drjrey
22-01-14, 11:39
Hey, everyone. My name's Jack, and I'm a recent graduate from one of the top liberal arts schools in the nation. I only mention that to hint at the fact that I have put a lot of genuine, thorough thought into this post (unlike some posts I have read), and that I will -- I think -- be able to accurately portray all of my anxiety-related concerns and issues, while also telling a decently interesting story of my recent, hectic, confusing life.
Anxiety. Boy, it has to be one of God's most cruel inventions. Throughout my time in college (I graduated in May of 2013), I suffered from a few panic attacks, but I never took the time to realize what was going on. I was a college football player, musician, and student, so I was often very busy. Whenever I would suffer through a panic attack, they seemed to have little effect on me, mainly because I was so unlearned on what anxiety was that my mind couldn't even comprehend that it was supposed to worry/freak out! I almost wish that was the case now.
Last spring, my friends and I went on spring break to Puerto Vallarta, where I made the immature decision to partake in drug use. Ecstasy and cocaine. Not a lot, but it was paired with a ton of drinking. Keep in mind, though, my friends and I were always heavy drinkers, being athletes, and it's part of the culture. So, 5 days of binge drinking with a little drug-use was no big deal. However, after doing those drugs the second night, I woke up the next day and began the worst day of my life. My brain had never felt that way before. I couldn't stop panicking, and I didn't know what I was worried about. I felt I was going to die. I knew I was going to die. Anyway, that fear has basically continued on to this day, just at a significantly less degree. I've learned to manage my panic attacks, so I suffer from them significantly less often. However, the looming fear that another one may happen keeps my mind in a state of constant fear. Since that anxiety attack, I have begun to suffer a number of strange symptoms, which I will now list:
1. Panic attacks
2. Perpetual full-body tremors, most noticeably in my hands. They shake at all times. This has only been going on for a few months and has me very concerned.
3. Cold hands and feed (poor circulation?)
4. Dizziness when standing up. I know people will suggest a new diet, but I am a health freak and eat often. It's not my diet or dehydration. Again, poor circulation?
5. Strange sensation in my tongue where it starts to feel very tight, as if I am going to have some sort of seizure and swallow my tongue.
6. Anxiety and a looming, perpetual fear of basically nothing for about a year now. I fear that I am going crazy and that, one day, I will no longer enjoy the things I normally do. On Christmas, for example, I feared I wouldn't be as happy and excited as I normally am to be with family opening gifts, and it kind of ruined the day.
7. Mild depression/confusion. Recently having graduated college and struggling with my career choices, fears of letting people down definitely add to the stress.
8. Ectopic heart beat. I had heart pain several months ago for weeks long, but I went to the cardiologist for an EKG and 24 hour monitor. Everything seems to be okay for now.
9. Overall, I just haven't been the "Happy Jack" (once my nickname) that I was about a year ago. I think very deeply now. It is as if this whole anxiety/concern thing has given me great perspective on life. I think about religion and death more than I do sports, politics, and money. I've left a career path in finance, where I'd obtain great wealth and materialistic success, and, instead, have pursued my love for music, where I will more than likely remain middle-to-lower class but will find happiness in doing what I love.
Basically, it seems as if my entire brain chemistry has changed and that I no longer think the same way I once did, only months ago. No one truly knows any of this about me. I hide it so well, and I fear bringing it up. My mom's sister suffers from a mental disorder, and my younger brother recently went through his own anxiety-related issues (he is all fine now, but had to take a year off from Princeton University. He, too, sees the world like I do, in that you should pursue what you love over what will make you money). So, I hate to bring the added stress of my mental-issues to my mom who has had to deal with so much already, especially when I'm the one in our family who is known for being silly and making the family laugh.
I did tell my doctor about my anxiety months ago, but played it off like it wasn't too big of a deal. He prescribed me a benzo, and after a few days of taking it...I don't want to say I was contemplating suicide, but simply the idea of it entered my mind. For example, I questioned what drives people to do it. The benzos also made me significantly less happy, so that, paired with my strange contemplation of the idea of suicide, made me throw the drug away.
What scares me the most is that there is a history of mental illness in my family. A cousin is schizophrenic and my aunt is "crazy." I don't think that is going to happen to me, but I think that my constant worrying that it might happen is making all of this worse...
To be honest, I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post. I know that I undoubtedly suffer from some sort of mental disorder. I am simply not as happy and confident in life as I once was. What scares me most is the physical symptoms, like the perpetual shakes and tongue sensation.
I think I am going to have a CBC done to limit my list of potential issues. Does anyone suggest any other tests? Any advice/suggestions/thoughts? I guess I'm just reaching out to hear what others have to say, and maybe to hear that I'm not alone, in one case or another. Thanks so much. I hope you are all doing amazing.
All the best,
Jack
Anxiety. Boy, it has to be one of God's most cruel inventions. Throughout my time in college (I graduated in May of 2013), I suffered from a few panic attacks, but I never took the time to realize what was going on. I was a college football player, musician, and student, so I was often very busy. Whenever I would suffer through a panic attack, they seemed to have little effect on me, mainly because I was so unlearned on what anxiety was that my mind couldn't even comprehend that it was supposed to worry/freak out! I almost wish that was the case now.
Last spring, my friends and I went on spring break to Puerto Vallarta, where I made the immature decision to partake in drug use. Ecstasy and cocaine. Not a lot, but it was paired with a ton of drinking. Keep in mind, though, my friends and I were always heavy drinkers, being athletes, and it's part of the culture. So, 5 days of binge drinking with a little drug-use was no big deal. However, after doing those drugs the second night, I woke up the next day and began the worst day of my life. My brain had never felt that way before. I couldn't stop panicking, and I didn't know what I was worried about. I felt I was going to die. I knew I was going to die. Anyway, that fear has basically continued on to this day, just at a significantly less degree. I've learned to manage my panic attacks, so I suffer from them significantly less often. However, the looming fear that another one may happen keeps my mind in a state of constant fear. Since that anxiety attack, I have begun to suffer a number of strange symptoms, which I will now list:
1. Panic attacks
2. Perpetual full-body tremors, most noticeably in my hands. They shake at all times. This has only been going on for a few months and has me very concerned.
3. Cold hands and feed (poor circulation?)
4. Dizziness when standing up. I know people will suggest a new diet, but I am a health freak and eat often. It's not my diet or dehydration. Again, poor circulation?
5. Strange sensation in my tongue where it starts to feel very tight, as if I am going to have some sort of seizure and swallow my tongue.
6. Anxiety and a looming, perpetual fear of basically nothing for about a year now. I fear that I am going crazy and that, one day, I will no longer enjoy the things I normally do. On Christmas, for example, I feared I wouldn't be as happy and excited as I normally am to be with family opening gifts, and it kind of ruined the day.
7. Mild depression/confusion. Recently having graduated college and struggling with my career choices, fears of letting people down definitely add to the stress.
8. Ectopic heart beat. I had heart pain several months ago for weeks long, but I went to the cardiologist for an EKG and 24 hour monitor. Everything seems to be okay for now.
9. Overall, I just haven't been the "Happy Jack" (once my nickname) that I was about a year ago. I think very deeply now. It is as if this whole anxiety/concern thing has given me great perspective on life. I think about religion and death more than I do sports, politics, and money. I've left a career path in finance, where I'd obtain great wealth and materialistic success, and, instead, have pursued my love for music, where I will more than likely remain middle-to-lower class but will find happiness in doing what I love.
Basically, it seems as if my entire brain chemistry has changed and that I no longer think the same way I once did, only months ago. No one truly knows any of this about me. I hide it so well, and I fear bringing it up. My mom's sister suffers from a mental disorder, and my younger brother recently went through his own anxiety-related issues (he is all fine now, but had to take a year off from Princeton University. He, too, sees the world like I do, in that you should pursue what you love over what will make you money). So, I hate to bring the added stress of my mental-issues to my mom who has had to deal with so much already, especially when I'm the one in our family who is known for being silly and making the family laugh.
I did tell my doctor about my anxiety months ago, but played it off like it wasn't too big of a deal. He prescribed me a benzo, and after a few days of taking it...I don't want to say I was contemplating suicide, but simply the idea of it entered my mind. For example, I questioned what drives people to do it. The benzos also made me significantly less happy, so that, paired with my strange contemplation of the idea of suicide, made me throw the drug away.
What scares me the most is that there is a history of mental illness in my family. A cousin is schizophrenic and my aunt is "crazy." I don't think that is going to happen to me, but I think that my constant worrying that it might happen is making all of this worse...
To be honest, I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post. I know that I undoubtedly suffer from some sort of mental disorder. I am simply not as happy and confident in life as I once was. What scares me most is the physical symptoms, like the perpetual shakes and tongue sensation.
I think I am going to have a CBC done to limit my list of potential issues. Does anyone suggest any other tests? Any advice/suggestions/thoughts? I guess I'm just reaching out to hear what others have to say, and maybe to hear that I'm not alone, in one case or another. Thanks so much. I hope you are all doing amazing.
All the best,
Jack