ReissG
13-01-14, 03:49
I don't know how much I can get across that this HIV fear is destroying me, I mean it is sending to the verge of suicide, I have spent the entire day pacing my house, crying on and off, not eating, arguing with my boyfriend, contemplating how I want to kill myself, sweating, shaking and feeling so sick it hurts my entire body. I have never had a reaction to health anxiety like this, the first time I discovered I get health anxious it was bad, but this is unbearable. Suicide has on occasion been an intrusive thought that I've simply said "go away" to and it's gone, but never has it been like this.
I feel like I am going in and out of sanity, I am constantly checking different clocks, as if I'm waiting to die, watching my time go, I don't even realise I'm doing it until I've done it too much, I've been pinching and scratching at my skin leaving red marks everywhere and just not clicking, then later finding the red patches and telling myself it's a HIV rash.
I can't tolerate it anymore, I can't believe I was stupid enough to penetrate someone without a condom anally, I didn't even ejaculate inside him yet the thoughts are killing me, yes it was my boyfriend of 3 years but he had a few sexual partners before me and has NEVER been tested, he promised he used protection but what about oral sex? He has swallowed boys cum and I am scared he got it through that and passed it to me. I am being so selfish right now because I am not thinking about him, he has told me he knows we don't have it because he knows the risks and wouldn't do anything he thought was going to ever get us into a situation like this, but the reason I can't think about him right now is because that man is a soldier and no matter what life throws at him he will fight through it with no fear, but me, I am weak and if I got a diagnosis like this I wouldn't last an hour on this planet, I don't even know if I have it and I'm wanting to be dead, so if I have the disease and find out, I wouldn't last. It destroys me because I don't want to die, but all my life I have lived in fear of something and I am damn sick of it, I can deal with health anxiety when deep down I KNOW I don't have something, but this is something I can't confirm. My chances are slim to none, but to me that means 99.9% sure.
I don't know what to do, I can't turn to my boyfriend right now because he has the biggest day of his life tomorrow and I've caused him enough stress, this place is my last resort. Please, I just want someone to talk to because I am scared to be alone.
Thank you.
I feel like I am going in and out of sanity, I am constantly checking different clocks, as if I'm waiting to die, watching my time go, I don't even realise I'm doing it until I've done it too much, I've been pinching and scratching at my skin leaving red marks everywhere and just not clicking, then later finding the red patches and telling myself it's a HIV rash.
I can't tolerate it anymore, I can't believe I was stupid enough to penetrate someone without a condom anally, I didn't even ejaculate inside him yet the thoughts are killing me, yes it was my boyfriend of 3 years but he had a few sexual partners before me and has NEVER been tested, he promised he used protection but what about oral sex? He has swallowed boys cum and I am scared he got it through that and passed it to me. I am being so selfish right now because I am not thinking about him, he has told me he knows we don't have it because he knows the risks and wouldn't do anything he thought was going to ever get us into a situation like this, but the reason I can't think about him right now is because that man is a soldier and no matter what life throws at him he will fight through it with no fear, but me, I am weak and if I got a diagnosis like this I wouldn't last an hour on this planet, I don't even know if I have it and I'm wanting to be dead, so if I have the disease and find out, I wouldn't last. It destroys me because I don't want to die, but all my life I have lived in fear of something and I am damn sick of it, I can deal with health anxiety when deep down I KNOW I don't have something, but this is something I can't confirm. My chances are slim to none, but to me that means 99.9% sure.
I don't know what to do, I can't turn to my boyfriend right now because he has the biggest day of his life tomorrow and I've caused him enough stress, this place is my last resort. Please, I just want someone to talk to because I am scared to be alone.
Thank you.