grace.M
04-01-14, 23:12
just thought i would let everyone know that this year i'm going to be brave! or at least try to anyways, i've been doing a lot of thinking and if a little exposure to my fears helps, i'm definitely going to find out. I have been suffering with GAD for the last two years and periods of high anxiety and panic attacks for a lot longer but i'm going to move forward without the labels and as far as i'm concerned i have made it past some pretty big rough patches, so i'm going to say i'm on the road to recovery, and more importantly i'm going to try to get back to being myself.
I found that since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and getting support really made me dwell on the fact I felt really unhealthy and really upset, and anxious (obviously) I started to make up excuses for why i couldn't do something or why i wanted to stay in and sleep all day, i was convincing myself it made me feel better, but its not me.. the real me likes going out on walks, likes being active and loves being creative, painting and doodling on everything and when i had the chance all of the above at once! (running around with a paintbrush in hand terrorising clean spaces and empty arts books) I really found that especially in the last year, this all got lost and replaced by 'safe me' and safe me just wanted to hide under my duvets and never come out, i had panic attacks thinking about going out and nearly sprinted for the exit whenever i was placed into a group of people. i was so stressed out all the time it was almost painful trying to talk to people and tell them I'm ok or smile as they said 'its all in your head' or 'I'm sure you can just snap out of it' and that was some of the recent support from family -sigh-
i plan on turning all of the little steps i've been taking over the last year to really understand what was going on with my anxiety and my personal life and focus on switching that into my own little confidence boost and focus not on my anxiety disorder and not on panic attacks and not on my past but really focusing on moving forward i started getting really upset that my counsellor had all the right awnsers and reassurance telling me everything is happening because of certain things that happened to me in my childhood and how i reacted to them, i do really understand what happened to me now but instead of saying to myself ' i didn't talk to them or avoided seeing anybody today because of what happened before' or 'i stayed in today because i know i might set off my anxiety doing something else or i can sleep in because i always do' i want to try and stop that chain of thought and change; can't because of my past/anxiety into I can because I'm making progress! i'm not allowing myself to be stuck anymore. To round this post off i want to share one of my biggest successes of 2013: i managed to combat my fear of heights and it may not seem like much but it was huge for me. I'm deathly afraid of heights, like getting dizzy on a thick carpet scared, and i managed to convince myself to go on a zip wire off a tower, i climbed up all kitted out with my harness,cables and helmet and i got to the top with no wall to hold on to and i nearly gave up and demanded i climb back down to the ground ( i tried convincing myself my harness looked dodgy so i had a half decent excuse) as i was second in line my legs went and i had my arms legs and everything shaking, I could feel a panic attack as the instructor clipped me in, i nearly cried ... but guess what?! I jumped! and it felt amazing, it was over in half the time i spent worrying and panicking over it, and i feel getting better is all about facing your fears head on, don't let anyone convince you its better not to try, don't you dare convince yourself its not worth the risk.. i have been there and i feel i missed out on a lot, and 'safe me' will not be ruling my life anymore, i have had a few setbacks, more recently patches of depression and feeling like i won't ever be good enough.. but 'safe me' won't beat me this time.
understanding why and how is the first step, not letting it define you is the second, realising you can be strong and make the jump will help you recover, it did for me! :D
sorry for the long post but i really needed to get this off my chest. and i hope it helps some of you... maybe a little? :flowers:
just a little update, my counsellor said it would be a good idea to keep a log of my progress so i can focus on little successes instead of looking at the past where it went wrong/failures and negative stuff.. soo here goes:
so its been a little over a week? nearly two weeks? but i have managed to get out of my 'bubble' a little and start being a bit more brave.... and being brave is good! no need to hide ( kinda still want to). firstly i have managed a few good positives... i went out on my new bike, on my own to work ( i really hate going anywhere in the dark on my own..especialy when its quiet) the first two days were fine, managed to get to work and back feeling pretty proud of myself, but i went in on my bike a little later and it meant i was going home at rush hour.. i panicked! i felt like everyone was looking at me and i had to stop a good few times, i was so scared of the cars on the roads i stuck mainly to the pavements. i felt like such a fool, i was so upset that everyone else might have seen me panicking.
on with the good stuff!!! i managed to ask questions at uni, and i managed to talk to people instead of trying to hide away, which was really scary... i mean we have tutors we are meant to ask about work.. thats what they are there for right? i suppose i got it in my head i was just wasting their time or i was going to say something stupid or miss out points i was planning to talk about, i did, both times i tried talking to tutors today -sigh- ....but i feel i'm getting there, slowly. i'm still pretty terrified of what people will think of me, even though when i talk to people i kind of know or friends i come across as really confident....sometimes
although ive been managing so far with facing fears and anxietys, i have had some tiny setbacks, i still shake like a fool when i talk to people or get nervous, which is a lot! i have been having a lot of self doubts too... i end up panicking after i do something i usually wouldn't like today when i was talking to people i didn't really know, afterwards i started to really over think everything and started thinking that perhaps i would be better off not talking to them, argh. I end up getting myself in a state where i can't talk to anyone and end up retreating away to a safe space on my own for a few hours, i really do feel silly... i end up doing something that is good steps towards 'recovering' and i freak out, a lot. i feel like i'm trying too hard to be better and it hurts, i keep feeling terrible because i get really upset over little things and then i panic, makes me feel like i should stay cuddled up in my room!
I found that since being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and getting support really made me dwell on the fact I felt really unhealthy and really upset, and anxious (obviously) I started to make up excuses for why i couldn't do something or why i wanted to stay in and sleep all day, i was convincing myself it made me feel better, but its not me.. the real me likes going out on walks, likes being active and loves being creative, painting and doodling on everything and when i had the chance all of the above at once! (running around with a paintbrush in hand terrorising clean spaces and empty arts books) I really found that especially in the last year, this all got lost and replaced by 'safe me' and safe me just wanted to hide under my duvets and never come out, i had panic attacks thinking about going out and nearly sprinted for the exit whenever i was placed into a group of people. i was so stressed out all the time it was almost painful trying to talk to people and tell them I'm ok or smile as they said 'its all in your head' or 'I'm sure you can just snap out of it' and that was some of the recent support from family -sigh-
i plan on turning all of the little steps i've been taking over the last year to really understand what was going on with my anxiety and my personal life and focus on switching that into my own little confidence boost and focus not on my anxiety disorder and not on panic attacks and not on my past but really focusing on moving forward i started getting really upset that my counsellor had all the right awnsers and reassurance telling me everything is happening because of certain things that happened to me in my childhood and how i reacted to them, i do really understand what happened to me now but instead of saying to myself ' i didn't talk to them or avoided seeing anybody today because of what happened before' or 'i stayed in today because i know i might set off my anxiety doing something else or i can sleep in because i always do' i want to try and stop that chain of thought and change; can't because of my past/anxiety into I can because I'm making progress! i'm not allowing myself to be stuck anymore. To round this post off i want to share one of my biggest successes of 2013: i managed to combat my fear of heights and it may not seem like much but it was huge for me. I'm deathly afraid of heights, like getting dizzy on a thick carpet scared, and i managed to convince myself to go on a zip wire off a tower, i climbed up all kitted out with my harness,cables and helmet and i got to the top with no wall to hold on to and i nearly gave up and demanded i climb back down to the ground ( i tried convincing myself my harness looked dodgy so i had a half decent excuse) as i was second in line my legs went and i had my arms legs and everything shaking, I could feel a panic attack as the instructor clipped me in, i nearly cried ... but guess what?! I jumped! and it felt amazing, it was over in half the time i spent worrying and panicking over it, and i feel getting better is all about facing your fears head on, don't let anyone convince you its better not to try, don't you dare convince yourself its not worth the risk.. i have been there and i feel i missed out on a lot, and 'safe me' will not be ruling my life anymore, i have had a few setbacks, more recently patches of depression and feeling like i won't ever be good enough.. but 'safe me' won't beat me this time.
understanding why and how is the first step, not letting it define you is the second, realising you can be strong and make the jump will help you recover, it did for me! :D
sorry for the long post but i really needed to get this off my chest. and i hope it helps some of you... maybe a little? :flowers:
just a little update, my counsellor said it would be a good idea to keep a log of my progress so i can focus on little successes instead of looking at the past where it went wrong/failures and negative stuff.. soo here goes:
so its been a little over a week? nearly two weeks? but i have managed to get out of my 'bubble' a little and start being a bit more brave.... and being brave is good! no need to hide ( kinda still want to). firstly i have managed a few good positives... i went out on my new bike, on my own to work ( i really hate going anywhere in the dark on my own..especialy when its quiet) the first two days were fine, managed to get to work and back feeling pretty proud of myself, but i went in on my bike a little later and it meant i was going home at rush hour.. i panicked! i felt like everyone was looking at me and i had to stop a good few times, i was so scared of the cars on the roads i stuck mainly to the pavements. i felt like such a fool, i was so upset that everyone else might have seen me panicking.
on with the good stuff!!! i managed to ask questions at uni, and i managed to talk to people instead of trying to hide away, which was really scary... i mean we have tutors we are meant to ask about work.. thats what they are there for right? i suppose i got it in my head i was just wasting their time or i was going to say something stupid or miss out points i was planning to talk about, i did, both times i tried talking to tutors today -sigh- ....but i feel i'm getting there, slowly. i'm still pretty terrified of what people will think of me, even though when i talk to people i kind of know or friends i come across as really confident....sometimes
although ive been managing so far with facing fears and anxietys, i have had some tiny setbacks, i still shake like a fool when i talk to people or get nervous, which is a lot! i have been having a lot of self doubts too... i end up panicking after i do something i usually wouldn't like today when i was talking to people i didn't really know, afterwards i started to really over think everything and started thinking that perhaps i would be better off not talking to them, argh. I end up getting myself in a state where i can't talk to anyone and end up retreating away to a safe space on my own for a few hours, i really do feel silly... i end up doing something that is good steps towards 'recovering' and i freak out, a lot. i feel like i'm trying too hard to be better and it hurts, i keep feeling terrible because i get really upset over little things and then i panic, makes me feel like i should stay cuddled up in my room!