It's come back again

[Rennie1989]

Despite will power and trying to improve my health I've lost it.

For a few weeks I've felt my mood just slowly and slowly drop. I blamed it on my impending move on the 25th January but I believe it is far more then that. Since my CBT I have discovered a lot about myself from realisations, and my recent one has been painful to realise.

Basically, as a child, my parents worked constantly. I have far more memories of my nan then my parents. Christmas was naff, one or both parents were either working and I was lumbered with a family member. Another thing is how my parents abandoned me during my bullying and panic attacks. I would tell people as a matter of fact and most people come back saying 'Really, they did nothing?' and it hurts, a lot. I took myself to the doctors when I was 17/18, even though I had panic attacks since I was 13. And it's not just that, the holidays we went on they spent all their time sunbathing, only my extended family took me out on day trips, weekends were spent at home because parents were too tired and I was made to do housework to earn my pocket money whilst my brother earned just the same by sitting on his backside playing on his xbox. Even the memory of my dad telling me 'You're not clever enough to be a doctor' still pains me a lot and how he tells people I was a difficult teenager, which I certainly wasn't.

I get intensely jealous when I see and hear happy families, even my own in laws. I watched a video of my husband when he was four and his baby sister, they looked so happy. There was another one where he and his two brothers were playing football. I don't know what my baby videos are of, I haven't watch one in ages, well, over 10 years at least. His mum always talks about taking them out as kids, how she helped them with their school work all throughout their education (which mine did not) and how involved they got with extra curricular activities that they loved. The activities I did were what my parents wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do.

I really hate myself right now. On Christmas Eve I noticed a significant drop. We went to a pub for a drink and I just did not want to be around so many people. On Christmas Day it dropped again. Not only did I spill coke all over me but, whilst I appreciate our presents, all of our presents were jointly for me and him but the vast majority of the presents were chocolates, niche jars of whatever and things that my husband asked for. It really got me down, but I feel stupid for letting it. So what if I don't eat chocolate, it's the thought that counts. Boxing Day was hard again, we went back to his parents where I let out a freudian slip about the Chinese, when a family friend who is Chinese sat opposite me. OMG I felt like an incredible idiot!!!

Tomorrow my husband and I are celebrating his birthday with drinks at where ever, Monday is his actual birthday where we go over to his parents. I just can't do it. I haven't got the energy, I just really do not want to be around people and having to pretend that I am OK, because I'm really not. But I want him to be happy and feel special, like he did on mine. I just feel awful because I could not plan anything like he did for mine and I won't be able to do my best on the day. He doesn't deserve that.

I cannot tell him yet how I feel because I don't want it to ruin his birthday, I don't want it being ruined because of me but I can see that being the case. I refuse to let this thing stop me, I try with all my strength to not lie in bed late and be active but it's so hard, it's like going against a resistance.

Sorry for the wall of text, I needed to rant to people who understand.

[MrAndy]

Rennie sorry to hear you are having a hard time,the build up to Christmas makes it hard for anxiety/depression sufferers ,i didnt realy enjoy it this year.Now i am back at work even though im struggling with it I feel more at ease back into a routine.
Cant you work out a compromise for your other halfs birthday plans ?

[theharvestmouse]

Sorry to hear about this Rennie, maybe have some time alone while you need it. This time of year is difficult for a lot of people, you're not alone in finding it tough.

[Annie0904]

Rennie I read your post at lunch time and didn't have time to reply then. I have been thinking about it this afternoon. A lot of what you have written, I can relate to. I was dwelling a lot on things that happened in my past and how it has affected me. I mentioned to one of my sons about trying to forget and move on from the past. He said "You don't need to forget it, you just need to use the negatives to make a more positive future.
I have thought a lot about this and I know that some of the negatives in my past have actually helped me to be a better parent to my own children. I never compare them to each other as I know how that hurt me (never being as good at things as my sister...or so I was told). Being there for my children when they need me. I am now starting to think of my past as a learning experience for me to a build a better future.
You have done well to write down all that you are feeling at the moment. As you probably know, January is the most depressing month of the year anyway, so even worse for us. You may not feel like it right now but you are a strong person, I have seen that strength in your posts and you will get through this.
Try to treat yourself to something special just for you this month. Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs:

[Blondiegirl1]

Rennie, so sorry to hear you are having a heard time, for I am also @ this current time The holidays are really heard for me. I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for a few years now. It is nice to talk to people that know what I'm going thru and who understands the pain of this disorder. My family just thinks that I can snap out of it but you just can't. I too did not have much of a child hood. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom worked a lot trying to make ends met. Their was 5 of us siblings and I remember me having to take care of them for I was the oldest. I remember my mom and dad fighting a lot for my dad would go into bars a lot and not come home. Anxiety never goes away you learn just to deal with it. Take care Rennie.

[Tanner40]

Rennie, so sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. You know that this is a time limited event and that you are going to feel better. It is always difficult to have a realization or memories that are hurtful from our childhoods. I have a boat load of them. I, often, find myself jealous of people that had what I consider a more idyllic childhood than my own. It is difficult to deal with the memories. One thing that helps me is to try and figure out what positive trait that I gained bynhaving to endure a particular problem or event.

I'm sure that you're husband knows how much you love him and want his birthday to be nice. You will be able to do things on a daily basis that make his daily life better. Something that others may not be able to do.
Cut yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself. We all have a blip now and again. You're allowed one too. You've helped countless people on NMP and and now it's time to listen to your own words of rational thought. You're going to be just fine.

[Rennie1989]

Thank you very much for the kind messages.

I think our night out tonight has been cancelled. Husband went out with a friend last night and is still in bed recovering from a hangover and is probably in no state to go out. I feel relieved but in a bad way, because I can just sit at home and do nothing.

I will remain strong. Despite feeling like weighing like lead and barely being able to focus I am still going. I'm still going to work and doing the housework, only because I know that as soon as I slow down everything gets tougher to do.

[Kim51]

Hi Rennie sorry to hear you are not feeling so great at the moment, I hope you soon feel brighter as you are such an inspiration to others including myself. It seems so many of us are struggling at the moment. Love and best wishes :bighug1:

[dally]

Hi Rennie
This time of year causes extra stress for some of us.
For others it's just how we are feeling. Nothing to do with Xmas.
It's hard to paint a smile on and 'act' jolly.
I understand how you do want to make your husbands birthday a good one.
I laughed at the fact that HE was the one to be the cause of cancelling his birthday do with his parents cos of HIS hangover.
I've lost count if the number of times, I've spent all day thinking up excuses/reasons for evading some outing and in the end other people have cancelled on ME!!!! Lol
Low moods tend to come in cycles. Hope you feel lighter soon. Xx

[Magic]

Sending you hugs Rennie:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Take care xxxx

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Hey Rennie,
I was just thinking about you, and wondered how you were doing?

[rockydog]

This time of year seems to affect many of us. Mine started new years eve, although over Christmas I had spells of it. Christmas is so pressured because of the expectations, traditions and being forced to see family for extended visits. I have a foster son who is generally really happy, but Christmas reminds him of all things bad particularly of parents not behaving how they should have. I hope you pick up soon x I don't often write on here, but to day I feel physically drained myself. Take care x