Being touched

[AndrewNolan]

Hi

Does anyone else struggle with being touched by other people? Most intimacy scares me but I really dislike being touched. It usually makes me jump! I'm usually a bit more relaxed if I know the person well but it's quite a barrier in terms of forming any relationships. When you tell someone you have intimacy issues they usually decide that they'd rather go for someone who doesn't which I can understand. It used to be a source of constant tension in my only relationship so far with my ex lashing out at me because of her frustration around this (hence her being my ex of course because I think that was quite unsupportive).

Anyway - it'd be nice to know that I'm not alone in this and whether or not people do get through this. Personally now that I'm aware of it I try and relax a bit more around people when this occurs but it's still a bit scary!

Cheers

A

[Rennie1989]

Generally I hate it when people encroach on my personal space, only person I allow is my husband. I hate touches, I hate accidental knocks, I hate hugs, I basically prefer it if people just waved at me, lol.

In terms of relationships I've always found it hard to be physically intimate i.e. hugs, hand holding and kissing, although it seemed to be the exception for my husband when we first met. I am incredibly self conscious and some ex's have probably found me a little frigid.

[Tessar]

Andrew, I have struggled with physical contact ever since I can remember but have been working hard on changing that. It does take time & effort to change how you feel but it is possible. Have a look at this thread I out on a while back:
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?p=1255192
This deals more with friendships I have or with family but I would say in terms of my intimate relationships, well, I really have struggled with being touched. I did explain to my partner at the outset of our relationship (a very long time ago now) that if I appear a little stand-off'ish, then it isn't down to her, it's me. Fortunately she was very understanding, in this context, communication really was the key.
Sometimes, if she touched me in a caring way (something as simple as a gentle peck on the cheek or a touch of my arm) I'd wonder why. It seemed totally alien to me. I mean, why on earth would someone want to touch me? My brothers made me feel that no-one would ever want me anyway & Having come from a family where hugging was considered soppy & any form of physical contact was laughable, it took me time to adjust.
I feel you do need time. As you have discovered though......Sometimes it is very difficult for other people (especially those who are more used to the joys of physical warmth & another person's touch) to relate to the difficulties you are experiencing.
Do you know what may be behind the way you feel?
I will say though that if one day you desire to be more at ease with physical contact, really it is possible to work on how you feel. That's why I say it takes time because it did for me. You can't just change your instinct. It's built into you how you react but with allowing yourself to tolerate a little more closeness or intimacy gradually, then change can come in time.
Touch is something I have struggled with but have made good headway in dealing with so you aren't alone here, Andrew. Don't forget that.

[AndrewNolan]

Thanks for the replies guys. It's very strange to me to have this issue in later life as when I was a kid I always loved having hugs. I think it comes from being bullied at school and suffering with low self-esteem. And I think that continued avoidance of intimacy has probably led to me being less confident in being intimate. Perhaps that will change though if I'm as lucky as you two are in terms of finding understanding partners who can help encourage me out of my shell so to speak.

A

[Tessar]

hey andrew, I wondered how it might be going for you?
There is no doubt in my mind at all that having been bullied at school and suffered with low self-esteem, these things will be contributing to your current difficulties. I can be certain that the people who bullied you were weak & most likely very insecure. Sadly their actions have left a bad taste for you. Bad memories no doubt. But you can deal with those things when they rear their ugly head in life.
Identifying your continued avoidance of intimacy leading you being less confident in being intimate sound very reasonable to me.
One thing I am sure of is that will definitely change for you. The way I look at it, if you are with someone who really cares then they would be patient & work through this alongside you.
I would be more than happy to help you - especially when it comes to encouraging you out of your shell. I was bullied a lot in life but have put a stop to that now. It took time for me to do that but at the end of it I was a totally different person. Having experienced the bad stuff but come through it, I'd like nothing better than to help you.
Bye for now & hoping you are doing ok.

[AndrewNolan]

Hi Tessar

Thank you for your kind words. I do find myself being a bit more releaxed since opening up. I hope one day to find someone who is as patient and understanding as you describe :-)