Broke down crying yesterday

[jayjoe18]

I just feel so overwhelmed, trapped, under pressure, desperate, I don't know where to turn, my life is a total mess.

My life revolves around doing things for others (which I do willingly) but I just get so frustrated sometimes because I can never do anything for myself, it's hard to explain, I just feel that I rarely enjoy myself or do anything that I want because I am so trapped by anxiety. I have no independance and at nearly 21 it's really hard. I feel a lot of pressure to do things, especially career wise, I want to go to university but I don't see a way to get there. I want to have a job and be part of society, I feel embarrassed and totally ashamed that I am on benefits.

I also feel an absolute loser because I have no social life, no friends at all. I also feel a freak because I have never had a boyfriend, I just don't know how I will ever be able to be intimate with someone. It causes me so much anxiety.

I've had problems for 8 years now and I just feel it's all getting too much, I am desperate to be normal. I don't care if I still have some anxiety, I will learn to deal with it, I know I always will have it. I just want to be able to function and have some sort of a life. Some enjoyment, excitement. Some independance. I really want to drive but my toilet phobia and anxiety holds me back.

This is all part of the reason I broke down yesterday, along with the pressure of an upcoming holiday which I just feel is too much to bear.

I am also confused and impatient with regards to medication, I am on week 12 of 5mg Cipralex, I have seen positive results but if I am still feeling as I have described above, I wonder is 5mg enough? How long do I have to wait to increase and how do you know when you should increase.

On top of this I have started to notice physical and mental strain caused by what I presume is long standing anxiety, I just can't think straight or remember things anymore and I have a lot more physical symptoms than I used to.

I am trying to sort therapy but there will probably be a long wait and to be honest I just feel so unmotivated. I've done therapy many times in the past and I'm just fed up with it.

It's just all too much, I really could break down.

[Mora Mora]

Hey,

Really sorry to hear you're feeling like this, I know myself it's horrible! I've been living with anxiety for 13 years (since I was 8) and ever since then I've never really had a huge social life because of my anxiety. I also felt the pressure of having to go to uni so I went when I was 19 and that lasted all of a year after having a mental breakdown from all the pressure and anxiety.
Since then I've been building myself back up and learning to accept my anxiety; yes it's horrible but no I've come to the conclusion that it'll always be there in one way or another and to me that's ok...
I've had a life changing trip to Madagascar and met people who truly accept me for who I am, sure I might not have a huge group of friends and I don't go to uni but I'm happy and that's all I want from life.

What you're describing sounds exactly like I was when I was at my worst, all I can do is advise. But please take a step back and just breathe and think, where does all this pressure come from? Yourself? If it is then try and pull a bit of it off you. Don't think too far ahead, uni isn't for everyone, while you feel like this just take it day by day :)
Also please try and enjoy your holiday the best you can, it'll be a welcome break! Off anywhere nice and hot?

Anyway hope I've helped a bit :)
Take it easy... Mora Mora

[Antonio2301]

Keep your chin up jayjoe !
Speak to your Doctor and explain everything to him/her if you haven't already . Maybe they can get you seen to for therapy sooner ? They did with me , I was told 9 months to a year waiting list , however when I spoke to my doctor and told her I couldn't carry on like this any more she got me in within 6 weeks . Keep pushing them though !

Hope you feel better in yourself soon :hugs:

[Oosh]

I think you need to start living your life. No more procrastinating. Sign up for a course, uni.

The way you feel, it's not going to change until you face those scenarios you speak of and watch the way you feel change.
You're confidence isn't going to rise until you observe yourself doing it.
Your self esteem isn't going to rise until you see yourself surrounded by others and realise you're just as good as them, feel liked by some and observe yourself liking and enjoying others.
You have to be there to feel those changes take place. And they do. I've done it.

First year college suffering from a lot of anxiety and nervousness.
Spent all my breaks in my car.
Felt anxiety about talking to anyone nevermind mingling in those social places.
I felt it was drawing attention to me so 3/4 way through 1st year I had all my breaks sitting in canteen with a group from my course. I just listened in and said the odd thing.
I started to realise the more I listened and got to know them the more confidence I felt as my self esteem rose as I heard how human and normal they were.
Then I'd start to be amused by them, interested in the things I'd learn from them chatting. I found myself talking more and more and at the end of the year I requested if I could stay with the same class because I feared I'd have to start all over again with new people.
The second year my confidence grew further and by the end of the course I was really sad because I knew that was the end of that and I'd never have that group to see again each day.
It feeds you emotionally to be part of a group like that. It's a basic human need.
Parts of you come alive and surprise you.
The way you see yourself changes because you prove to yourself that so many fears and insecurities you had in your imagination about yourself were wrong.

That journey is terrifying and it's hard but to not do it will leave you stuck alone, imagining the worst and missing out on all of those positive changes in yourself.

You'll meet people you fear, hate, like, enjoy.
The journey you'll go on doing that will teach you people skills, coping strategies, confidence, self esteem and the realisation that there are lots of good people out there. Down that path you could find yourself with a boyfriend and a friend or two who you'll wonder how you lived without.
And I guarantee you you'll look where you are and think "if I wouldn't have made that leap and done this none of this would have happened".

But you're going to have to DO it to feel the changes. They happen in the moment when you're not expecting it.

I can't tell you about cipralex I'm afraid. I think I tried that one a few years after stopping Prozac. It made me tired and lost all sex drive so stopped probably 2-3 months in.

Get a cbt book, there's loads. Make the leap and use us and the book to challenge your thoughts and build yourself the life you want.

[Vonnyj]

Jayjoe

Its Vonny again. If you pm me I will e-mail you some useful info on anxiety which might help you get on the road to recovery whilst waiting for therapy.x

[pinkofire]

Hello Jayjoe I feel like breaking down sometimes and I sometimes do, everything gets too much! Im 19 and hate watching people do things I can't do and have jobs when I struggle to even leave the house without panicking :weep: I do have driving lessons but only because I force myself too do them and can't even see myself being able to take my test.