Relationship problems

[JillQ]

Hi

Ive rejoined this group after a good few years. I have been agoraphobic 10 yrs and lived a life of reclusiveness. Last year I started to recover and pretty much Ive recovered now. I dont know how, I just have. Now I want to be out and not in. Its like I have 10 years catching up to do.

Last May I met a lovely guy who listened to me go on about my illness and the fact that Id just been diagnosed with diabetes too. He was very helpful and encouraged me to get a part time job too. I did that and am waiting to start it subject to police checks.

He then told me his wife had died last Feb. Not even a year ago yet. He was in the depths of grieving. We became councellors to each other. By the October I had managed to fall for him. I told him at xmas about my feelings as he seemed so depressed at the time, saying he wanted to quit his job etc. Unfortunately, he couldnt give anything back to me because he never wanted to go through that experience again. His wife was only 45 and died of heart failure very suddenly. She had been bi-polar and was insulin dependant. I think this is why he seemed to handle me so easily. So having witnessed her death at home the trauma had put him off another loving relationship. It was too early for him anyway.

We met whilst chatting on a local field walking our dogs. We would spend anything from an hour to three hours in the summer months with each other. We got to know each other pretty well. However, I never saw him much over xmas due to the floodings etc and when we finally did return to our local field he was aloof. It was as if he had never met me. He smiled at me but never came over like he always did. I would walk to him while he was chatting with other dog walkers. I had booked him for the 11 Jan before xmas to take me out somewhere as it was my birthday on the 4th and he couldnt make that week. After xmas I wondered if the date still stood. I beat myself up over the fact he didnt want to know me anymore and I was so looking forward to going out again.

Well, he did turn up and we did go out and it was all lovely. He treated me to lunch and we walked the dogs in a lovely country park. It all went well and he dropped me off after about 5 hours. That was the Saturday. On the Monday he was back on the local field but hardly said a word to me. I wanted to chat about Sat but he wasnt interested.

I have devoted a good 9 months to this guy, listening to his troubles and helping him with his grieving. Listening to him talking of his wife etc. At first, he was listening to me and helping me but since I found out about the wife dying I shut up about me. It seemed trivial.

Id love to be with him romantically but I dont know how to deal with people. Its all new to me. I cut off from everyone during my suffering. I lived alone and only had the computer to talk with people. I never went out.

I told a friend about this relationship and she just said maybe he doesnt fancy you enough. That made me feel like pooh. I just dont have the confidence to think that may be the case. I need some advice on how to deal with this awkward situation and so soon after feeling well again. All I want is a life now!

[gypcyg]

Don't be too disheartened if he doesn't like you romantically. Use the knowledge that you were able to talk to a stranger in a field until you became friends. That means you should be able to talk to anyone in any situation - so well done you!

You start a new job soon so you'll have more opportunities to meet new people. When you begin to socialise with your new colleagues you will have even more opportunities to find yourself a good man. You should be looking forward.

As for Mr Man in Field - what would've happened if you found out that you didn't fancy him but he liked you? Give us some tips on how we handle situations like that cos we men are clueless.

[JillQ]

gypcyg

I knew Id come to the right place when I came back here. I was browsing relationship sites and not finding any answers. They all seemed for youngsters and at 54 we are not in that category. As I had suffered from panic disorder and agoraphobia and he grief from the death of his wife. I thought of this site. Our situation was unique really.

I saw him tonight and our next outing is now in March sometime. He works all the time and finds his diary very full. I think he ploughed everything into work to absorb his emotional energy. I also think he is playing things very slow for which I dont blame him. Slow is good for me too. He was more talkative tonight too. He does seem to run hot and cold at times though and it makes it very difficult for "Mrs want to be out all the time"! I do have some great girl friends that Ive managed to rope back into my life but most are married and its difficult to get them to take me out other than coming around for a coffee or a quick shop at the local town. So my male friend is really important to me.

I would be so interested if any other agoraphobics have experienced this "wanting to be out all the time" lark once theyve recovered.

My husband left me in 1995 after being together 20 yrs. (10 before marriage and 10 yrs married) with two small children and it was so traumatic for me as I still loved him. He had an affair and ended up marrying her and is still with her to this day. Im over him now though but it took 7 years even though I was in other relationships. These relationships didnt last unfortunately.

After this I turned to my mum. She was widowed at 50 and lived on her own. I built a strong attachment with her and we went everywhere together. She was with me for all the annual holidays and we had the time of our lives and even a holiday with the kids in Florida. She then got breast cancer and died. This was 2002. I fell to pieces. She was my rock. Panic attacks started to roll in followed by agoraphobia. I was in a job at the time and had to give it up because I just went into panics too often. Thats when I became reclusive even suicidal. I couldnt even go to my daughters 21st party. Things were bleak. I never thought it possible to pull back up. I was on antidepressants for years. I was a zombie with no life.

The only outing I had during the time I was reclusive was the dog walk at the same time every day. It was very local and I could manage it. My dog was very special to me and even had my mums name. I would avoid other dog walkers and go the other way. At first I had no confidence and just panicked at the thought of being trapped with someone in conversation.

I became more confident with this activity over the years. I started to talk with people and made a few friends who I would see regularly. This evolved over more time and eventually I was talking to most dog walkers. This is when I met this guy.

Then with the help of my guy friend at the field I started to recover fully. I trusted him, he seemed thoughtful and understanding of my situation. You can see the rest from my other post.

Im all over the place with my thoughts. All this is new to me. How I got the job I dont know. I only went on a bus just before xmas. I feel like Im wanting to run before I can walk. Im worried I may suddenly go back down again. I frequently worry about the future. Im coming off benefits for the first time in 10 yrs and wonder if I will be able to cope with my new job. I over analyse everything and freak myself out.

The real world is a very stressful place but also a beautiful place too and I want to explore. I went to London on my birthday, scared out of my wits but thoroughly enjoyed it when I got there. Everything was amazing and so pretty and all lit up.

So you can see Im a little apprehensive about stuff and at the same time so excited to be alive again. I really feel like Ive been "born again".

People who dont know you may think you are this mad woman. I can be a little erratic and expect friends to drop everything for a coffee with me or me go to them. I want friends, boyfriends, outings and I want them all now Forever. Its so weird to feel like this and I dont want to put them off thinking Im some kind of mental case for ringing, texting them every 20 mins.

As for things being the other way around. If I met a guy and we got talking and I liked him for who he was, I would want to get to know him more. It takes me a long time to get to know someone who I can trust and feel comfortable with. Eventually if I liked him enough I would fall for him. Once a woman has done that the guy is pretty much home and dry ;)

If I didnt fancy him, I wouldnt give him the time of day. If I had to talk with him then it would be brief with no body language. I certainly wouldnt encourage him. If he was a friend of a friend I would acknowledge him but wouldnt give him too much attention. He would know exactly where he stood with me. I wouldnt want someone chasing me around that was futile. That would be evil. This could be just my way of thinking though!