Testing Day (Dark Thoughts)

[OntheVerge]

I'm really nervous.

Today I'm going in for my final hiv test...
I've been praying and crying a lot lately. My health anxiety eats me alive, I've convinced myself that I already know the answer I am going to be given...
I'm just afraid of what I'll do to myself when I hear it.
I'm very young, never been in a relationship (stayed a virgin bc I was afraid of ending up with something like this but managed to still fall short), I feel like I ruined my life based off of one decision & I wish I had protected myself a lot more and seen potential consequence.

I guess I just wanted to thank everyone who was kind enough to message me and offer me kind words at a time like this.
The few years I've spent on this planet I hope that I was impactful enough in at least one person's life. I hope I've taught at least one person to be smarter about their health and not to trust everyone who comes into their life.

I never thought I'd go out like this, I had so many dreams and aspirations inside of me but soon it will all be over.
Thanks everyone, stay healthy and blessed.

[Brunette]

OK, calm down. You are talking as if you are going to die tomorrow.

Even if you tested positive for HIV (and that's a very big if - the chances are you won't be) there are drugs that will keep the symptoms at bay. Very good drugs.

So carry on making plans and having dreams. Because either way you won't be leaving the planet for a long time yet.

[OntheVerge]

Thanks for the response Brunette.

I don't expect you or anyone to really understand where I'm coming from not knowing my history with depression/anxiety.
But I wouldn't go into taking medication (that's a personal affliction that I just have to live with) at all. I commend the people who are strong enough to live with this illness day in and day out... I'm just not one of those people.

Kind Regards,
OTV

[cattia]

OTV, I doubt you have HIV, but I read somewhere recently that people with HIV can now have a normal life span. Yes you would have to take medication, but if it meant the difference between dying soon and living the rest of your life then you would take it I'm sure. I am sure your test results will come back fine and then hopefully you can work on dealing with your anxiety.