Is It Really Me? Or Is It Them?

[littlebutterflygb]

I've had agoraphobia since 1994 and have had better/worse times with it. Right now I'm not too bad.

I suppose I suffer from social anxiety in the sense that I don't feel 'as good' as other people when I compare myself to them, because I have 'this thing' (agoraphobia), but people tell me that I am friendly and easy to talk to and I guess that's true as I work from home in Customer Service:)

But I seem unable to keep friends. I lost friends when the agoraphobia started as I was unable to socialise with them. They used to visit me, and we'd have a great time, but it all dropped off as they 'moved on' and I stayed where I was (at home).

In those relationships since the agoraphobia started, I always felt that I'd done best part of the running - that it was my initiative that kept the relationships going and it appeared to me that I was correct, as years later when I decided not to do all the running, they didn't contact me.:weep:

So when I met up with an old school chum some 3 years ago, who knew about my agoraphobia (We'd bumped into each other over the years and always 'caught up') I felt that I had a friend again.:hugs: But the same thing has happened; even worse was the fact that our friendship never seemed to develop further to a 'confidant' level. It was all pleasant and nice and jolly, but we never got any further than 'good acquaintances'. Which was very odd to me as we'd been very close at school.

I cried a lot of tears over this and am bewildered as to why it never works out. I constantly worry that it's something about 'me' that's 'not right'. Hubby says it's not...but if it's not, why do they 'drop' me?

She posted a card and gift through my door over Christmas, but I've not responded or sent a card/gift for her birthday today. I feel like I can't go through being 'dropped' again, if I were to start things up again and respond to her.:sad:

[Fishmanpa]

I've had agoraphobia since 1994 and have had better/worse times with it. Right now I'm not too bad.

I suppose I suffer from social anxiety in the sense that I don't feel 'as good' as other people when I compare myself to them, because I have 'this thing' (agoraphobia), but people tell me that I am friendly and easy to talk to and I guess that's true as I work from home in Customer Service:)

But I seem unable to keep friends. I lost friends when the agoraphobia started as I was unable to socialise with them. They used to visit me, and we'd have a great time, but it all dropped off as they 'moved on' and I stayed where I was (at home).

In those relationships since the agoraphobia started, I always felt that I'd done best part of the running - that it was my initiative that kept the relationships going and it appeared to me that I was correct, as years later when I decided not to do all the running, they didn't contact me.:weep:

So when I met up with an old school chum some 3 years ago, who knew about my agoraphobia (We'd bumped into each other over the years and always 'caught up') I felt that I had a friend again.:hugs: But the same thing has happened; even worse was the fact that our friendship never seemed to develop further to a 'confidant' level. It was all pleasant and nice and jolly, but we never got any further than 'good acquaintances'. Which was very odd to me as we'd been very close at school.

I cried a lot of tears over this and am bewildered as to why it never works out. I constantly worry that it's something about 'me' that's 'not right'. Hubby says it's not...but if it's not, why do they 'drop' me?

She posted a card and gift through my door over Christmas, but I've not responded or sent a card/gift for her birthday today. I feel like I can't go through being 'dropped' again, if I were to start things up again and respond to her.:sad:

When I read your post, it reminded me of a girl I knew back in high school (a LONG time ago). She was very pretty, sweet albeit quiet, and I had a bit of a crush on her. I stayed in touch after high school and into my college years. Now, when I read your post and think about it, she most likely suffered from agoraphobia. I would ask her out and she would accept but never to actually go "out" She would always want to "hang out" at her folks place. For a time it was fine. We'd watch movies and such and enjoy ourselves. I was very social and loved the outdoors and would always invite her but she would always have an excuse not to go. Eventually, I tired of the excuses and stopped contacting her.

Concerning your friend? If I'm to be honest. In this case I would say it's you. Your friend, knowing your situation, initiated a very kind thing by dropping a card and gift at Christmas. Your lack of response, especially by not acknowledging your friend's birthday or the gift made it clear, whether intentional or not, that you're not interested in continuing the relationship. At least I would perceive it that way. Don't be too upset or disappointed if you don't hear anything.

It's evident by your post that friendships/relationships outside of your marriage are important to you. Perhaps seeking help with your agoraphobia would be beneficial in allowing you the ability to initiate and maintain relationships.

Positive thoughts

[Edie]

I'm sorry, friendship is so complicated.

Although I don't have agorophobia, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and can't go out much. I have found similar, that it's difficult to stay in touch with friends and see them regularly. They simply don't want to visit me all the time, and in the end we just drift apart.

Friendship needs to be a two-way thing. When one friend feels like they are doing all the work, they tend to drop you. Even knowing about your illness, people can still get frustrated with the situation and have difficulty distancing it from you as a person. So I don't think it's about you personally, it's just that your illness makes it difficult for your friends to stay in touch.

I think your best option is to keep making the effort. We have so many options now for staying in touch with people - phone, texts, facebook, whichever you prefer. Keep in touch with your friends, invite them to your house, if you are able to go out with your husband then bring him with you. And if I were you, I would reciprocate with the gift - she thinks enough of you to give you one. This is an opportunity that might lead to a friendship - it might not, but why waste the chance?

In the long term, yes I agree with Fishmanpa that getting some treatment would be really beneficial for you to help you build and keep friendships.

[littlebutterflygb]

I have had - and am - 'getting treatment'. I've had nothing but treatment over the years, but it still makes no difference.

You'd have thought that people might just accept that I'm the way I am, much in the same way that if I was unable to travel far due to a physical disability. But with Agoraphobia, people never really accept that you 'can't' do something - they just think you 'won't do it. And therein lies the problem.

I'm just going to leave things as they are. I should have really explained that I'd not heard from her, despite much effort on my part since March. That gave her a whopping 9 months to contact me - but it never came. I don't really need a friend like that, do I? It's soul destroying and simply adds to the feelings of 'not being good enough'.

[BobbyDog]

If you want to keep your friend, you need to make an effort, as others say friendship is a two thing. If you have her phone number or a contact on Facebook, perhaps you can still wish her a happy birthday, she is probably upset that she has made an effort to rekindle the relationship, and has not heard anything back from you.

You have to give to receive.

[littlebutterflygb]

But I have given! Over 3 years I have always been the one keeping up the contact. You say 'she is probably upset that she has made an effort to rekindle the relationship' - what about all the times over 3 years I made the effort, only to have her drop me again and again and again? I have been incredibly upset and cried many tears, as I explained in my original Post.

I often feel that as 'sufferers' we take the blame and feel 'it's me' when in fact, it really isn't! If I put the whole agoraphobia thing to one side and simply say 'is she a real friend?' then based upon her actions, it's no.

[Silverlight]

I'd say it's not just one of you, it's both of you. It's said many times here: friendship is a 2-way thing. Friendship tends to be really complicated as it's so easy to miscommunicate with each other, even more so when your contact doesn't go further than being good acquaintances.
I think you have to decide for yourself whether your want to continue this friendship or not. Based on your comments here, you don't want to, so there's not really a point in maintaining it, regardless of who is to "blame" for losing contact. If you don't want to, then you shouldn't.
I do want to add that you shouldn't let her go simply because you're scared of being dropped again. The risk of being dropped always exist in every friendship, but you have to accept that risk if you want a friendship to develop.