I wrote earlier but I need to talk to someone [Archive]

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ReissG

13-01-14, 03:49

I don't know how much I can get across that this HIV fear is destroying me, I mean it is sending to the verge of suicide, I have spent the entire day pacing my house, crying on and off, not eating, arguing with my boyfriend, contemplating how I want to kill myself, sweating, shaking and feeling so sick it hurts my entire body. I have never had a reaction to health anxiety like this, the first time I discovered I get health anxious it was bad, but this is unbearable. Suicide has on occasion been an intrusive thought that I've simply said "go away" to and it's gone, but never has it been like this.

I feel like I am going in and out of sanity, I am constantly checking different clocks, as if I'm waiting to die, watching my time go, I don't even realise I'm doing it until I've done it too much, I've been pinching and scratching at my skin leaving red marks everywhere and just not clicking, then later finding the red patches and telling myself it's a HIV rash.

I can't tolerate it anymore, I can't believe I was stupid enough to penetrate someone without a condom anally, I didn't even ejaculate inside him yet the thoughts are killing me, yes it was my boyfriend of 3 years but he had a few sexual partners before me and has NEVER been tested, he promised he used protection but what about oral sex? He has swallowed boys cum and I am scared he got it through that and passed it to me. I am being so selfish right now because I am not thinking about him, he has told me he knows we don't have it because he knows the risks and wouldn't do anything he thought was going to ever get us into a situation like this, but the reason I can't think about him right now is because that man is a soldier and no matter what life throws at him he will fight through it with no fear, but me, I am weak and if I got a diagnosis like this I wouldn't last an hour on this planet, I don't even know if I have it and I'm wanting to be dead, so if I have the disease and find out, I wouldn't last. It destroys me because I don't want to die, but all my life I have lived in fear of something and I am damn sick of it, I can deal with health anxiety when deep down I KNOW I don't have something, but this is something I can't confirm. My chances are slim to none, but to me that means 99.9% sure.

I don't know what to do, I can't turn to my boyfriend right now because he has the biggest day of his life tomorrow and I've caused him enough stress, this place is my last resort. Please, I just want someone to talk to because I am scared to be alone.

Thank you.

Leslie735

13-01-14, 04:24

I am sorry you are struggling so much with your health anxiety right now. It's hard, I know! I know this isn't what you want to hear necessarly but maybe you need to go get tested. The chances of you having HIV are extremely slim and a 100 people could tell you that but you'd be still be scared, which is understandable. When you wake up in the morning call your Dr. or health clinic and make an appointment. I think the results come in within a couple days. I'm sure all will be fine! :hugs:

JITTERBUG1

13-01-14, 06:04

I agree with Leslie, but I think you should both go in and get tested. Once you have your negative results, you will be so relieved and can go on with life with fresh eyes. I have also known a couple people with HIV and they live pretty healthy normal lives. They have had it for twenty years. Please don't be scared! I am sure you are fine.

Andrash

13-01-14, 08:06

Reiss,

Didn't it cross your mind that you can get tested too? Off you go today, book a test, and while you're waiting for the results try to ignore it and live a normal life. Even with unprotected sex, odds that you have HIV or AIDS are still very small, under 1%.

During the waiting period, if you become overcome by anxiety, come to this forum and we will do our best to calm your fears!

Fishmanpa

13-01-14, 12:52

RoseEve

13-01-14, 13:02

I agree that you should get tested for peace of mind. It's such a fast test now no waiting. I also want to point out that HIV is no longer a death sentence many people live long lives with HIV.

hheavenlyangel

14-01-14, 09:23

Your reaction... it is just how I get when I am at my worst. I have had many many health fears, HIV was one of them I had convinced myself that I had it, I went and got tested and nothing... I was fine. Just get tested, this is the only way you will know for sure and even if you do have something, its truly not a terrible thing to have these days. There are so many people out there who are affected who live perfectly normal lives. Don't be afraid, I know you are feeling utterly frightened but don't be afraid. No matter what you are going to be ok.

scared_ter

14-01-14, 16:53

Been thru a hiv HA issue twice.
I think I've a lot of knowledge on this, and the odds are hugely in your favour.
Without wishing to trivialise it, its not an easy virus to catch, thankfully so.
Get tested immediately, do an instant test. Any neg test is a good sign. Test again in 6-8 weeks and if its clear as I'm sure it will be, you are all good.
Best of luck.

Fly away Katie

14-01-14, 17:07

The best thing you can do is get tested. It's such a slim chance you'll have it anyway- but I know what it's like to be constantly worried about something- it's unbearable! The sooner you get a test and good results, the sooner you'll be able to relax again. Good luck! I, sure you'll be absolutely fine. Xxxxxxxxx