Hitting the bottle again...

[LockedShut]

I quit drinking when I was 17. I was a horrible drunk. Nearly three years later and here I am, feeling that tingle in my veins. The booze is kicking in.

I think me drinking right now would greatly improve my day. I'd get the cry which I've been trying to do but it just wont happen. And I can make myself sick with a horrible hangover... and there's my diet started. It's wrong, I know. But I'm so fat. So miserable and wrong.

Fortunately we have a drinks cabinate full of scotch downstairs for when my vermouth runs out.

I hate my life. I can't change it. Can't improve upon on. Can't kill myself. So I'll drink. Play some sad music and just feel crappy about myself.

And I'm saying this not for sympathy, and not really for supoort, just so someone knows that I'm in trouble. No one knows me. Family and friends. They only care if I'm being 'happy Eloise'. That little, fat Barbie doll they pick up when they like and throw down when I kill the happy mood.

I wish I had a friend to drink with. One of you here with me, to drink martini's with and moan and cry. I could do with that. No one else to turn to.

Cheers, darlin's.
xo

[Sue K with 5]

Wow thats one hell of a post !!

You are obviously a very unhappy person who feels their life has treated them unkind.

I have lived with people who drink, I was married to one, my step mother was one and my father current girlfriend is another. It killed my stepmother, she ended her days in a hospital bed with liver disease.

Somehow I get this feeling you want something better for yourself, I get the impression what your asking for is help.

Family and friends cant help you eloise, only you can do that and you need to first of all be sober to seek the right kind of help. Family and friends can support you though and coming here is a brilliant start to rebuilding your life again.

Nothing is out of reach Eloise including your recovery, you have issues with drink but your not past help. You have options such as your GP the AA anf other organisations which offer 24.7 support for Alcohol and drug missuse. I am sure you will also find some great links via the forum to help you and give you an insight into other sufferers who have experienced these feelings you have.

I dont drink, I dont understand people who do to be honest and I have never done drugs only prescribed ones, but I do know how depression can make you want to hurt yourself and how damaging to your confidence and self esteem.

Crying is something you need to do but this will come in time as you are able to open up and be honest and trust me when i say when its starts it will be like a tap stuck have faith and dont give up on yourself and make some noises You need some help Eloise


I am sure in time this will all pass


sue

scknight

[mooks]

alcohol..mmm...difficult one specially living in UK as its our culture isnt it...
my illness over 10 yrs had had me hiiting the wine coz that brief spell of happyness sillyness..and not being me helps...
I only drank a few each night but then (specialy being on meds) it makes you feel worse ...you get in a circle that you need the drink to feel better but it (days after specially if you dont drink for a few days) makes the depression and anxiety worse...
the temptation is to drink again(like I said just when your out or in the evening)...your desparate to be normal..its alomost a craving ..which again I think is the Meds and Anxiety doing it...

My point is as said...it needs to be broken the cycle ... seek help to the troubles and learn to just have an odd drink to be socaible no rely on it to get you through the crap...

I may smoke more when Im anxious..but it doesnt interfer with my Pych

Please ask for help...one of us drinking with you wont help either of us..but all us here know what agnst all of depression can cause

[Melxxx]

Hi Eloise,

I can only reiterate what the other posters have said to you, I started to drink when I first had my panic ok it was nothing major just a couple of glasses of wine at night but what worried me it was every night and I started to look forward to it to much. I was worried that the two glasses would become three than four so I stopped It never helped my panic it just made it worse the next day. I think in your heart of hearts you know it’s a slippery slope and this message was a cry for help Please Eloise go to doctors and tell him or her how you feel and get help you need and deserve.


Mel xxx



The kindness we extend to others in their their hour of need will return to us at the time we most need it.

[LockedShut]

I'm having trouble getting through each day.

I've heard other depressed people say that they can't get out of bed, they have nothing to get out of bed for. And for the first time today, I truly felt that. I was in bed thinking "apart from plucking my eyebrows, who would even care if I spent the day under a duvet". My parents wouldn't care. They wouldn't even know. My friends... heh, yeah... like they'd care. My day went downhill from there.

I miss my old life, my old friends. I was popular, thin, pretty. Man, it was only a year ago. I put on two stone, almost, in two years. I am down to my last official friend, no love life, parents are on at me every day "why no job? when are you leaving?". Last night I dreamt I left home just because they wouldn't stop asking.

Maybe I should fake my own death and make a new life in the Caribbean...

I've stopped drinking now, and walked off most of the effects. I need help. I know that. But I'm so tired. So sick and tired. I tried to get help. I got no replies from the therapy place, my meds aren't working. I'm going to bed now before I get worked up, I've calmed myself down now.

Thank you, all of you, for the replies...
xo
xo

[mooks]

what meds are you on babe????

What happened in the year to make such a difference .............perhaps you can seek out some counselling

[LockedShut]

I'm on 5mg cipralex right now. Was on citalopram. 5mg doesn't feel like enough to me. Doesn't seem to have done much so far. If anything I've been worse, spending more and more time in bed...

I do think I need councilling but no one ever got back to me about it.

[mooks]

Bless you...its so hard to get help..you need to really stand up to your GP...
I can't advise you on Meds as we're on different ones so maybe some one who is on the same as you can advise...But 5mg does seem a little low...if nothing works after 5 weeks onwards go back to your GP and get him/her to review it..Its a battle one I know you have to make as alot of people really dont understand ...
Ive just fought very hard with My GP to get a psychiatric evaluation as im not happy after all these years that illness is back with a vengeance...but I had to be really extreme with him and say I was worried for my safety etc...sometimes its a last resort just to get NHS help

[Melxxx]

Hi Eloise,

Sweetheart I know that duvet feeling only to well all I wanted some days was the comfort of pulling the covers over my head and to stay there I knew it was the wrong thing to do because all we do when we lie there is think.

Eloise could you not write down how you feel and show it your doctor tell him what you have told us and how hard you are finding it to get through each day. I think if they have it in black and white in front of them it may make them move a bit faster with your therapy.

I am always around if you need a shoulder just PM

Melxx

PS Eloise what a beautiful name.







The kindness we extend to others in their their hour of need will return to us at the time we most need it.

[keepemlaughing]

Eloise,
Hey hun, i wrote this earlier to a new friend on here. it sounds like you and i have a lot in common:You are right about the anxiety issues. I am usually so positive, but as of late and since I acquired my 6 year old granddaughter to add to the other two (7 & 9) I have had a very fatalistic attitude. I see my schedule as a monotonous never ending series of duties. I am 48, single, and working full-time. I should be FREE from more responsibility!! I pictured myself at this age, relaxing having a margarita at home with the hubby. Then…..I developed and addiction to alcohol and extra curricular drugs. I stopped drinking for 8 years in the 90’s, but continued to experiment with cocaine, weed, and eventually had a full blown addiction to smoking crystal meth. That continued off and on for the next twenty years. I let a great education, a not so great marriage, my Acura, my home and everything else important to me go bye bye. I finally hit bottom two years ago and began intensive outpatient therapy. I completed the classes with flying colors and then my granddaughters and I moved into a series of sober living homes. I worked my way up to the house mother of a home for men in recovery. In the mean time….I applied for a job at the college and even though I know that there were many applicants with more up to date work experience, I got the job. I know that it was because of the intense amount of prayer from my church and women’s bible group. My pastor’s wife prayed over me that the college would know that I was the perfect person for the job and that I would know it also. So here I sit one year and 5 days later with a great job. I also went back to school while working full-time and got my AA degree this past summer. Due to the great job, I was able to rent a little duplex for me and the girls and take over the payments on my mom’s beautiful 2000 Sable. Oh yeah, and purchase my little demon dog, Abu. (a Chihuahua) So my life should have been set for success and happiness right.
Wrong, like most people who are plagued with depression…I screwed it up. Not completely, thanks be to God, Where I moved to there are neighbors who love to sit outside at night and have a beer or two, and smoke a little weed. I, wanting desperately to “fit in” decided “hey one or two beers want hurt”. The one or two quickly escalated to more and before you knew it I had relapsed on meth as well. I am not talking about a full blown relapse here. I tried the meth twice and that was enough to make me suicidal. I never want to see the stuff again. And you want to hear something totally heartbreaking….my 23 year old daughter gave it to me both times. Both of my girls took after Mom….screwed up emotionally and mentally. All this led up to my breakdown on October 9. I flipped out and tried to “run away”. I loaded up the three kids, the dog, a plant, and as many pillows and blankets I could get in the car and took off driving. I drove a total of 500 miles that day before pulling into a hotel to check in. I called my boss crying, both physically and mentally exhausted. She told me to just stay there over-night and try and rest and to take the next two days off to seek help. I came home the next day so ashamed and embarrassed by my actions. I guess I made quite a spectacle of myself in front of the neighbors as I was preparing to leave. I made an appointment for two weeks later with a brand new psychiatrist. I know that part of my problem was that I had stopped taking all meds. The last one was making me crazy. So on Oct. 23, I saw the doctor who agreed that I appeared to have the symptoms of bi-polar. BECAUSE I said I did. He put me on the Lithium and Seroquel. For the 1st two weeks, I was so jazzed that maybe I had found the “cure”, that I felt on top of the world. A week after that I started feeling so weird and retaining so much water that I felt almost as bad as I had before the meltdown. The doc said to stop the Lithium and see him next Wed. So that brings you up to date. I doubt that there is a special “pill” to help with the anxiety and depressi

[Ness]

My thoughts are with u babe :)
Although we all experience different symptoms and react to things differently, I know how you feel, and i myself often struggle to get out of bed, and have been known to drink/self harm to rid myself of my sorrows. And believe me, people only like me when im the happy person they all want to know, otherwise they just want to run away from it all lol

Just dont ever give up! You'll get there and you have a lot of people to support you on this sight.

Love Ness x0x0x0x0

[Chopper]

Eloise,

Don't do yourself down girl, you're gorgeous .... "top totty" as my teenage son would say!:D

Liking a drink when you're 19 isn't a crime, if you want a martini, have a martini. Would you feel happier with or without a drink?

I'm not suggesting you get rat#%*ed every night (even gorgeous 19 year olds can look rough on the booze!) but enjoy yourself.

Just think, what were you like five years ago? Just a kid with lots to look forward to? What will you be like in five years time? Still just a kid with loads to look forward to!

I'm only 41 but if between your age and mine I've lived a dozen lifetimes, some good, some not so good, but I've seen and done so much that the next decades are, I keep telling myself, going to be even better than the last couple.

Keep well darlin'
'Chopper'

ps. Happiness and light to all.

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

[Acciaio]

"So I'll drink. Play some sad music and just feel crappy about myself."

Hah, funny that use to be my favorite hobby too! :D
The important thing to remember is you're strong, and you are surviving. You recognize you shouldn't drink, and you're already working on it. I'm honestly impressed. It took me a lot longer. Don't feel bad to unload on here every now and then. We're all in the same boat. ;)

[Nel]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I was in bed thinking "apart from plucking my eyebrows, who would even care if I spent the day under a duvet". My parents wouldn't care. They wouldn't even know. My friends... heh, yeah... like they'd care. My day went downhill from there.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LockedShut - 15 November 2006 : 19:39:10</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

You've recognised where it started to go downhill. Depression of any degree (moderate to severe) is always at it's worst in the morning. For the next few days, as soon as you wake, have a stretch and get STRAIGHT up. Don't give into temptation to lay there.

Nel xxx

[LockedShut]

Thanks for all the support and advice. I'm trying to keep active but this lazy side of my brain keeps saying "what the hell, go back to bed..."

My doctor told that I'm pretty much not allowed to drink anymore, as when I drink I skip taking pills and that's baaaaad! It's been reenforced by a medical professional so I wont do it any more... naughty, naughty, bad Eloise! :D

I've been good. Trying to keep busy. I like to make lame graphics and icons in Photoshop in my spare time (like those on livejournal) and put 'em on my website. I've been a bit behind lately on that, so I'm throwing myself into it. And I'm going to start writing again... too much pent up in my head that needs to be put on paper... so all is good at the moment. Apart from needing to sleep after only 4.5 hours last night and an exhausting day... And wouldn't you know it, now I can't get to sleep!

Anyway, thanks again
night all
xo

[LockedShut]

By the way, Chopper, thanks for calling me gorgeous!

*feels head/ego bloat to gigantic proportions* :D

xo

[MelanieU]

Many GPs now refer to heavy drinking as self-medicating, in other words trying to blot out the pain of other problems and it is very hard to quit as it just makes you feel numb - until of course it then starts to make you extremely ill indeed.