spikenl
17-01-14, 13:17
I found this Forum after searching for death/health Anxiety. I really feel the need to tell my story. I hope i can find some related stories. Please if you find the patience, read on.
Since august 2012 i've been terrorized by anxiety.
My name is Jasper and i live in the Netherlands. I was born on the 29th of april, 1987.
My grandmother and mother both had anxiety in their life. When my brother was born my mother had anxiety, she worried about getting dizzy and developed a fear of driving. She never drove until she got a medicine for it.
My parents debated if it was a good thing to take another child (me), but eventually i was born.
I was born as an extremely sensitive kid. I was always concerned with others and occupied by helping others. i saw my mother's battle with anxiety and i made a pact with myself to never bother her with my problems.
I locked up inside. Because of this and my extreme sensitive side i felt anxiety as a very young boy. I remember being 7 or 8 and just feeling completely lost and trying to get myself together. I also had to deal with extreme ADD.
The positive side of being young is that you can adapt very quickly and i dealt with this problem all by myself.
So this extremely sensitive boy goes to high school, a bit overweight and crooked teeth. I got teased so much. I remember people punching me and i did nothing (like i said i was locked up and locked it all inside)
My parents never knew this and by the age of 17 i went to my parents bedroom and broke down. I told them i couldn't live like this anymore. All the teasing and thoughts i never shared about my anxiety as a kid had me severely depressed.
My parents told me they were proud i finally took on my problems and stood by me. I went to a psychiatrist to deal with the anxiety. I got medication to prevent anxiety and depression. They also gave me something for my ADD.
Couple of years pass by and by the age of 21 i was "healed". I had rewired my brain through sheer will. I did not feel any anxiety anymore. i changed allot since high school. I lost allot of weight and became very vain. People noticed me and i had allot of fun for years partying, enjoying life.
Then came 2011. I had started an relationship. This girl had lost her mother on drugs and alcohol and her father was chronic depressed. She was beaten by her mother and told all her life she was no good.
She trusted no one. She didnt trust me so she began to spun a web around me. I lost my friends and freedom because i told myself i could change her. I could fix her. (i saw her as my mother i guess) She was extremely jealous. If we walked the streets i needed to look down to the pavement because she would get into a rage if i looked at other people.
She also took my past and used it against me, telling me i was a nobody and nobody wanted me. She said it was no wonder i was overweight as a kid, i was a nobody for her.
I became very stressful, and everyday i felt butterflies in my stomach. I was scared when she came home. I didnt wanna leave her because i had myself convinced she would commit suicide and i could not handle that if that happened.
So, begin 2011, here comes august 2012. I had a new job in which i gave 200 procent. When i came home i had to deal with her and in my heart i wanted to leave.
I worked for 2 months and all of the sudden out of nothing, i felt my heart beat 200 times a minute. I felt down to the floor and felt a little dizzy. I did not feel my former anxiety, i was still strong. They called the ambulance i went to the hospital and got fired. The doctor asked me what i was doing here with this healthy heart and body.
Exactly one week passed, i was at home and drank some coffee. I looked outside and wondered what would happen if those heartbeats would come back right now.
And then it was like the dam broke. I felt this insanely intense wave of anxiety coming over me. I had myself convinced that i had a heart attack and i stumbled to the hallway where the neighbors called the ambulance AGAIN.
The ambulance checked me, i was totally fine, not even a fast heart rate. But nevertheless i felt this insane, crazy weird feeling in my body. Impending doom. I thought i was going crazy and die right there on the spot.
I told the doctor to please, please give me something to handle with this. She gave me pills to calm down which worked almost immediately.
The next year was an everyday battle not to die. The anxiety was there from the moment i woke up untill the moment i went back to sleep. My whole life evolved around the anxiety and panic.
Everyday i was scared to die. I compare it to someone punching in the gas pedal and the motor just going wild without stopping.
So, forwarding to now. The anxiety evolved in anxiety about death. I'm so scared about dieing, not being here anymore, the feeling of dieing. Everyday every minute im focused on my heartbeat. Right now i can feel it beat because om focused on it.
Crowded places are a no go. Im even more scared to get it around people.
I'm at my best alone.
Sometimes i feel like giving up and i don't wanna live anymore, but if i think about death it gives me anxiety again...
If you've read this, thank you so much. Typing my story felt good. Hopefully some of you have some tips or encouraging words for me. i sure could use them.
Thank you, thank you and excuse my English.
Since august 2012 i've been terrorized by anxiety.
My name is Jasper and i live in the Netherlands. I was born on the 29th of april, 1987.
My grandmother and mother both had anxiety in their life. When my brother was born my mother had anxiety, she worried about getting dizzy and developed a fear of driving. She never drove until she got a medicine for it.
My parents debated if it was a good thing to take another child (me), but eventually i was born.
I was born as an extremely sensitive kid. I was always concerned with others and occupied by helping others. i saw my mother's battle with anxiety and i made a pact with myself to never bother her with my problems.
I locked up inside. Because of this and my extreme sensitive side i felt anxiety as a very young boy. I remember being 7 or 8 and just feeling completely lost and trying to get myself together. I also had to deal with extreme ADD.
The positive side of being young is that you can adapt very quickly and i dealt with this problem all by myself.
So this extremely sensitive boy goes to high school, a bit overweight and crooked teeth. I got teased so much. I remember people punching me and i did nothing (like i said i was locked up and locked it all inside)
My parents never knew this and by the age of 17 i went to my parents bedroom and broke down. I told them i couldn't live like this anymore. All the teasing and thoughts i never shared about my anxiety as a kid had me severely depressed.
My parents told me they were proud i finally took on my problems and stood by me. I went to a psychiatrist to deal with the anxiety. I got medication to prevent anxiety and depression. They also gave me something for my ADD.
Couple of years pass by and by the age of 21 i was "healed". I had rewired my brain through sheer will. I did not feel any anxiety anymore. i changed allot since high school. I lost allot of weight and became very vain. People noticed me and i had allot of fun for years partying, enjoying life.
Then came 2011. I had started an relationship. This girl had lost her mother on drugs and alcohol and her father was chronic depressed. She was beaten by her mother and told all her life she was no good.
She trusted no one. She didnt trust me so she began to spun a web around me. I lost my friends and freedom because i told myself i could change her. I could fix her. (i saw her as my mother i guess) She was extremely jealous. If we walked the streets i needed to look down to the pavement because she would get into a rage if i looked at other people.
She also took my past and used it against me, telling me i was a nobody and nobody wanted me. She said it was no wonder i was overweight as a kid, i was a nobody for her.
I became very stressful, and everyday i felt butterflies in my stomach. I was scared when she came home. I didnt wanna leave her because i had myself convinced she would commit suicide and i could not handle that if that happened.
So, begin 2011, here comes august 2012. I had a new job in which i gave 200 procent. When i came home i had to deal with her and in my heart i wanted to leave.
I worked for 2 months and all of the sudden out of nothing, i felt my heart beat 200 times a minute. I felt down to the floor and felt a little dizzy. I did not feel my former anxiety, i was still strong. They called the ambulance i went to the hospital and got fired. The doctor asked me what i was doing here with this healthy heart and body.
Exactly one week passed, i was at home and drank some coffee. I looked outside and wondered what would happen if those heartbeats would come back right now.
And then it was like the dam broke. I felt this insanely intense wave of anxiety coming over me. I had myself convinced that i had a heart attack and i stumbled to the hallway where the neighbors called the ambulance AGAIN.
The ambulance checked me, i was totally fine, not even a fast heart rate. But nevertheless i felt this insane, crazy weird feeling in my body. Impending doom. I thought i was going crazy and die right there on the spot.
I told the doctor to please, please give me something to handle with this. She gave me pills to calm down which worked almost immediately.
The next year was an everyday battle not to die. The anxiety was there from the moment i woke up untill the moment i went back to sleep. My whole life evolved around the anxiety and panic.
Everyday i was scared to die. I compare it to someone punching in the gas pedal and the motor just going wild without stopping.
So, forwarding to now. The anxiety evolved in anxiety about death. I'm so scared about dieing, not being here anymore, the feeling of dieing. Everyday every minute im focused on my heartbeat. Right now i can feel it beat because om focused on it.
Crowded places are a no go. Im even more scared to get it around people.
I'm at my best alone.
Sometimes i feel like giving up and i don't wanna live anymore, but if i think about death it gives me anxiety again...
If you've read this, thank you so much. Typing my story felt good. Hopefully some of you have some tips or encouraging words for me. i sure could use them.
Thank you, thank you and excuse my English.