Feeling good for a change!

[fran43]

I dont know why but the depersonalisation (unreal) feelings have gone. I enrolled on a stress class on a Monday and joined a similar type project that is held Tuesday to Friday.

I can now go into supermarkets and shops, crowds without this unreal feeling which makes a while load of difference.

Cant figure out why (or where) the unreal feeling went but I dont think I am particularly keen to go looking for a reason for fear of it coming back.

It is going to be a hard day on 19 Nov. It will be a year since my dad died. The pain hasn't got easier. I appreciate it will be difficult for my mum but if she keeps on slamming the phone down on me than I need to make a choice. If she wants to talk fine but if she wants to accuse me (and my sisters) of not doing things and then slam the phone down then that is her choice but not one I have to respond to.

I have said perhaps she needs to find a womens' group or interests that will get her out of the house. It is a six bedroom place and I would feel lonely and empty but unlesss she is prepared to lower her pride and do something positive for herself than I just cant help.

The main project during the week gives me a free counsellor once a week for four months and my goal is that is if progress continues this way that I will return to work in January. My work is stressful and with risk and so I need to be sure that it will not create too much pressure.

Cant say I am a lover of Christmas but my daughter's baby is due 22 Dec so things may be chaotic (especially as I am her birthing party and am sure she is going to call me a lot of names during labour which she doesn't mean). Perhaps they will give me a tank of gas and air to get through it:D

I asked my GP to take me off hydroxazine and beta bloker. They were not helping and it seems pointless to take something that has no effect, so my cocktail of meds is going down to.

This post doesn't mean I am cured (far from it) but the progress I have made this week has mainly been positive and it is nice to share with you all my feelings.

Take care of yourself.

Love Fran XX:D

[ceecee]

hi fran thats great!
i,m so pleased for you!
it must be really difficult when an anniversary of a loved one comes around.will be thinkin of you
take care
rach x

[hopeful]

Hi Fran,
Good to hear you're feeling better. I too feel a lot better after using techniques Ive learnt. Cant say how it happens exactly but it feels great don't it ?
Fingers crossed for you, and good luck with the birth!!!
Take care
julie x

[mirry]

Hi Fran, glad your on the Up, I think its best to concentrate on enjoying life than to look back and stir up old feelings.

You have 2 stressfull events coming up, once you havent gotten through them you can start to make plans for your future.

well done :D

mirryx

[LickeyEndBlues]

Great news Fran, sharing small steps is as important as big ones...possible more so as it helps everyone with th eeveryday stuff as to the big cure.

Yup you have a couple of biggies on the horizon, but try to focus on what has gotten you into the position to post this. That is important.

Thinking about you

Take care

Iain

Laissez les bon temp roulez

[fran43]

Thanks for all your supportive posts. I have had another good day today - first day on my four month course and I came away feeling I had achieved something big.

Iain

I see where you are coming from about what got me into writing the post. I guess the first was I was overly overly happy about losing the unreal feeling which I had 24/7 and which was bringing me down. To be honest I try not to dwell on why or where the unreal feeling went or stopped because I dont know myself.

At this moment I dont want to dwell and look back and find out where or why as the fear of it returning overrides how good I feel at the moment. I am not sure what I would do to cope with its return but it has gone for now.

Perhaps it has something to do with me being more proactive, getting out, meeting people, going to supermarkets, shopping centres, etc. My self-esteeem rises when I do that and I feel as long as I keep doing that hopefully it will keep this symptom away.

It is tough with what is coming my way ie my daughter giving birth just before 22 Dec, my son's birthday 28 Dec. Most of all my Dad's 1st anniversary after his death (which will be Sunday). Of course it willl hurt, I still miss him so bad it hurts. I have had to go to the labour wards at 2.00am with my daughter as she thought something wrong and I had to get a lift past ICU where he died. Last week a friend was admitted as an emergency onto the same ward where my Dad was before transfer to ICU and yes, that hurt too.

I guess I have to face this. Friends (or my daughter) who are admitted to hospital are always going to bring back memories. I still haven't stopped hurting over his rapid unexpected death and I believe a year is a long time and I ought to be over it and not feel this pain. The truth is he was my dad but also a best friend and 12 months is not that long and I hope the pain will fade. I hope one day to loook at my wedding video and see him talking or look at his pictures taken with my kids but I haven't achieved that yet. It feels too soon.

If anyone has any suggestions of what I can do to ease what will be a painful event on the 19th Nov would be great as I am dreading it.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Love Ruth

[sandlin]

You'll be fine as a birth partner. Will give yousomething to focus on. Just remember to eat and drink regularly as its usually hot. Think of the new beginnings the birth will bring. linda