So ashamed

[WhyWhyWhy]

I'm sat here ashamed. I absolutely hate myself.

I had an affair, I've never told a soul and my husband never found out. The guilt eats away at me. I hate myself and punish myself everyday and quite rightly so.

I don't recognise myself back then, I can't excuse my behaviour and my only reason for doing it was trouble at home. I'm a terrible person. It ended almost 2 years ago.

I'm sat here in tears AGAIN. I want to be able to open up to my lovely husband about how I'm feeling and how this anxiety is affecting me so deeply everyday. But I can't reach out to him for help when I'm guilty.

I'm so so alone. I can't cope, I can't tell friends and they would certainly judge me. I can't tell family as they've got their own problems.

What can I do? I'm driving myself insane :weep:
As soon as I wake up I'm feeling the doom over me, not an hour passes when I don't remind myself how lucky I am and how undeserving I am of everything I have.

[bigh123]

there must have been a reason you decided to have an affair. If you were happy you probably wouldve stayed faithfull so there mustve been an underlying issue in your relationship to cause you to go ahead .
my wife and i don't see eye to eye at the moment and everytime we hit a rough patch the thoughts of other women enter my head . This never happened when we were happy .

i doubt your husband would thankyou for coming clean , don't beat yourself up over it take it as a "life lesson" . As i say its not entirely your fault it happened .

---------- Post added at 13:15 ---------- Previous post was at 13:13 ----------

id say try talking to someone that doesn't know you , i chatted to a wellbeing practitioner about my fears and anxieties ? I found this helped me with my anxiety issues

[Annie0904]

The fact that you have written this and from how you are feeling shows how bad you feel about this. It is over with now and not one of us knows how in certain situations we may be tempted to do the same thing. No one should be judging you at all.
This happened some time ago now and we all make mistakes in life along the way, the important thing is that we learn from them and it sounds to me like you have.

You are NOT a terrible person, if you were you wouldn't be bothered about this at all and would probably still be doing it. You really have to stop beating yourself up over this and accept that you have learnt from it and are not a bad person.
:hugs::hugs:

[Fishmanpa]

It takes a great amount of courage to open up even on a forum as an anonymous person behind a computer screen somewhere in the world.

This event has obviously affected you greatly. Your previous posts show a window into why it happened. There are two sides to the story in every situation. Right or wrong is not so much the issue as it is to confront the reasons behind the actions.

You are having difficulty living the way things are. You say you can't deal with the guilt but at the same time you say you can't deal with the current situation at home. Something has to give.

Marriage counseling is truly in order. If you truly want to save your marriage and your family, then that is the answer. You have to confront demons from many angles and the task isn't admirable. But if you sit there allowing them to throw stones at you day in and day out, it will eventually hurt you too deeply to recover properly.

Sending positive thoughts and prayers

[WhyWhyWhy]

Thankyou both so much.

I wasn't happy and that's my only reason for doing it. He too was married, it just happened. I look at my husband sometimes when he's eating or sleeping and just silently sob with guilt. Since things gave been getting better at home, my husband has been nicer and nicer to me and it's getting harder to bear knowing how I betrayed him.

How do I forgive myself?? I don't think I ever can

Thankyou for being kind xx

---------- Post added at 13:48 ---------- Previous post was at 13:39 ----------

I can't go through with marriage counselling as I'll have come clean and I can't do that especially 2 years on.

I can't hurt him like that. I dread to think how he would take it. He loves me so much and would do anything for me, I'm the bad one, I need to pay for what I did, maybe mentally torturing myself daily is my payback. This is so hard. I can't find the answers but thankyou x

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Mentally torturing yourself does nothing but harm. It harms you, it will harm your husband as his wife will be not be whole.

Can you do individual counseling? At least as a start?

[Annie0904]

I agree with Toomuchtolivefor. You really must learn to forgive yourself for this and move on from it. I think counselling for yourself would be a good idea at least that way you can get the release from actually telling someone face to face and knowing that they will not judge you.

[panickinckers]

Please don't beat yourself up

my mother came clean when she was in her 70's and had a complete breakdown she told us all about her affair 30 years earlier.

My dad told her it made no difference to him even though we all knew the man very well

She had carried the guilt for all those years

her breakdown was caused by something else, she just felt she had to confess to all that she had done wrong in her life

her anxiety and depression drove her to confess

Go see your doctor
they are there to listen not to tell

XX

[WhyWhyWhy]

Individual counselling is something I think I'd benefit from immensely.

I did something this afternoon. I told my oldest best friend. Told her everything, through lots of tears. Her advice

Sweep it under the carpet, tell yourself you got married too young, you made a mistake, one that women make everyday and you are doing the right thing now by working at it. She said I'm not a monster and I've learnt a lesson that many people don't. Lots of people carry on cheating, if they do it once and get away with it they see it as a ticket to do it over and over.

I feel slightly relieved telling her. I need to work on forgiveness. I forgive all the time, often I forgive too easily. I let people off and give them chances and chances. It comes to me and I'm seemingly incapable.

I have ocd too which carries a lot of feelings out guilt.

Bahhhhh I need a hug, a proper big bear hug xxx

[MrAndy]

Individual counselling is something I think I'd benefit from immensely.

I did something this afternoon. I told my oldest best friend. Told her everything, through lots of tears. Her advice

Sweep it under the carpet, tell yourself you got married too young, you made a mistake, one that women make everyday and you are doing the right thing now by working at it. She said I'm not a monster and I've learnt a lesson that many people don't. Lots of people carry on cheating, if they do it once and get away with it they see it as a ticket to do it over and over.

I feel slightly relieved telling her. I need to work on forgiveness. I forgive all the time, often I forgive too easily. I let people off and give them chances and chances. It comes to me and I'm seemingly incapable.

I have ocd too which carries a lot of feelings out guilt.

Bahhhhh I need a hug, a proper big bear hug xxx

:bighug1:

[Annie0904]

:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bigh ug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:: bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighu g1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

I am pleased you were able to tell your friend and gain support from her :)

[almamatters]

Just wanted to send you a big hug :hugs::hugs:x

[WhyWhyWhy]

I love you guys xxx

[Volvoman50]

I agree the best thing now to do is move on. we all make mistakes i have too but its always best to use this as away to be a better person. Passing your guilt onto others will not make things better. Go for individual counselling if you feel it will help but your friend is right.I had similar issues earlier in life and telling my wife did not ease my anxiety one bit so dont let it trick you into that.

[Daisy Sue]

This need you have to tell someone - you've done it! You told us - and nobody here has judged or criticised you. The fact that it's ended over 2 years ago, you've never gone on to have any further affairs, you're so cut up over it even now - all of this says a lot about you, what a good person you are, and how much you think of your husband & your marriage.

My advice is to let it go. Consider this forum as your doorway to letting the 'secret' out and away from you, and concentrate on your hubby & your happiness. To tell him would bring heartache for him, and more heartache for you.

If you want to turn all the negatives into something positive, maybe go along to your nearest hospice, light a candle in the chapel room, and give a donation. It's amazing how different doing this simple thing can make you feel.

[jonny]

I totally agree with everyone else, let it go. Its a life lesson.
Never tell your husband, it will make you feel better for a few minutes as the weight is lifted from you but it is likely to result in irepariable damage to your marriage. you will be giving your pain to him.

Everyone does things in life they aren't proud of or simply shouldn't do. You are far from unique.