Brother's Driving Me Crazy

[Tanner40]

My brothers have had no therapy and are quite dysfunctional. It took me years of therapy to break out of the dysfunctional dynamic that our parents created. Now that my Father is sick, dealing with my brothers is one big stressor that I just don't need.
My youngest brother texted yesterday that Dad has an appointment sat this coming Monday for setting up his radiation (marking, Gameolan, education, consent for treatment, etc...). Then he texted that a doctor had called and scheduled an MRI and a lumbar puncture for Tuesday. When I asked which doctor had scheduled the lumbar puncture and why it was scheduled, he couldn't tell me. They ask no questions at all as they don't feel the need to become aware or knowledgeable about my Fathers illness or upcoming procedures. Their attitude is the doctors know best and we don't need to question.
I read some about the chordoma, the Cyber Knife radiation nd the lumbar puncture. Googling about something that I don't fear having does not bother my anxiety.
Everything I read about the lumbar puncture stated that someone on anticoagulants should come off of them. The risk is doubled for someone taking heparin when having a lumbar puncture. My Dad is taking two different types of blood thinners due to having a heart stent put in two and a half months ago.
When I asked the question, my brother simple texted back, " STOP READING. WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW".
He tells me I'm not as smart as the doctors and I don't need to ask questions. I know that when there is a large interdisciplinary team of physicians working together, they don't always communicate. I just believe that we have to be our Fathers voice in this.
Any tips on dealing with an anti-social, bullying brother would be appreciated. He is making me crazy.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Good Morning, Tanner!

Well, the only thing that comes to mind is that you alone will have to be the voice for your father if this is something you feel is a role you can take on healthily. If your brothers are not interested or willing to participate in this way, then they can continue in the roles they have chosen, and you can choose if it is best for YOU and your father to take up communicating with the doctors solo and not worry about including your brothers. You do not need their permission or consent. They don't even need to be aware of the communication you are having with the doctors since they have made it clear they do not wish to be involved in this way.

My mother is currently fighting cancer and my parents do not ask ANY questions, nor do they allow us to be involved in the communication. I very much feel your frustration in this area! (My mom had a radical mastectomy two months ago, and the reconstruction is not healing. She is going in tomorrow morning for her THIRD attempt to do something that works. Needless to say, I am aching for her, and drawing on all my tools to keep the dragon from taking advantage of this time. Will keep up the prayers for you as I pray over my own mama.)

XOXOXO!

[Fishmanpa]

Hi Tanner,

Well... first off, texting is BS in my opinion. Pick up the phone and talk or argue if that's the case. Texting in an agitated state of mind only makes things worse. Believe it or not I didn't have texting on my phone up until last Saturday when my fiance' and I updated our plan that included it. I don't even own a smart phone as I believe they make people dumb ;) Speaking directly with your brother(s) face to face as well as on the phone will alleviate the issue of reading something into words on a screen.

I agree with you that you should want to and need to know about your father's illness. I take a blood thinner due to my heart too. I can tell you from experience that the doctors know full well what drugs your father is taking. Each time I go to visit my team, I have to fill out/update my drug list. When I was scheduled for surgeries, I was advised as to what and what not to take concerning my drugs. Rest assured they will not put him at risk.

You're going to have questions. Write them all down. Attend the meeting with a notebook or record the conversation. I had a ton of questions and to be honest, there's too much information and it all gets jumbled so take my advice concerning a notebook.

It's true, there is a "team" of physicians working "together" to treat your father. They are in communication with each other. I don't know what hospital your Dad is at but if it's a CCC (Comprehensive Cancer Center) or a hospital that is certified as a cancer treatment center they use a "team" approach. I can tell you my team at Johns Hopkins was on the ball! Everyone knows what's going on. Also, many hospitals, even if they're not a CCC use the same approach concerning cancer care.

Concerning the dysfunction? Obviously you've been dealing with that for a long time and it's not going to change. You're going to have to work around it and not let it get to you (which it obviously is). Easier said than done but what choice do you have? They don't want to know and are taking the "blinders on" approach as a self defense mechanism. Maybe they just can't deal with their father's illness, don't want to or a combination of the two. You're going to have to be your father's voice for the most part but at the same time put some trust in the doctors. Treating cancer is what they do all day, every day and they really do know what's best for him and they do communicate. They have to.

Being on the other side of cancer is almost if not worse than being the patient. I know. I saw what my illness did to my fiance'. Everyone deals with it differently. Hang in there Tanner.... the journey hasn't even started yet and you're going to need all your strength not only for your Dad but for yourself and your family. Feel free to write me if you need to.

Positive thoughts

[Tanner40]

Thanks Too Much and Fishmanpa. I'm sorry to hear about your Mother, Too Much. I know that you both certainly understand what I'm going through.

The texting is driving me more insane than probably anything. Both brothers are big texters and I would much rather have a face to face or a telephone conversation.

I definitely trust the physicians who are taking a part of this multiple-disciplinary team. I just want to be educated and know what to expect. I want to know which questions to ask and without some education, I wouldn't have a clue. I'm just going to have to find a way not to let my brothers make me feel angry or frustrated. You would think after dealing with them my entire life, I would be accustomed to it.

I have to remember that we each have to deal with this in our own way. My way does not always have to be right for them.

Thanks for listening.