Rennie1989
03-01-14, 11:19
Despite will power and trying to improve my health I've lost it.
For a few weeks I've felt my mood just slowly and slowly drop. I blamed it on my impending move on the 25th January but I believe it is far more then that. Since my CBT I have discovered a lot about myself from realisations, and my recent one has been painful to realise.
Basically, as a child, my parents worked constantly. I have far more memories of my nan then my parents. Christmas was naff, one or both parents were either working and I was lumbered with a family member. Another thing is how my parents abandoned me during my bullying and panic attacks. I would tell people as a matter of fact and most people come back saying 'Really, they did nothing?' and it hurts, a lot. I took myself to the doctors when I was 17/18, even though I had panic attacks since I was 13. And it's not just that, the holidays we went on they spent all their time sunbathing, only my extended family took me out on day trips, weekends were spent at home because parents were too tired and I was made to do housework to earn my pocket money whilst my brother earned just the same by sitting on his backside playing on his xbox. Even the memory of my dad telling me 'You're not clever enough to be a doctor' still pains me a lot and how he tells people I was a difficult teenager, which I certainly wasn't.
I get intensely jealous when I see and hear happy families, even my own in laws. I watched a video of my husband when he was four and his baby sister, they looked so happy. There was another one where he and his two brothers were playing football. I don't know what my baby videos are of, I haven't watch one in ages, well, over 10 years at least. His mum always talks about taking them out as kids, how she helped them with their school work all throughout their education (which mine did not) and how involved they got with extra curricular activities that they loved. The activities I did were what my parents wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do.
I really hate myself right now. On Christmas Eve I noticed a significant drop. We went to a pub for a drink and I just did not want to be around so many people. On Christmas Day it dropped again. Not only did I spill coke all over me but, whilst I appreciate our presents, all of our presents were jointly for me and him but the vast majority of the presents were chocolates, niche jars of whatever and things that my husband asked for. It really got me down, but I feel stupid for letting it. So what if I don't eat chocolate, it's the thought that counts. Boxing Day was hard again, we went back to his parents where I let out a freudian slip about the Chinese, when a family friend who is Chinese sat opposite me. OMG I felt like an incredible idiot!!!
Tomorrow my husband and I are celebrating his birthday with drinks at where ever, Monday is his actual birthday where we go over to his parents. I just can't do it. I haven't got the energy, I just really do not want to be around people and having to pretend that I am OK, because I'm really not. But I want him to be happy and feel special, like he did on mine. I just feel awful because I could not plan anything like he did for mine and I won't be able to do my best on the day. He doesn't deserve that.
I cannot tell him yet how I feel because I don't want it to ruin his birthday, I don't want it being ruined because of me but I can see that being the case. I refuse to let this thing stop me, I try with all my strength to not lie in bed late and be active but it's so hard, it's like going against a resistance.
Sorry for the wall of text, I needed to rant to people who understand.
For a few weeks I've felt my mood just slowly and slowly drop. I blamed it on my impending move on the 25th January but I believe it is far more then that. Since my CBT I have discovered a lot about myself from realisations, and my recent one has been painful to realise.
Basically, as a child, my parents worked constantly. I have far more memories of my nan then my parents. Christmas was naff, one or both parents were either working and I was lumbered with a family member. Another thing is how my parents abandoned me during my bullying and panic attacks. I would tell people as a matter of fact and most people come back saying 'Really, they did nothing?' and it hurts, a lot. I took myself to the doctors when I was 17/18, even though I had panic attacks since I was 13. And it's not just that, the holidays we went on they spent all their time sunbathing, only my extended family took me out on day trips, weekends were spent at home because parents were too tired and I was made to do housework to earn my pocket money whilst my brother earned just the same by sitting on his backside playing on his xbox. Even the memory of my dad telling me 'You're not clever enough to be a doctor' still pains me a lot and how he tells people I was a difficult teenager, which I certainly wasn't.
I get intensely jealous when I see and hear happy families, even my own in laws. I watched a video of my husband when he was four and his baby sister, they looked so happy. There was another one where he and his two brothers were playing football. I don't know what my baby videos are of, I haven't watch one in ages, well, over 10 years at least. His mum always talks about taking them out as kids, how she helped them with their school work all throughout their education (which mine did not) and how involved they got with extra curricular activities that they loved. The activities I did were what my parents wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do.
I really hate myself right now. On Christmas Eve I noticed a significant drop. We went to a pub for a drink and I just did not want to be around so many people. On Christmas Day it dropped again. Not only did I spill coke all over me but, whilst I appreciate our presents, all of our presents were jointly for me and him but the vast majority of the presents were chocolates, niche jars of whatever and things that my husband asked for. It really got me down, but I feel stupid for letting it. So what if I don't eat chocolate, it's the thought that counts. Boxing Day was hard again, we went back to his parents where I let out a freudian slip about the Chinese, when a family friend who is Chinese sat opposite me. OMG I felt like an incredible idiot!!!
Tomorrow my husband and I are celebrating his birthday with drinks at where ever, Monday is his actual birthday where we go over to his parents. I just can't do it. I haven't got the energy, I just really do not want to be around people and having to pretend that I am OK, because I'm really not. But I want him to be happy and feel special, like he did on mine. I just feel awful because I could not plan anything like he did for mine and I won't be able to do my best on the day. He doesn't deserve that.
I cannot tell him yet how I feel because I don't want it to ruin his birthday, I don't want it being ruined because of me but I can see that being the case. I refuse to let this thing stop me, I try with all my strength to not lie in bed late and be active but it's so hard, it's like going against a resistance.
Sorry for the wall of text, I needed to rant to people who understand.