katesa
23-01-14, 14:54
Hi everyone,
First of all, apologies to the people I'm supposed to have e-mailed/pm'd (especially my friend Chris - I promised ages ago!). I've been up to my eyes with contracts and sofa's etc as we complete purchasing our new home and prepare to move.
As some of you know, I'm getting investigated for possible colon issues. I won't use the C word because my doctor certainly hasn't and I refuse to go there.
In addition to the symptoms that started it all, I have lost a lot of weight without trying - infact I'm eating loads! But my thyroid is overactive at the moment and that should be all the reasoning I need.
However, I had a couple of days where I gave in a bit to the dragon. I started asking my husband if thought lung cancer would be missed on the chest x ray I had a few weeks ago if it was advanced enough to cause weight loss. I asked him if he could feel lumps in my belly (despite the CT scan I had being clear except for the kidney stones when I was hospitalised).
After a lot of this he said "You're going down that path again. Please don't"
I said that I was just scared that something is hiding that will take me away from him and our baby. His response? "If you start that again then we do lose you, just not to death."
Man, I'm ashamed. I've stopped it now and refuse to give in again.
But the worst part for me is what a selfish SOB my health anxiety makes me. I remember how focused on myself I was. I remember ruining christmases, birthdays, holidays and even the first weeks of my sons life with my self absorbed crappiness.
It once made my husband feel less attracted to me. Who can blame him? He married a bubbly, vivacious, generous and thoughtful woman who became a hysterical mess and wallowed in her own self pity, who listened to random ******** on the internet rather than him or a doctor and who lived as though she had a terminal illness even though she was pretty much healthy. I would have left me, frankly. He deserves a medal for not doing so.
So after my little wobble I am pushing forward for all our sakes. But this self loathing won't shift. I wont let it eat at us, but it's there. In part I think I need it to stop me repeating the behaviours. But it's a bitter pill to swallow.
First of all, apologies to the people I'm supposed to have e-mailed/pm'd (especially my friend Chris - I promised ages ago!). I've been up to my eyes with contracts and sofa's etc as we complete purchasing our new home and prepare to move.
As some of you know, I'm getting investigated for possible colon issues. I won't use the C word because my doctor certainly hasn't and I refuse to go there.
In addition to the symptoms that started it all, I have lost a lot of weight without trying - infact I'm eating loads! But my thyroid is overactive at the moment and that should be all the reasoning I need.
However, I had a couple of days where I gave in a bit to the dragon. I started asking my husband if thought lung cancer would be missed on the chest x ray I had a few weeks ago if it was advanced enough to cause weight loss. I asked him if he could feel lumps in my belly (despite the CT scan I had being clear except for the kidney stones when I was hospitalised).
After a lot of this he said "You're going down that path again. Please don't"
I said that I was just scared that something is hiding that will take me away from him and our baby. His response? "If you start that again then we do lose you, just not to death."
Man, I'm ashamed. I've stopped it now and refuse to give in again.
But the worst part for me is what a selfish SOB my health anxiety makes me. I remember how focused on myself I was. I remember ruining christmases, birthdays, holidays and even the first weeks of my sons life with my self absorbed crappiness.
It once made my husband feel less attracted to me. Who can blame him? He married a bubbly, vivacious, generous and thoughtful woman who became a hysterical mess and wallowed in her own self pity, who listened to random ******** on the internet rather than him or a doctor and who lived as though she had a terminal illness even though she was pretty much healthy. I would have left me, frankly. He deserves a medal for not doing so.
So after my little wobble I am pushing forward for all our sakes. But this self loathing won't shift. I wont let it eat at us, but it's there. In part I think I need it to stop me repeating the behaviours. But it's a bitter pill to swallow.