New member seeking advice...

[Midds]

Hello all,

Firstly, thank you so much to those people responsible for this website - what you've created should bring you a lot of pride.

Secondly, I've never been on a forum like this before, so please forgive me if my first post is repetitive of others. I was hoping for someone to give me some help and advice on how to better deal with my anxiety. I'm 31 now (male) and have suffered with it off and on since I was 17. I put it down to confidence issues; whenever I'm faced with a challenge, or the unknown, my first instinct is to hide from it, or avoid it, whichever is easiest to accomplish. I've avoided so many things in my life to make it easier on myself it's amazing I've managed to achieve anything!! I'm quite hard on myself about the anxious feelings I get because I've always thought I should be able to contain them and manage them using my mind. I realise it's my mind that brings on the problems, which for me thinking logically, means I should be able to reverse the damage it does and fear it causes by using the same methods... How wrong I am.

My anxiety is always in my stomach, in the past it has caused me to vomit, now it just causes severe discomfort, and it has no sympathy for where I am or what I am doing. For example, I was in a meeting about one month ago and I started to feel anxious sick and was looking for a way to escape. This wasn't appropriate so I sat there in pain and discomfort until the meeting had finished. As soon as the meeting had finished, the stomach ache subsided and I was able to get on with my business for the day. This tells me that the stomach ache WAS brought on by the anxiety and there was nothing wrong with me at all. I was sat in that meeting and I realised that in the 14 or so years I have been dealing with this, the counsellors I've seen, the books I've read, and above all, the horrible experiences it has caused me, I haven't developed any coping strategies at all! This is inexcusable I know, but my defence for this is to explain that I've never been able to fully acknowledge this problem that I have, it's always been my strategy to pretend that it wasn't happening. Silly, I know.

Another thing that is on my mind is that I go on holiday on Thursday, to the Philippines for three weeks with my girlfriend. I should be so excited about this trip I know, but instead I'm worried about feeling anxious and sick when I get there. In the height of my anxiety (18-21), I'd feel anxious and sick for weeks on end, it was a daily battle. I've grown up a lot and grown in confidence since then, so this is silly fear, but it's one that is consuming me at the minute; affecting my sleep and my day to day life.

I've decided that things need to change - I've only ever done something about the anxiety when it's happening - ie I've called the Samaritans in tears on several occasions and they're always very good in calming me down because they listen without judgement. I've never tried to equip myself with the tools to cope in case it happens, because I don't want it to happen. But enough is enough and I'm getting to the point where I really need to cope better if and when it happens - to make peace with the fact that this might be with me forever, and if it is then I should learn how to better deal with it.

I'd really appreciate any help people might be able to offer me. I'm of course willing to give any more information if it is needed. I'm hoping to be a regular poster now I've discovered this site and to hopefully help others along the way. I'm a 'seasoned sufferer' so can always relate to your problems, and sometimes that is enough; to know you are not alone.

Thanks so much in advance for your time.

Midds

[ray52]

Hi and welcome to the forum

[AndrewNolan]

Hi Midds

Avoidance is something I can relate to. I used to spend ages procastinating and not doing things or would walk away from situations that made me feel anxious. Even now over a year into my anxiety fight I still catch myself doing it. When I get anxious I tend to have the overwhelming need to urinate - which can be quite a problem during long meetings. However, I've found that if I concentrate on what's being said and how the other people in the meeting are interacting with each other plus start offering my own contributions it can help take my mind of my anxiety.

Perhaps try doing the above - and try and ignore the voice in your head that says that you can't and that your only focus should be on your stomach.

In regards to your trip to the Phillipines have you tried opening up to your girlfriend about the anxiety that you're feeling? I'm assuming that what you're worried about is that your anxiety will overcome you and spoil the holiday = but I think if you make your girlfriend aware of this and explain that sometimes as a result you may just want to chill and go for a beer or read a book when your anxiety is bad then that may help take some of the pressure off :-)

[Midds]

Hi Ray, thanks for the welcome.

Hi Andrew, thanks for your post.

Funnily enough, the girlfriend and I had that conversation this morning. I told her my fears and she was very good about them - she's a very logical person so assured me that she can offer the logical solutions to some things and give me emotional support for the others.

Regarding being in meetings, I too try and throw myself into them. The worst thing about anxiety though is the varying degrees of intensity. Because of this it sometimes makes it very difficult to employ this tactic - it's exhausting sometimes. I do wish it was something I didn't have to think about so much but c'est la vie as they say.

Thanks again, and good luck with your own battle. Do let me know if I can repay the favour sometimes - following your own advice isn't always the easiest is it?

[Pipkin]

Hi Midds and welcome to the site!

I thought I'd reply to your intro as I could almost have written that post myself. I've suffered from anxiety pretty much all my life and it started with stomach issues. Still now, if I get any physical symptoms, they always start there with either stomach pain or that awful knotted feeling which I find almost unbearable. Believe me, I can really relate to what you're saying.

I'm not sure I can offer any real advice but I thought I'd point put a couple of things to you. You said that you haven't developed any coping strategies but it's pretty clear that you have. You've got a job which you're obviously doing well in, you're in a relationship and you're confident enough to plan a really good holiday (which you'll enjoy once you're there). I'm sure there are many other achievements but I'm just going on what you've written. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Like me, it's very easy to look back and think about all the things that anxiety has stopped you doing. I know I could spend a lot time regretting things if I let myself. I prefer to think that being an anxious person has made me into the person I am and I've developed qualities that I probably wouldn't have - I'm very sensitive to others' feelings, for example. If you think about it, I'm guessing that you'll find the same. More important is to look to the future and find ways to stop your anxiety holding you back again. That's exactly what you're saying in your post so your approach is exactly right.

You've mentioned counselling and speaking to the Samaritans but you haven't said anything about talking to your GP. Have you been referred for therapy or been prescribed medication before? If not, I'd recommend your GP as a good starting point.

Do you know what lies behind your anxiety and what sort of things do you avoid? A main point that I've learnt as I've got older is never to allow myself to avoid things. When I find myself in an anxiety-provoking situation, I force myself to see it through regardless of how bad I feel - I've learnt techniques to keep panic at bay through breathing and letting the wave wash over me. I then seek out a similar situation and force myself through it again and, in the long run, it's helped me to deal with most situations. I think you're doing similar things such as attending meetings and forcing yourself through them. I know you probably don't have much choice as it's part of your job but you keep going to work when many people can't.

PM me if you want to have a chat about anything.

Take care

Pip

[Mora Mora]

Hi Midds,

I'm new to this as well but i think it's great how supportive everyone is on here! I've been suffering with anxiety for 13 years (and counting) since I was 8 and I've been in and out of the system loads so I've had counselling on and off.
Avoidance was (probably still is) a thing I do, but I recently went on a 5 week trip to Madagascar, it was the most scary and intense things I've ever experienced but it was such a life changer for me, it made me face my fears and has really helped.
So I would say to try and welcome your trip with open arms the best you can and just go with it, because once you realise you can over come your fears there'll be no stopping you!

As they say in Madagascar Mora Mora (take it easy) :)