One year anniversary.... Tough day

[scrumking]

So today is the one year anniversary of the day I lost one of the most important women in my life to a brain aneurysm. My grandmother who essentially raised me was taken from us in such a brutal and sudden way shortly after I began this terrible journey of HA. Before I could recover from that we lost my father in law after a seven month battle with cancer and shortly after that I lost the women I called my second mom to a pulmonary embloysm in her sleep. 2013 was the toughest year of my life.

Last night I had a very vivid dream of a ghostly male figure all I saw was his face and he uttered these words "death is coming".

So this morning instead of celebrating my grandmothers life and thanking god she is in a better place free from pain I am crippled by the fear that today, the same day she died will be the day I die as well.

[Fishmanpa]

You know Scrum.... Lately, you've posted several threads concerning suicidal thoughts. One cannot help but see this as a desperate cry for help. At the same time, one feels totally helpless as this is an internet forum and there's only so much a post and words on a screen will do.

It's my hope and I'm sure the other member's as well, that you immediately seek help and intervention for what you're feeling. Truly, it would be best for you. Contact a help line or go to a clinic/hospital where someone can help.

Positive thoughts and prayers

[scrumking]

Fishman

I'm sorry but you are way off base how could anything I have said be a suicidal thought the fact that I am scared to die should be an indicator of my wanting to live. No where in any of my posts did I mention the will or want to die in fact on my above post I said I was crippled with the fear of dying.

---------- Post added at 08:45 ---------- Previous post was at 08:41 ----------

I also understand and appreciate your wanting to help but as you have said many times you don't have anxiety issues so without experiencing what many of us do on a daily basis I find it hard to believe you have any idea what we are going through as you are merely on the outside looking in. That being said I think you bring a lot to this forum and I know you have helped many people including myself at the beginning of this journey of mine and I truly appreciate it but you also have to understand and realize we have bad patches where are anxiety consumes us

[Fishmanpa]

Fishman

I'm sorry but you are way off base how could anything I have said be a suicidal thought the fact that I am scared to die should be an indicator of my wanting to live. No where in any of my posts did I mention the will or want to die in fact on my above post I said I was crippled with the fear of dying.

---------- Post added at 08:45 ---------- Previous post was at 08:41 ----------

I also understand and appreciate your wanting to help but as you have said many times you don't have anxiety issues so without experiencing what many of us do on a daily basis I find it hard to believe you have any idea what we are going through as you are merely on the outside looking in. That being said I think you bring a lot to this forum and I know you have helped many people including myself at the beginning of this journey of mine and I truly appreciate it but you also have to understand and realize we have bad patches where are anxiety consumes us

My Bad...Fair enough... hope you find a way to control the dragon.

Positive thoughts

[cattia]

I don't believe that dreams are meant to tell us the future, I think instead that they reflect thoughts, anxieties and knowledge that we have inside us, often on an unconscious level. It seems most likely that your dream reflects your anxiety that you will follow your loved ones to death. Of course that will happen to us all one day, but not yet! Have you had any sort of counselling or support to work through your feelings about losing so many loved ones?