First off, your Dad in in a hospital. There are doctors and nurses to take care of him. You don't have to be there 24/7. Sleep, if you can get it, is your best ally right now.
Sitting there in the room while your Dad in suffering does no good for either of you. You're doing what you should be doing and what needs to be done. Don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You need to rest!
Positive thoughts
I agree with FMP ,please dont push yourself to hard you are no use to anybody if you breakdown. :hugs:
Thanks Fishmanpa, Mr Andy and Leslie. I totally agree with the both of you. Dad is in the hospital but my brothers and my sister in laws think that someone needs to be there 24/7. I know that nothing will happen that the hospital staff can't handle but my brothers are insistent that he can't stay by himself because the hospital staff will restrain him.
My other bother, the nice one, just begged me to spend the night with him. Heck, I guess I can leave his room and sleep in the waiting room if I need to.
Looks like I will be online a lot tonight.
Is there a reason the nurses didn't hear the alarms when he pulled off his IVs? It seems odd to me, given that most patient care isn't dependent on having somebody in the room 24/7 and there are plenty of other patients in distress or even dementia. Can you talk to the nurse on his floor to get his/her take on the need? It sounds like this might be a family demand rather than a medical one. You took care of your dad full-time before he went in the hospital, so you've already done 10 times, by my math, what either of your brothers have done. Tell 'em they can judge you once they've had him at their house for five days.
I can't promise you that your brothers won't be angry if you don't go, but you really can't live a life where the risk of somebody being angry with you is more important than your health. I know you don't feel at your strongest now so this isn't exactly the best time, but it can be really liberating to realize that somebody's anger doesn't mean you did wrong or have to change.
Good luck, Tanner. This feels hard because it is really, really hard, and you're doing amazingly.
Has the doctors determined how long he'll be in the hospital and what they are going to do for him?
MRS STRESS ED
02-01-14, 16:49
Tanner everyone is right you need to take care of yourself,and please dont feel guilty youve got nothing to feel bad about. I think everyone needs to help out take care god bless
TooMuchToLiveFor
02-01-14, 17:08
I think Althea's post is spot on. The whole thing.
If you do stay at the hospital tonight- know your NMP pals will be here to support you!
In addition to rest- make sure you are staying hydrated and nourished.
All of that fear is adrenaline. You know it. It feels awful, but even "normal" people would be feeling that adrenaline (anxiety) in your current situation. It is just scarier to you, because you are recalling how it feels when it spirals out of control.
Hang in there, Tanner. You are strong. You are okay.
We all wish we could do more...., but we are here for you! :bighug1:
Everyone else has given you great advice Tanner, I agree with them, you need to take care of yourself and allow the staff to take care of your Dad.
If you're staying in the hospital make sure you find somewhere you can actually get some sleep in. If you're losing sleep you probably won't feel the best, but you *will* be able to handle it. Taking a vitamin B complex in the mornings might help you feel a bit better during the day, something like Berocca if it's compatible with any meds you're on.
Thanks everyone. I absolutely agree that the staff should be able to deal with Mt dad. Unfortunately, we have now created a situation where someone is there 24\7 and when the alarms go off, the nurses don't rush in, as they know we are there. The squeaky wheel gets the oil so to speak, and this wheel isn't squeaky.
I will stay at the hospital tonight to keep the peace. I will find somewhere to get some sleep and let the staff deal with my Dad. I will let the staff know where they can find me if they need me.
I have packed a bag, filled with "healthy tools" and things to amuse myself. I need to have faith that I am strong enough to handle this. I will keep in touch. I have been re-reading Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. It is helping me to broaden my comfort zone today.
TooMuchToLiveFor
02-01-14, 18:18
Awesome attitude, Tanner! You are right- you are recovering more and more every minute as you walk through this day.
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 02:57
Hey Tanner-
Just wanted to pop in and leave you a message letting you know I have continued to have you on my heart, and have said several prayers today for you. I hope your night is as smooth as it can be considering all that is going on. Wishing you rest and peace in the midst of your circumstances.
Praying for you tonight Tanner!!
Thanks Too Much and Leslie. I'm at the hospital and all is well at the moment. I feel like I did some good things today to try and prepare for this night. All the prayers are much appreciated. I'm hoping for a quiet night although I have my doubts.
How are you feeling this morning Tanner?
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 13:15
Checking in to see how your night went, Tanner.
Hey Tanner,
Like the others, wondering how you're making out.
I know your history with your father is tumultuous but I want you to know that even that being said, cancer does crazy things to you. He will not be himself (as you know). Just know that it's the cancer doing that and it's not personal. When I was in the midst of my battle, I was definitely not "me". Poor Marcia was in tears several times due to my behavior. She has told me since of things I said or did and I truly have no recollection! Between the pain, the drugs and the mania of it all, it changes the patient in profound ways.
Hang in there!
Positive thoughts
How are you doing Tanner? How is your Dad this morning?
Good Morning all. Thanks for checking in on me this morning. The night went okay and I managed to get a few hours of sleep. There were a couple of tense moments but I just kep remembering, as Fishmanpa said, that it was the cancer talking. Brought back a few bad memories but nothing that I wasn't able to handle. My anxiety level never rose above what I would think to be normal for the occasion.
The biopsy report partially came back. It is definitely a malignant cancer, either a rare sarcoma called a chordoma or a metastasis. The problem is they can't find a primary site yet. They are waiting on some further culture to come back which will take another 48 hours.
I just got back home and am hoping that I can lay down and take a nap, although I'm not much of a daytime sleeper.
Thanks and love to everyone who has helped me the past week with this issue.
TooMuchToLiveFor
03-01-14, 16:54
Good job, Tanner!
I am so sorry to hear that the results are malignant, but praying there will be a treatment that will be able to take care of this.
Wishing you daytime sleep!
Glad you did well and the night went ok! :) I'm very sorry to read about the test results. I will keep your Dad in my prayers they are able to treat it and he can get on with his life. Please keep us posted on his progress and yours! :hugs:
So sorry to hear the news about your dads cancer Tanner. But I'm glad you got through the night ok, just take care of yourself now. Might be time to chat with your siblings about this 24/7 arrangement, it can't be good for any of you. X
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