dino_80s
18-01-14, 12:24
Hi guys,
I'm new here. Didn't really know where to turn to. I'm lost about everything, can't believe we are in 2014 and this is what is happening to me. For anybody who is prepared to read this, I would appreciate your thoughts and comments.
Basically, I'm in my 20s but for a long time...since my early teens I've suffered from OCD and in recent years this has turned into GAD (Generalized anxiety) about most things. I never received any support for it, and I hid it from my family. I'm not stupid in one sense ( was decent academically and in an OK job now) but I'm definetly stupid or naive when it comes to certain things. I'm not really a practical person (not good with hands), have low-self esteem and can be easily influenced.
But, things really took a turn for the worst in my life when I was on holiday in 2010. I was out with my friends and some marijuana was offered to us. Knowing in the back of my head that it was not a good idea and it was not something I particularly wanted to do, I stupidly still want ahead and smoked some. Very shortly after this (and it probably wasn't the marijuana itself) all my fears and emotions began pouring out. I suffered a full blown panic attack, never been frightened like that in my life. I had a sense of doom, thoughts of death. But for some reason I developed the fear that the marijuana could cause me permanent damage, especially concerning my eyes. I was concerned about developing permanent hallucinations and I could not go to sleep because I was concerned about waking up blind!
So, I had no sleep that evening in a state of terror. And, in the morning I did realize something was indeed wrong with my eyes. I couldn't quite pinpoint it but something felt wrong. After we came back to the UK this problem persisted. Later on down the line I found out I had developed a convergence spasm with my eyes, a not serious functional problem which usually goes away by itself but does happen in 'hysterical' people. But it took a long time for the eye specialists to realize this, so in between appointments I was desperate trying to diagnose myself. So one day I took a picture of my face close up and the stupid flash momentarily blinded me. My eyes were further irritated but when I snapped out of it I noticed my eyes were blinking really fast! And weeks and months after this, this blinking had started to become more forceful spasms and it spread further down my face, neck, chest and it sometimes affects the lower half of my body.
Luckily I am able to control the spasms to a large extent (through postures, focusing on things etc), and most people don't spot anything wrong with me. But, my symptoms, the way they have gradually spread, and the way I control them are very suggestive of the neurological disease dystonia. I have been to the neurologist but because I control the symptoms so well he is hesitant to call it dystonia and says its probably a combination of tics and functional (in other words psychological) symptoms. It doesn't really feel like tics, and after doing my own reaserach I was horrified to find out that dystonia and OCD (the common repetitive aspect) actually stem from a similar problem in the brain. So basically I am screwed now.
I suppose what I want to ask everybody is......is this all my fault? It all goes back to that evening in 2010 when I smoked pot......should I have been more wise and just stayed as far away from weed as possible due to my anxiety problems? Should I just have stopped being so irrational when I smoked weed? I mean people don't usually worry about going blind when they smoke weed do they? Why couldn't I calm myself and just have gone to sleep?
Maybe then I wouldn't have developed the problems that followed with my eyes and now the rest of my body.
I'm holding it together just about.....but really I don't understand this.
I'm new here. Didn't really know where to turn to. I'm lost about everything, can't believe we are in 2014 and this is what is happening to me. For anybody who is prepared to read this, I would appreciate your thoughts and comments.
Basically, I'm in my 20s but for a long time...since my early teens I've suffered from OCD and in recent years this has turned into GAD (Generalized anxiety) about most things. I never received any support for it, and I hid it from my family. I'm not stupid in one sense ( was decent academically and in an OK job now) but I'm definetly stupid or naive when it comes to certain things. I'm not really a practical person (not good with hands), have low-self esteem and can be easily influenced.
But, things really took a turn for the worst in my life when I was on holiday in 2010. I was out with my friends and some marijuana was offered to us. Knowing in the back of my head that it was not a good idea and it was not something I particularly wanted to do, I stupidly still want ahead and smoked some. Very shortly after this (and it probably wasn't the marijuana itself) all my fears and emotions began pouring out. I suffered a full blown panic attack, never been frightened like that in my life. I had a sense of doom, thoughts of death. But for some reason I developed the fear that the marijuana could cause me permanent damage, especially concerning my eyes. I was concerned about developing permanent hallucinations and I could not go to sleep because I was concerned about waking up blind!
So, I had no sleep that evening in a state of terror. And, in the morning I did realize something was indeed wrong with my eyes. I couldn't quite pinpoint it but something felt wrong. After we came back to the UK this problem persisted. Later on down the line I found out I had developed a convergence spasm with my eyes, a not serious functional problem which usually goes away by itself but does happen in 'hysterical' people. But it took a long time for the eye specialists to realize this, so in between appointments I was desperate trying to diagnose myself. So one day I took a picture of my face close up and the stupid flash momentarily blinded me. My eyes were further irritated but when I snapped out of it I noticed my eyes were blinking really fast! And weeks and months after this, this blinking had started to become more forceful spasms and it spread further down my face, neck, chest and it sometimes affects the lower half of my body.
Luckily I am able to control the spasms to a large extent (through postures, focusing on things etc), and most people don't spot anything wrong with me. But, my symptoms, the way they have gradually spread, and the way I control them are very suggestive of the neurological disease dystonia. I have been to the neurologist but because I control the symptoms so well he is hesitant to call it dystonia and says its probably a combination of tics and functional (in other words psychological) symptoms. It doesn't really feel like tics, and after doing my own reaserach I was horrified to find out that dystonia and OCD (the common repetitive aspect) actually stem from a similar problem in the brain. So basically I am screwed now.
I suppose what I want to ask everybody is......is this all my fault? It all goes back to that evening in 2010 when I smoked pot......should I have been more wise and just stayed as far away from weed as possible due to my anxiety problems? Should I just have stopped being so irrational when I smoked weed? I mean people don't usually worry about going blind when they smoke weed do they? Why couldn't I calm myself and just have gone to sleep?
Maybe then I wouldn't have developed the problems that followed with my eyes and now the rest of my body.
I'm holding it together just about.....but really I don't understand this.