View Full Version : so confused and scared
I have never suffered from anxiety before until about 6 weeks ago.
It feels like a switch has been turned on in my head and I can't switch it off.
I feel sick to my stomach all the time, have swimming feeling in my head 3-5 times a day, I cant keep still or relax. I feel like crying because I don't understand whats going on.
I am supposed to be moving 2 hours away from my home town (we are living 45 mile away from it now but my job is still there) in the next couple of months because my work is opening a new depot and I would have better job prospects there. My bf job is automatically moving there but he is from this area anyway. It will be nearer to his son we would be 50 mile away instead of 80 mile away.
It feels like it started because my bf binge drinks every weekend starting the friday and we end up having blazing rows about it. He gets in that much of a state he has no care with what hes doing and ends up like a dead body in the room and pee's himself and then the next day he continues to drink and just sit around eating and drinking and ends up in the same condition. On the Sunday he has a hangover from hell and just in bed all day. He doesnt just do it at home he does it at his friends aswell and now we have been banned from staying over because of the chaos and mess he causes.
This anxiety started the day after a binge at the end of nov because I didnt understand what I was feeling and ended up getting in the car and driving around all day. This anxiety has gradually got worse. I have told my bf that his bing drinking is unacceptable and im suffering anxiety because of it and I feel sick even when he picks up his first beer. All I can think is I am going to be on the other side of the country and he is going to get in this state again on a regular basis and im going to be alone and its not going to work out and I am going to be stuck there in a job and I cant go home.
I have spoken to my family and friends and they said not to be hasty and throw it away and give him another chance. I have told him at the moment I feel I cant move and he said under no circumstance is he moving to my home town because its too far away from his son (70 mile), I told him I feel like im giving up everything and he is gaining everything. He said no got 95% and ive got 5% cos he would move even nearer to his son and further away from my home.
I know his son is important and he loves him but I am scared I am not going to cope moving area, a new job and suffering anxiety. I have no clue what to do
Gosh, what a pickle you are in at the moment. It is so difficult for anyone to advise you what to do when we don't know you and your boyfriend personally.
Having said that however here is my view but I am sure that someone else will come along with much better words of wisdom than I have to offer.
Any relationship should enrich your life. There will be good times and bad. The bad times are those that life throws at you and you work through them together as a team.
From what you have written it is your partner who is the creator of your bad times. He is acting in a way that you find impossible to tolerate and is having a dramatic negative affect on your own health and wellbeing.
Regardless of where you are living, is this how you envision your future?
Do you want to spend the next 10, 20 years, maybe the rest of your life living like this, with a partner who behaves in this way? Do you think that you want better from your life or are you prepared to be treated this way indefinitely?
It is so difficult having to make decisions about a relationship with someone you love but there are times when you have to absolutely honest with yourself and question whether you are truly happy.
It is better to be on your own than in a destructive relationship? Will you ever find peace of mind while you are living this way?
So many questions that only you can answer I'm afraid.
You can't change your partners behaviour. What you can change is your own future if you choose to.
Good luck.
x.
Thanks Flossie
Thats what has been going round in my head. I know we have something really good but I can't handle this destructive behaviour anymore.
I keep thinking is this what its going to be like for the rest of my life is I stay in this relationship? If we ever had children do I want children in that sort of environment and I wont be near my family for support.
Everyone keeps saying I am being hasty and my anxiety has put a negative head on me and I should think positive but its really hard to when I am feeling like this
Just remember - it is your life, no-one elses.
There is only one person who can make the decisions about what makes you happy and unhappy and that is you. If you ask the opinion of friends and family then be prepared for them to not tell you what you want to hear. Best thing is don't ask them. Make your own mind up and then if they really have your best interests at heart then they will support you. They don't have to agree or like your decision but they should certainly respect it whichever road you decide to take.
Another option could be that your bf moves without you and you visit at weekends and holidays with a view to following on in a while. This way you can adapt to the new surroundings and give you more confidence about a life change. More importantly it will also gives you a chance to find out whether your relationship is the cause of your anxiety or not, or whether you can forgive him his behaviour because you can't live without him or you are better away from him.
I think that you are right in thinking that this is an enviroment not best suited to bringing a baby into. It sounds as if your heart knows what is best for you and what you want from a relationship. It takes a lot of courage to walk away. If this is what you decide is for the best then stay strong. Don't be persuaded by others, after all they don't want him in their homes when he behaves badly so you shouldn't have to live like that either. You never know it might just be the wake up call he needs to realise exactly how badly his drinking affects his behaviour and also that he cannot treat you this way and expect you to put up with it. He probably won't like it to be honest but if he really respects you then he should take your wishes and needs into account as well as fulfilling his own.
I have no doubt that your bf is a really lovely man and this is the person your family want you to be with. The big but here is, do you both want the same things from your relationship and life?
That has summed up my thoughts completely. I don't mind people having a drink but whats hes doing is what 17 year old do and I have certainly grown out of it at 30!
. It feels like it started because my bf binge drinks every weekend starting the friday and we end up having blazing rows about it. He gets in that much of a state he has no care with what hes doing and ends up like a dead body in the room and pee's himself and then the next day he continues to drink and just sit around eating and drinking and ends up in the same condition. On the Sunday he has a hangover from hell and just in bed all day. He doesnt just do it at home he does it at his friends aswell and now we have been banned from staying over because of the chaos and mess he causes.
This anxiety started the day after a binge at the end of nov because I didnt understand what I was feeling and ended up getting in the car and driving around all day. This anxiety has gradually got worse. I have told my bf that his bing drinking is unacceptable and im suffering anxiety because of it and I feel sick even when he picks up his first beer. All I can think is I am going to be on the other side of the country and he is going to get in this state again on a regular basis and im going to be alone and its not going to work out and I am going to be stuck there in a job and I cant go home.
Firstly, I'm truly sorry you've been suffering from anxiety. As I read your post, it became obvious that your anxiety is being caused by the current state of your relationship. You don't say you've suffered prior to November.
The short answer is to remove the thing in your life that's causing the anxiety but when emotions and people are involved, it's not that easy.
The long answer is just my opinion. Being a "partner" to someone, marriage aside, is a total commitment. Just because you don't have a piece of paper doesn't lessen this. Unfortunately, your boyfriend has a partner besides you and that's alcohol. He can't have it both ways. His drinking, as you describe it, is a serious cause for concern and is a serious problem in my opinion. Let's face it, if you drink to the point of peeing on yourself.... need I say more?
If I were to give you any advice it would be an ultimatum. Drinking or You.... that simple. It's irresponsible to himself and all involved.
I'm seeing your heart in your post and it's telling you to move on and do what is best for you. It doesn't sound like an equitable partnership from what you describe. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.
Positive thoughts
Thankyou Fishmanpa
I am just scared to end something that was really good before the drinking.
He hasn't binge drinked since we had it out before we went out nye but really its only been one weekend and he still had a drink (4 cans, 1 bottle of ale and half a bottle of wine) but wasnt smashed. He had promised me he was going to to stay sober for January so didn't know whether to kick off he was having a drink when he promised not to or just keep quiet because he didnt binge.
I can't even drink an alcoholic drink myself without getting anxious. I feel crazy
I think your body, intuition is telling you something. It doesn't matter what anybody else's opinion is.
You're picturing the scenario you're walking into and your intuition is, rightly in my opinion, pointing out a likely scenario that bothers you a lot.
You can see where this is heading and you don't like it.
I think you should listen to it.
Your next choice should be one that leaves you feeling relieved, more secure, happier. And I don't think that choice is isolating yourself in a new place with your bf giving you those problems.
It's coming to a head and that'll be why you're feeling anxiety.
This constant feeling of dread is killing me.
I worry that anxiety is going to make me finish this relationship that has potential is we both work on it but then I also think that the anxiety is caused by my bf and wont be solved unless I end it.
I think a fear of being single isnt helping me either.
There isn't a lot to add as you have been given excellent advise from the others. You have to think about what is best for you in the long term here. At the moment all I can see from your relationship is it being detrimental to your health.
You say you fear being single. I had similar feelings once when I was in a previous relationship and I stayed in it for years then I left. When I left it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was so much more relaxed. Maybe you need to give your bf a wake up call...either he stops the drinking or you stay put and don't move with him.
Well I did it. I ended it with him and you know what I agree it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He is adament he doesn't have a problem and should be allowed to drink as much as he wants on his days off, if he can't see an issue then I can't help him.
I still feel a little anxious but thats from the break up and the fear of being alone but nothing compared to what I have been suffering from.
Thankyou guys
I am pleased you feels like it is a weight of your shoulders. We are here if you need more support xx
Well I did it. I ended it with him and you know what I agree it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He is adament he doesn't have a problem and should be allowed to drink as much as he wants on his days off, if he can't see an issue then I can't help him.
I still feel a little anxious but thats from the break up and the fear of being alone but nothing compared to what I have been suffering from.
Thankyou guys
Good for you for following your gut in this situation. I'm sorry for the down feelings you're having but as you said, the positives outweigh the negatives. You'll be fine and eventually, when you least expect it, someone will come into your life that will bless you in abundance.
Positive thoughts
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