My mother didn't love me.... But maybe she did?

[Tessar]

I've been trying to resolve issues I have with my mother from the past. Rather than think about the bad, I've been focusing on special times we spent together. just here & there we'd escape together & have a good day.
It would be really great to be able to describe my mother as a loving person & to feel her worth. I know she means a great deal to a lot of people (including members of my family). At one time she was my world & I felt totally reliant on her..
but I feel bogged down because I feel she didn't love me. I really would like to change that but I am not really sure how? I have worked on my self-esteem. I know I am loveable. I know many people do love me. But I am so stuck on the feelings I have about my mother.

I read something just now that has made me think of an alternative view. I am thinking "my mother didnt love me" and "how can I treasure memories of a person who didnt love me?". The memories bring sadness & pain to mind not happiness of something special.
But the article I read made me ponder. I am wondering if it was more like this......
My mother had a tough childhood. She lost her parents young & has terrible pain & sadness. She has never been able to resolve these feelings. I know her past has made it difficult for her in life.
Perhaps this isnt about me & whether i was lovable (or loved). Perhaps she did love me but didnt make me feel loved? Perhaps she didn't know how? Having loved & lost she couldnt bear to be close to people in case she lost them again? And lastly ..... I needed (& still need) more from her than she was able to give?

I really do need to resolve how I feel. Something making it harder is that my mother has dementia & a meaningful conversation isn't possible anymore. the last couple of months she has degenerated. In some respects if she wasn't around anymore or still involved in my life I feel I would probably resolve things more easily. Well, thank you for listening. If you have any reflections or things I could try, I am interested as I don't want to go on feeling like this :-)

[Annie0904]

I don't know if I have suggested this before but I will say it again... How about making a memories box. Write down every happy memory you have of your Mother and pop them into the box. When you are feeling down or 'unloved' you can open the box and look at the times you did feel love. The special times you had with your Mother...like places you went together..get some pictures of those places and put them in the box.
You know you could be right that your mother may not have known how to show love.
From your other posts I know that you lived in a male dominated family and your Father sounded quite strict and not so caring. Maybe your Mother felt intimidated by them the same that you did and this may have made it more difficult for her to defend you and show she cared.
I guess we may never know the real reasons but I do think it is important that you focus on the happy times you had and try to relive those experiences in some way and I think the memories box will be a good start to that. :hugs::hugs:

[Tessar]

You're right, annie, u have made the suggestion before & i have done it (sort of... As in only in my head). It will probably sound lame bit somehow writing it down doesn't feel the same as how I remember it in my mind, as if the writing bit is missing the emotions. Hmmnn that does rather sound like an excuse doesn't it......

This may also sound like an excuse but usually I associate a memories box with someone you loved and that has died? though I am sure I did (do) love her. I mean, she is my mother....!

Perhaps that is what i need to do then? Write it down properly not just dabble in my mind, but thing is, just reading how u suggest I do it, makes me feel sad. I mean really sad. But.. I promise I will. Not right now obviously but I will.

I must admit, I am only realising now how few things I have by way of possessions & stuff that remind me of her.

Thanks.... & I will do it.

[Annie0904]

I have memory boxes for my children so no it doesn't have to be just for people who have died. They are to remember their achievements and happy things they have done, things they have made etc..
I don't want it to make you feel sad though so maybe if it does then it may not work for you, I thought that maybe looking through it might rekindle the love (however small it may have been) and help you to feel it again. Remember as well that you are VERY worthy of love and there are a lot of people who love and care about you :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Tessar]

So, I saw my counsellor this week, we talked about how I feel towards my mother. I am realising now that having been pushed away so many times when I needed her, that even if she did love me.... She had issues of her own that stopped her from being there for me. My mother had traumas in her childhood. Things that leave scars in your mind forever and make it hard perhaps to show you care for someone. Even if that someone is her child.
So even though deep down I know she does care for me.... she isn't going to be able to show it. It hurts a lot to work this out but at least being able to talk to my counsellor and connect with her, I can relieve some of the pain I feel.
I also realise now that it wasn't ,m fault my mother couldn't display affection towards me. She didnt meaningfully withhold it. I am sure if she knew how I felt then (& still feel now) she would be very upset. But even if she knew this, she still wouldn't be able to give me the things I need.
I am certain this is why it's difficult for me to put my memories down on paper. The good ones that is. At least I know we did share some special days together here & there & perhaps when I have resolved the emotions I have buried deep in my mind, I will be able to look back & remember the good times in their own right.
At least I know I was not to blame :-)

[TelBoy]

Oh my GOD!! Listen sweetheart, don't even keep thinking about that all the time as to whether she loved you....Even people who think their mum loved them still might have been loved enough ( if you know what I mean )
but I wouldn't worry about whether she loved you or not, just be pleased that she gave you life and if you have others in your life who you know love you, isn't that enough for you? I think most people would be fairly satisfied with that.... as one of Queen's tracks say, one year of love, is better than a lifetime alone!! how true. Suffice to say... I do know where you are coming from, but don't dwell on those feelings otherwise you will just go round and round in circles in your head forever.

[Tessar]

Thanku TelBoy; I appreciate your input.
i wish i could be more cut & dried about it all but this tussle has been going on in my mind for decades. u r right about not dwelling on the feelings. i have tried not to but indeed they do go round and round in my head.
But the work I am doing with my counsellor is paying off. I am also reading a very good self-help book ... The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed; Jasmin Lee Cori. What she says in the book rings so true with me. It's really helping.
It encourages u to look into your current life & recognise where u r getting love and affection from. I am aware of situations where I do get what I need & that is very helpful. I have to rein myself in often or I end up seeking it too much which then becomes an issue,
I read some stuff in it about inner child work & that has been very interesting.
I don't plan to be stuck where I am forever. One day I'd like to be able to cherish my happy memories & not feel the pain associated with family life any more. I am progressing all the time so I do believe all this is worth it.
As regards not worrying about whether she loved me or not, i just want to resolve my feelings.
i've read other people saying about being pleased about your mother giving you life. I feel as if that doesn't matter to me. It's probably a bit arrogant to say this, but I haven't really connected to that side of things.
I do have others in my life who i know love me. Your question "Isn't that enough"? Well.... Since my mother fell ill recently, a load of dormant thoughts & feelings just keep coming back to me. I don't want to push them away or bury them any more.
I agree with the lyric "one year of love, is better than a lifetime alone" but that doesn't stop the longing. All she ever had to do was reach out to me. I know that there is evidence she loved me but its all stuff I have "worked out for myself". I want to really believe it in my heart. I will at some point, I'm just not quite there yet.