Sillius_Soddus
20-01-14, 19:00
Hi everyone,
I thought I'd post this here to get it off my chest. This is my current situation and thoughts, if you can relate to this or found it interesting then please let me know!
So, around 3 years ago when I was 17 I had my first panic attack. I had the classic symptoms of sweating, shaking, etc... but by far the most prominent was my heartbeat. It scared me so much how it was going completely mental, and how I could feel it basically all over my body to the point where it felt like it would burst. I got over the panic soon enough and returned to normal in a few hours, but for some reason, the whole heart thing stuck with me. I couldn't get over how it felt at the time. I was literally stood there preparing for it to explode or stop at any second. That fear didn't really leave me for a long time. I ruminated on my heart constantly to the point where I convinced myself that I had to think about it and basically feel/acknowledge every beat or else it would stop. I convinced myself that my heart needed my constant attention or it would not be able to cope. Basically, the reflex action that is my heartbeat seemed to me as if it was no longer a reflex. Facepalm...
Anyway, I went through various stages of anxiety and bouts of depression. I had tests done on my heart and all came back OK. I thought rationally and logically and eventually my genuine fear of heart-related health issues disappeared. I haven't had an anxiety attack since and I no longer live in fear of an impending heart attack or anything like that. However, the strange obsession about having to constantly pay attention to my heartbeat hasn't yet left me. For some reason, I seem to have hard-wired my brain to still believe, on a very subtle and discrete level, that I still need to consciously monitor my heart or it will stop. It happens subtly - I don't actively decide to stop what I'm doing and monitor my heart like I used to, I just ... feel it. It's just there. I can either feel it in my neck or my legs or my head as a sort of constant background noise in my life. I have recently become more conscious of this noise and I'm trying to stop it. Now that I've noticed it though, I am only just becoming aware of how much it's affecting me. It is a constant presence in my thoughts, it seems to affect my concentration in conversations and while I'm working. It is actually really distracting! I just constantly and subconsciously refer to my heartbeat a heck of a lot of the time. Sometimes it seems to be the most important thing in my life, and sometimes it takes a backseat, but right now, it's really getting in my way - I can't seem to concentrate on anything I'm reading, or anyone I'm talking to, because I am so aware of my heartbeat in a very OCD-like way. I'm just like 'I'll listen to one more beat then forget about it...' and of course, this strange process resets every few seconds.
Anyway, that's it - I'm gonna try and shift my concentration away from this and hopefully it will go away like my initial anxiety did.
I thought I'd post this here to get it off my chest. This is my current situation and thoughts, if you can relate to this or found it interesting then please let me know!
So, around 3 years ago when I was 17 I had my first panic attack. I had the classic symptoms of sweating, shaking, etc... but by far the most prominent was my heartbeat. It scared me so much how it was going completely mental, and how I could feel it basically all over my body to the point where it felt like it would burst. I got over the panic soon enough and returned to normal in a few hours, but for some reason, the whole heart thing stuck with me. I couldn't get over how it felt at the time. I was literally stood there preparing for it to explode or stop at any second. That fear didn't really leave me for a long time. I ruminated on my heart constantly to the point where I convinced myself that I had to think about it and basically feel/acknowledge every beat or else it would stop. I convinced myself that my heart needed my constant attention or it would not be able to cope. Basically, the reflex action that is my heartbeat seemed to me as if it was no longer a reflex. Facepalm...
Anyway, I went through various stages of anxiety and bouts of depression. I had tests done on my heart and all came back OK. I thought rationally and logically and eventually my genuine fear of heart-related health issues disappeared. I haven't had an anxiety attack since and I no longer live in fear of an impending heart attack or anything like that. However, the strange obsession about having to constantly pay attention to my heartbeat hasn't yet left me. For some reason, I seem to have hard-wired my brain to still believe, on a very subtle and discrete level, that I still need to consciously monitor my heart or it will stop. It happens subtly - I don't actively decide to stop what I'm doing and monitor my heart like I used to, I just ... feel it. It's just there. I can either feel it in my neck or my legs or my head as a sort of constant background noise in my life. I have recently become more conscious of this noise and I'm trying to stop it. Now that I've noticed it though, I am only just becoming aware of how much it's affecting me. It is a constant presence in my thoughts, it seems to affect my concentration in conversations and while I'm working. It is actually really distracting! I just constantly and subconsciously refer to my heartbeat a heck of a lot of the time. Sometimes it seems to be the most important thing in my life, and sometimes it takes a backseat, but right now, it's really getting in my way - I can't seem to concentrate on anything I'm reading, or anyone I'm talking to, because I am so aware of my heartbeat in a very OCD-like way. I'm just like 'I'll listen to one more beat then forget about it...' and of course, this strange process resets every few seconds.
Anyway, that's it - I'm gonna try and shift my concentration away from this and hopefully it will go away like my initial anxiety did.