Change in reaction to scary situations, and fear of death reducing

[katesa]

Hi all,

Been a bit tied up lately so I haven't been around as much but I wanted to share this.

I was sent to the hospital due to very very severe left sided abdominal pain. I had to stay in the night which is a whole story in itself and not something I'd recommend.

Anyway, previously I would have thought I had colon cancer or something else deadly. This time I didn't diagnose myself.

After an abdominal x ray and a CT scan, I was diagnosed with kidney stones. Painful, but not deadly. Before, I would have said "But my symptoms don't exactly match what I've read on google about them so therefore it must be something else much more deadly". This time I just said "So, can I go home now?"

Another lady on my ward, who I became quite friendly with (we swapped numbers and are keeping in touch) was actually diagnosed with suspected early stage bowel cancer. Before I would have thought this was a sign that I too had something awful. This time, I didn't think I was the centre of the world and focused on comforting somebody else.

So basically, I think I am reaching the stage where I have a grip on my HA and it is the most amazing feeling. I feel so free.

And as per my title, my fear of dying is reducing week by week. I think it's because I am making the most of life, learning new skills, enjoying my husband and baby etc. So if I was to die tomorrow I wouldn't have as many regrets as I would if I was still spending my days symptom spotting and wrapped in my own fear.

I am still having psychotherapy but only every couple of weeks now. It has been invaluable for me in understanding myself. I've learned some CBT online which has also been a great help.

I'm not fully there yet but I don't think I'm far away.

[Fishmanpa]

Ahhh... the makings of a true Dragon Slayer!

I was wondering about you! Sorry to hear of your ER visit and K stones. You tell me, I heard that they are about as painful as giving birth, especially passing one. I happened to have an attack several years ago and it was indescribable. I'm sure they heard me scream two counties away when it finally passed!

Glad to hear of your progress. You're one of the inspirational members I speak of.

Positive thoughts

[katesa]

Aww thanks Mark!

I don't know if it was as severe as labour but it was just as intense, if that makes sense? I am on kick ass pain killers now and hopefully it will pass soon.

[AnxiousPansa]

Wow thats amazing!! Well done :D x

[cpe1978]

Hey Kate

Funnily enough I was just thinking about how you were getting on and was going to email you. So glad you are ok. Am just on the train to London for a couple of days with work so a dull couple of evenings ahead for me :)

I guess I am fairly similar to you in where I am at and although dont have quite such dramatic examples can sort of relate. So for example over the past few weeks my right side has sort of just felt funny. In the past it would have been MS or worse. Now it is - lets see how it goes and if it was anything dramatic I would cope.

Looked in the mirror at lunchtime today and my eyes are really bloodshot. In the last it would have been Dr Google an eye test and panic. Now it was 'shit what is that' - oh forgot to take antihistamine for a few days and was running my eyes yesterday. Or perhaps I am tired.

Success is about the relationship between stimulus (symptom) and reaction. Nothing more complex.

[katesa]

Hey Kate

Funnily enough I was just thinking about how you were getting on and was going to email you. So glad you are ok. Am just on the train to London for a couple of days with work so a dull couple of evenings ahead for me :)

I guess I am fairly similar to you in where I am at and although dont have quite such dramatic examples can sort of relate. So for example over the past few weeks my right side has sort of just felt funny. In the past it would have been MS or worse. Now it is - lets see how it goes and if it was anything dramatic I would cope.

Looked in the mirror at lunchtime today and my eyes are really bloodshot. In the last it would have been Dr Google an eye test and panic. Now it was 'shit what is that' - oh forgot to take antihistamine for a few days and was running my eyes yesterday. Or perhaps I am tired.

Success is about the relationship between stimulus (symptom) and reaction. Nothing more complex.

You are doing absolutely brilliantly mate and don't forget it.

I will e-mail you! And if you get bored you know my number.

[Pomchi]

Hi Kate,

Glad to hear you are ok and it was nothing serious.

Just thought I would post my reaction to "your post", if you follow. At the moment my fear is that I have bowel/colon cancer and have been thinking this for about 6 weeks. I have tried keeping a grip on it, and thought I was doing quite well. But then I read your post about the lady in hospital who had bowel cancer and...

I'm sure you can guess what I thought "IT'S A SIGN"!! In big flashing letters. I know how irrational this is, so why would I make such an immediate assumption?

It is due to my reaction that I have decided to leave this site for a while, as I find that quite often when reading the posts I am drawn to the cancer/bowel cancer ones (and there are a lot!) and it can make me feel worse than I did before looking.

It's weird because part of me wants to look for some reassurance, and the other part is scared to. Although I do think this site can be absolutely brilliant, for me personally at the moment it is making my "recovery" harder.

Just wanted to say thanks to you, Chris and Fishmanpa and Tanner. You are all inspirational and have helped me along the way. Hopefully when I get a bit nearer to where you are with my recovery I will be back, if only to help others.:)

[Andrash]

Hi Kate,

Glad to hear you are ok and it was nothing serious.

Just thought I would post my reaction to "your post", if you follow. At the moment my fear is that I have bowel/colon cancer and have been thinking this for about 6 weeks. I have tried keeping a grip on it, and thought I was doing quite well. But then I read your post about the lady in hospital who had bowel cancer and...

I'm sure you can guess what I thought "IT'S A SIGN"!! In big flashing letters. I know how irrational this is, so why would I make such an immediate assumption?

It is due to my reaction that I have decided to leave this site for a while, as I find that quite often when reading the posts I am drawn to the cancer/bowel cancer ones (and there are a lot!) and it can make me feel worse than I did before looking.

It's weird because part of me wants to look for some reassurance, and the other part is scared to. Although I do think this site can be absolutely brilliant, for me personally at the moment it is making my "recovery" harder.

Just wanted to say thanks to you, Chris and Fishmanpa and Tanner. You are all inspirational and have helped me along the way. Hopefully when I get a bit nearer to where you are with my recovery I will be back, if only to help others.:)

I was travelling back to Germany and in the middle of my ALS fear, and as soon as I disembarked from the plain and was entering the shuttle bus to the terminal, a large truck, with huge, green letters "ALS" (it's a big insurance firm) passed by. Needless to say, I felt very badly :)

Kate, you're one of the people who helped me first when I come to this forum, and I am really really glad that you're doing so well! :) I am fighting it and feeling better too-I still am an excessive health worrier and still get symptoms from time to time that scare me, but with the counseling and CBT I am on the right track and able to help some other members too-which, a month ago, clearly wasn't the case :)

[Worriedwellornot]

Great news Kate! That's such great progress. Lovely to hear

Fishmanpa has a name, who knew!

[Fishmanpa]

Fishmanpa has a name, who knew!

Yeah well... what can I say. My given name is Mark but most folks just call me "T" The "fishmanpa" is from my very first email account way back when dial up was the norm. Remember that? ;) I like to fish and I lived in Pennsylvania (PA).

Positive thoughts

[Worriedwellornot]

Ah I get it! Nice to know the back story !

[cpe1978]

You are doing absolutely brilliantly mate and don't forget it.

I will e-mail you! And if you get bored you know my number.

Actually i am not sure I do. I have come to the big city with only my work mobile. Am sitting in the bar of the Radisson at Oxford Circus wondering how long I can drag out this conversation with the bar maid. Life has really become that dull ;)

[Tanner40]

Hey there Kate. Good to hear how well you are doing. I think of you often and of all the inspiration that you've been for me. It's amazing how far some hard work and determination will take you, isn't it. Keep right on enjoying your husband and that baby!

[xBettyBoopx]

Sorry to hear about your physical problems and hospital stay, but am sure glad to hear that you are losing your fear. Keep it up!