HOCD Getting out of control. Or am I just fooling myself and am I really gay?!

[Shadowking58]

I just started getting this HOCD recently and it's been killing me, I rarely enjoy what I used to whenever it's on my mind. It started last year late 2013 when I started getting small gay thoughts in the back of my head when hanging out with some friends, I was able to keep it at bay for awhile, but eventually, It started getting bigger and bigger, now I can't look at a guy in public without thinking "Oh he's cute" or sometimes my mind will even wander to a desire to perform gay acts on guys, I've been getting headaches from it ever since then, and the few moments where the HOCD isn't affecting me, while short lived, make me feel attracted to girls again, even though they don't arouse me as much because of excessive, well, you know, masturbating. Anyway, I get off to gay porn to an extent, but I never wanted to do it. Now HOCD is taking over my mind, even when I've liked girls all my life. (I even got close to having sex with one of them at around 13 yrs old. Thank god I didn't do that.) I still feel like I'm not gay, yet when the HOCD fades away, the gay thoughts remain. It's like a neverending cycle to me, and I hate it. Even If I do have these constant gay thoughts without the HOCD (Which would show that one leans primarily in that direction when it comes to the sexuality) I still feel no attraction towards guys at all, so I'm wondering if this is still the HOCD and I only THINK that I got rid of it. I just want all this to end!

Now, it has only gotten worse. I should mention that during all this, I never got aroused by any women. ANY. No matter how many I looked at or naked or not, they never got me going. However, on the contrary, looking at guys bodies never got me off either.

I know for a fact that I am straight. But I do have a small lingering bicuriosity, but that's all it feels like, however, the OCD blows it out of proportions. I know I have OCD even though I haven't been diagnosed with it. Because I have a lot of the other symptoms. HOCD just starting recently and adding to that, as I said. Today I still have all these gay fantasies mentioned before, but they still don't mean anything to me. I really feel it's just my bicuriousity being blown out of proportion by the OCD. A few minutes ago was some of the worse moments of my life. I just woke up from a nap and ended up looking at pictures of women completely naked to reassure myself, I couldn't help it. However, I didn't feel any ounce of arousal, like usual. When I realized that, I just looked up guys naked as well, nothing there either. I still feel like I really just want these thoughts and fantasies to go away so I can love women again. But then, I found a forum linking to a movie called "Prayers for Bobby" which was about a guy finding out he was gay. I felt really anxious during the entire movie, I couldn't shake this fear that I'm really gay. And after the movie was over I believed that I was actually gay. I suddenly thought that I was going to kill myself if it came to that, as I can't live with myself being gay. I'm just so scared, And now that I'm posting this. I can't deny that I don't have any attraction to men. However, The recurrent doubts are making me believe that I really am gay. The movie didn't help at all either. It only made it worse! Even If I really am not gay. My HOCD itself along with the curiosity taking over my mind is really making me want to kill myself anyway, I absolutely hate dealing with this disorder anymore, I just want it to go away so badly, much more then ever now. I'm so scared and I just wish I never had to live with all this pain. I'm hoping to god that this is really HOCD, as the doubt of not being diagnosed with it is also scaring me. Please, I just want to know if this is real HOCD, and that I'm not just exaggerating. I also want to know what I can do to live with it. The fact that I also do the same repetitive routine every day is not helping either. :scared15: :emot-crying: :emot-crying: :emot-crying: :emot-crying: :emot-crying:

[PanchoGoz]

It is of course HOCD because you are so worried about it.
If you are gay, the only problem is the problem you make of it. We live in a very tolerant society now and if you were free from the obsession you would find you wander back to solely women or men or a bit of both, whatever your mind fancies. You can fancy who you want, nobody will judge you. Your mind is under stress from being examined by your anxiety and doesn't know where to turn.
Why could you not live with yourself if you were gay? I don't know any gay people who feel like that or have said they have ever felt like that, most seem very self-loving people so I think that is your concentrated fear.
Everyone has a little curiosity over the same sex in life, for some people its a whole phase they go through, and we can all find the same sex attractive, I see girls and contemplate how they are beautiful and how I would like to look like that and, dare I say it, wonder to what it would be like being their boyfriend. Wierd? No, it's just what the mind does,me contemplating my place in the world compared to others. It's only weird because you are scared of it.
A couple of things are confusing me though, you say you get off to gay porn? Why are you watching gay porn? In fact please don't look at any kind of porn if you care for your soul. Also what is this repetetive routine you mention and how does it relate to your OCD? Boredom of the mind? Can you change your circumstances so they are more fulfilling for you?
Acceptance is always the way forward with these things... you can't accept that being gay would be ok but you can't accept you're not gay either. You're stuck until you come to an agreement with yourself about a path to choose, not an easy task I understand with anxiety.
There are LOTS of other people on this forum suffering from HOCD and POCD they should be able to give you some helpful advice on dealing with it hopefully :)

[Shadowking58]

It is of course HOCD because you are so worried about it.
If you are gay, the only problem is the problem you make of it. We live in a very tolerant society now and if you were free from the obsession you would find you wander back to solely women or men or a bit of both, whatever your mind fancies. You can fancy who you want, nobody will judge you. Your mind is under stress from being examined by your anxiety and doesn't know where to turn.
Why could you not live with yourself if you were gay? I don't know any gay people who feel like that or have said they have ever felt like that, most seem very self-loving people so I think that is your concentrated fear.
Everyone has a little curiosity over the same sex in life, for some people its a whole phase they go through, and we can all find the same sex attractive, I see girls and contemplate how they are beautiful and how I would like to look like that and, dare I say it, wonder to what it would be like being their boyfriend. Wierd? No, it's just what the mind does,me contemplating my place in the world compared to others. It's only weird because you are scared of it.
A couple of things are confusing me though, you say you get off to gay porn? Why are you watching gay porn? In fact please don't look at any kind of porn if you care for your soul. Also what is this repetetive routine you mention and how does it relate to your OCD? Boredom of the mind? Can you change your circumstances so they are more fulfilling for you?
Acceptance is always the way forward with these things... you can't accept that being gay would be ok but you can't accept you're not gay either. You're stuck until you come to an agreement with yourself about a path to choose, not an easy task I understand with anxiety.
There are LOTS of other people on this forum suffering from HOCD and POCD they should be able to give you some helpful advice on dealing with it hopefully :)

I'm understand what your saying, and for one, I know I'm not gay because I have always loved girls. But since I had gotten this HOCD that attraction is pretty much gone. The anxiety has made me believe I was gay so much that I actually started to believe it today. I feel anxious whenever I get these desires, and I hate don't like them one bit. As I said. My curiosity is being amplified to make me think I'm gay when I know I'm not. But that's what OCD does, it makes you believe lies.
Anyway, the reason I wanted to kill myself if I was gay was because, my whole life, I wanted to have children with women one day, and love a women, and I can't live being gay. The part about my routine being repetitive is just something that is completely seperate from the OCD. But it bothers me all the same.

[PanchoGoz]

Maybe if you had more stimulation in your routine it would distract you from the OCD thoughts.
You seem to have a good understanding of the nature of OCD, have you spoken to your doctor about this? A therapist or counsillor could help a lot, even if it seems like an embarrassing subject at first.

[nikita]

I think don't even worry about being gay or not gay. Just worry about being you for a wee while and keeping healthy and happy. You are just stressed and that can do weird and wonderful things !

[Shaznayhawkes]

Hi. I have ROCD which causes me a significant amount of distress. However, from time to time I have obsessive thoughts that I'm a lesbian. These thoughts come out of the blue and are very difficult for me to accept. I've been with my partner for almost 10years and am very happy (although the ROCD would have me say otherwise!) so obviously having thoughts that I might be gay is very distressing. I constantly analyse my responses and reactions trying to prove or disprove my sexuality and find watching or reading about people who discover they are gay very hard as it causes me to feel extremely anxious.

Try to allow the thought to be there and not pay attention. If you were gay it wouldn't be so distressing for you. Almost testing yourself by watching gay and straight porn and other examples you gave will only add to the anxiety these thoughts cause so try to stop yourself doing it, although I do genuinely understand that this is easier said than done.

Hang in there!