harasgenster
16-01-14, 15:26
I was treated in therapy largely for the lifetrap of self-sacrifice, and feeling myself fall into the same old pattern after breaking up with my boyfriend (constantly worrying about him and wanting to do everything I can to protect him until my friend said - erm, shouldn't you be looking after yourself right now?) I looked for some inspiring articles.
I thought this was an excellent article on self-sacrifice and if anyone recognises their own behaviour in it, I can tell you from experience that doing exactly what it says here to help yourself can completely turn your life around:
http://www.tidewaterwomen.com/columns/well-being/recovering-from-self-sacrifice
Often it feels when you're self-sacrificing that any other behaviour would be 'bad' - you would feel guilty and undeserving of happiness if you were not to fiercely protect those you love from harm.
But actually, sometimes you're just projecting your own vulnerability onto others. You might think that so and so couldn't survive without you - you need to be there to help them and make sure they're ok - they may have more resources than you expect them to have and if you withdraw the constant mothering they might just get up on their own two feet.
Additionally: who likes being mothered?! I mothered my boyfriend to death during our relationship because I couldn't bear for him to be unhappy in any way and I'm at risk of mothering him after the break-up too. It's not helpful for those you're trying to protect, who need the opportunity to prove to themselves that they can help themselves, and it's not helpful to you because you often push your own needs behind you feeling that you would not be comfortable meeting your own needs if someone else is unhappy. Because it would just be so unfair wouldn't it? For you to be happy? When others deserve happiness and do not have it? That's how I usually feel anyway.
I've learned and am trying to remind myself that I try to stop anyone else feeling pain, and I try to soothe everybody, because that's what I really want for myself. I want someone to soothe me and look after me. But what happens is that you might not get that if you're self sacrificing. You might be with someone who seems needy to you, and they might not be able to give back: they might not be able to look after you in the way you want to look after them. After a while you become resentful and lonely, then you feel guilty for feeling any resentment at all, so you start to get angry at yourself.
Having been reminded of this due to my thought patterns today and realising that I need to keep myself in check and make sure I don't go down these familiar paths of taking care of others ahead of myself, I thought I should share the wealth here in case it helps others in the same position.
I thought this was an excellent article on self-sacrifice and if anyone recognises their own behaviour in it, I can tell you from experience that doing exactly what it says here to help yourself can completely turn your life around:
http://www.tidewaterwomen.com/columns/well-being/recovering-from-self-sacrifice
Often it feels when you're self-sacrificing that any other behaviour would be 'bad' - you would feel guilty and undeserving of happiness if you were not to fiercely protect those you love from harm.
But actually, sometimes you're just projecting your own vulnerability onto others. You might think that so and so couldn't survive without you - you need to be there to help them and make sure they're ok - they may have more resources than you expect them to have and if you withdraw the constant mothering they might just get up on their own two feet.
Additionally: who likes being mothered?! I mothered my boyfriend to death during our relationship because I couldn't bear for him to be unhappy in any way and I'm at risk of mothering him after the break-up too. It's not helpful for those you're trying to protect, who need the opportunity to prove to themselves that they can help themselves, and it's not helpful to you because you often push your own needs behind you feeling that you would not be comfortable meeting your own needs if someone else is unhappy. Because it would just be so unfair wouldn't it? For you to be happy? When others deserve happiness and do not have it? That's how I usually feel anyway.
I've learned and am trying to remind myself that I try to stop anyone else feeling pain, and I try to soothe everybody, because that's what I really want for myself. I want someone to soothe me and look after me. But what happens is that you might not get that if you're self sacrificing. You might be with someone who seems needy to you, and they might not be able to give back: they might not be able to look after you in the way you want to look after them. After a while you become resentful and lonely, then you feel guilty for feeling any resentment at all, so you start to get angry at yourself.
Having been reminded of this due to my thought patterns today and realising that I need to keep myself in check and make sure I don't go down these familiar paths of taking care of others ahead of myself, I thought I should share the wealth here in case it helps others in the same position.