My life is a train wreck right now

[Kenna5027]

I am having constant panic attacks; I can't sleep; I feel like I am totally trapped with no way out.

I am a college student in the US, a senior. My degree requires me to go on for a master's if I want to find work. So I am currently in the process of applying to graduate school. The application is due by the 1st of February, and the application itself is fine BUT I need three references to write me letters.

I already have one professor who has written me one. I have asked one of my employers to do so and she agreed, but she lives three hours away from me (it was part-time employment last fall) and has since not responded to my emails. I also asked my college advisor who was also one of my professors, and she wont email me back even though I emailed her a couple of weeks ago. I resent the email yesterday. I asked a couple of other professors who didn't get back to me as well. I NEED these references, and I feel like I am running out of time. My work history is limited and I'm very, very shy so I don't "connect" with my professors like most students do - which causes a problem.

On top of this, I have just accepted a new job and am regretting it. Today is my first official day. For starters, I am under massive stress with graduate school, and I'm going to have to work my last two weeks of Christmas break. I also am not totally sure about the nature of the work and if I am truly capable of it, and I HATE my supervisor. Which is sad, because the rest of the people I have met are incredibly nice, but he just doesn't have his act together - so he forgets things I tell him (like my schedule), he won't give me a solid work hours (it's just kind of "whenever you leave"), and he scheduled me for every ounce of free time I have, including Saturdays, which just makes me feel really overwhelmed.

Plus, my dog that I have had for 13 years and has always been my comfort is beginning to have seizures and lose weight, so I am terrified of losing him. He goes into the vet today and hopefully all is well, but I just don't know.

I have had anxiety for a very long time, and it has manifested itself in multiple different ways. But I just feel like everything is caving in now and I have no options...what am I supposed to do?

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Hi Kenna,
I would suggest getting into to see your doctor right away. Write everything down you want to discuss ahead of time. They will probably offer you a SSRI- many of us are on that journey now. You might also see if they can offer suggestions as to a counselor- CBT therapy or even talk therapy may help a great deal as meds are not the long term answer without combining with some self-work.

You have found a good place for support. Anxiety is crippling, but there is a way out. It isn't going to be an overnight fix, but there is relief for you.

My very best wishes for your recovery (I'm on the anxiety journey with you.)!

[Oosh]

I've been in that position where you suddenly need references from the people around you who you never got on particularly well with. The thought of then having to ask them for this makes you cringe but you have to ! Ugh !

I think I'm the shyest person I've known of and I know how hard that is. But I asked for the references because I had to. It's horrible coming out of that comfort zone. But you want those references. Get them ! Forget about any doubts or discomfort, see it as a challenge, be cheeky and get them !
I see no reason why these professors who aren't replying would not want to give you the reference. They're probably busy. So continue to chase them up.
Go to where they are if possible.
You'll feel much better once it's done.
Others here will probably give you better advice on that than me. There seems to be a lot of teachers etc here.
It's a challenge, get them !

Hard to tolerate your job and your Idiot boss with the references and your dog on your mind. Anyone would be stressed with all of that.

Hopefully once the references problem is solved you can turn your focus onto your job and silly boss and improve that area somehow.

I hope your dogs ok. That's bad timing. I'm a big dog person. I know how attached to them you can get.

Your not stuck in a place with no way out. You're faced with a series of challenges. Knock them down one by one.
That'll occasionally require you to jump right out of your comfort zone.
It has to be done. You'll prove to yourself that when you have to you can.

It's about shaping your life the way you want it. Clearly there's some work to be done. Keep working on it until you're happy with it.

I think a lot of your panic/anxiety will stop once you feel more comfortable where you are.

I'd look into sharing all this with someone your end too.
You don't need to be worrying about all of that on your own.

[Kenna5027]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

This is all advice I need to take to heart. It's difficult because everything is such a mess and I am SO out of my element right now. Clearly, I need to take it in stride and deal with it, but it's hard when all I want to do is run towards something more familiar. It's also difficult in my workplace because schedules aren't so clear-cut, in fact nothing is, and so I am constantly stressing that I'm doing something wrong or that I will be there longer than I can be.

As for graduate school, I'm going to attack part of that tonight if I can. I'm still trying to contact people. It's hard too being "abandoned" and ignored by my advisor, but I'm hoping she's just having email difficulties and isn't consciously doing so.

[Marty_67]

Hi Kenna. I can really relate to your situation. Anxiety makes you take the littlest thing very personally - I also made a list of stuff for the doctor and it really helped me too.

You have already taken some very positive strides, accepting you actually have some issues and wanting to do something about it is the first step to sorting yourself out.

I am 2 weeks into (another) Citilipram dose and I can now say that I am feeling so much better.

Anyways up, all the best and stay in touch.

Marty

[PhuzzBuzz]

Hi Kenna I read your post. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I understand a lot of what you're feeling. Have you spoken to your doctor? You'd be surprised how medication can help. If you need to talk message me.

[Kenna5027]

Thanks again for all the kind words. I am feeling a little bit better about my job, though I am yo-yoing between staying or leaving. There are some nice people here, but I have been experiencing major depersonalization while at work and am just so totally drained after only one week. I feel like a zombie, and I hate that.

I got another reference and hopefully my third (who has committed) actually sends it in. I am nervous, but I also feel like it is out of my hands.

My new years resolution was to feel more capable and confident, which will hopefully make me happier. Baby steps, I guess. I'm sure everyone on this forum has a similar resolution, haha.