Cutting people out of your life

[WhyWhyWhy]

Has anyone done this? Cut someone out that is no good for them?

Cutting this person out of my life won't make much difference. In fact they'll probably not even notice until they realise a few months down the line that I haven't made contact. I'm the only one to ever contact and I often feel like a chore. So this isn't the problem

My problem is... The thought of losing someone from my life makes me a anxious. Most people I know don't seen to have a problem cutting people off and freezing them out yet I am struggling to cut someone off who doesn't value my friendship as much I valued theirs

Maybe it's low self esteem. Maybe I'm a coward or desperate for friends??? Can anyone make any sense of this?

[Fishmanpa]

Without getting into detail. Absolutely and several people. There are some that are meant to be in your life forever, some for a season and some that probably shouldn't have been there in the first place ;)

Positive thoughts

[Rennie1989]

I'd rather have no friends then be associated to those who are not worth my time or effort. Sometimes it's for the best to cut people out for our benefit and health. The person you want to cut out clearly is not worth your time so being anxious over it is giving this person unnecessary thought and attention.

[harasgenster]

I get what you're talking about. I've cut people out completely, and others I've just made a decision to see a lot less regularly or only under certain circumstances.

I also worried about losing people. With me it's because I was - and still am to some extent, though I'm getting better - quite emotionally disconnected from people (I didn't bond well) so I always had a sense of loneliness anyway and I the thought of losing a person made me feel even more lonely. Once I understood the root of my loneliness I didn't feel that way about cutting people out so much, though. I've even basically stopped speaking to my dad (not completely cut out but I just don't bother contact him and he doesn't really get in touch with me) and I feel a lot better having done that.

My reason for finding it difficult to 'lose' people may be different from yours, though.

[WhyWhyWhy]

Fishmanpa- I've said it before but I do like your outlook, makes me smile.
Rennie I realise that makes perfect sense, it advice I would give too :)

Harasgenster- I feel lonely a lot although I'm not really. I don't form bonds very well, it's not often I really let someone in, maybe that's a part if it. I also think I have self esteem issues to contend with.

Learning a lot about myself lately. Feeling a bit more positive too tonight xx

[Bonnibelle]

Last year I lost alot of people due to my agoraphobia. So called friends just walked away, the true ones stood by me. Those so called friends now want me back in their lives and often try to meet up with me but I make an excuse and often just ignore then, like they did me.

Those that can't be with your during the storm, certainly don't deserve to be with you during the sunshine. That is what I tell myself. It isn't easy and and i have very few people around me now, but I would rather have real people than fake.

[bigh123]

i thought i was good friends with someone , we chatted all the time , then i had to cancel going to their birthday due to an unexpected bill . They decided to cut me off probably thinking id go chasing friendship , erm no grow up !

if you feel your better off without them you most likely are

[missacorah]

Has anyone done this? Cut someone out that is no good for them?

Cutting this person out of my life won't make much difference. In fact they'll probably not even notice until they realise a few months down the line that I haven't made contact. I'm the only one to ever contact and I often feel like a chore. So this isn't the problem

My problem is... The thought of losing someone from my life makes me a anxious. Most people I know don't seen to have a problem cutting people off and freezing them out yet I am struggling to cut someone off who doesn't value my friendship as much I valued theirs

Maybe it's low self esteem. Maybe I'm a coward or desperate for friends??? Can anyone make any sense of this?

Absolutely. Sometimes I think a little clear out is good for the soul.

When I was completely agoraphobic back in 2007/09 I really found out who my true friends were. One particular 'friend' completely stopped all contact with me as my agoraphobia worsened. We used to have cups of tea at each others houses/phone each other in the evenings...then nothing.She was a fan of local gossip so im guessing once I had nothing to contribute to the conversation she had no interest in me.

About 2 years later when I was back at work etc she saw me and said 'ooh im glad youre out again, fancy a brew?' Needless to say I didn't :D

Keep the people who matter to you and who you matter to and forget the rest x

[harasgenster]

I don't form bonds very well, it's not often I really let someone in, maybe that's a part if it.

I was told that this is definitely a part of it. I was told the reason I don't feel a closeness with a lot of people (although obviously I care about them deeply) is that I hold them at arm's length so that they don't 'find out' about me. I used to use the internet to ask for advice and talk about all of my problems as I wouldn't have told anyone I really knew in case they thought I was weird or too much hassle. I've learned that people are actually interested in supporting me and do want to know about me, even if that means knowing that I'm struggling. It takes quite a bit of practice to open up to people, but when I've asked for help I've been surprised at how many people come to provide it instead of tutting at me or telling me I'm a burden (as I expected). It may be the case that none of this applies to you, but if it does, I would say telling someone you're feeling a bit crap can do you wonders sometimes! It also reduces that feeling of being alone so you won't fear the loss of a person that is doing you no favours quite so much.

[jcd_gad]

Hi,

I was in the same situation on a number of occasions. Used to have a "friend" that used to call me retarded, extremely critical, bullying and belittling. He was extremely jealous of what I had achieved and took it out on my verbally and physically.

I've also dropped contact with anyone associated with him, I feel so much better in myself but I worry about bumping into them in the street. I worry about how they might start against me and worried about how i'll cope as I want nothing to do with them anymore.

I feel that the person ruined my life and used me as a verbal / physical punch bag for his own problems

[WhyWhyWhy]

I was told that this is definitely a part of it. I was told the reason I don't feel a closeness with a lot of people (although obviously I care about them deeply) is that I hold them at arm's length so that they don't 'find out' about me. I used to use the internet to ask for advice and talk about all of my problems as I wouldn't have told anyone I really knew in case they thought I was weird or too much hassle. I've learned that people are actually interested in supporting me and do want to know about me, even if that means knowing that I'm struggling. It takes quite a bit of practice to open up to people, but when I've asked for help I've been surprised at how many people come to provide it instead of tutting at me or telling me I'm a burden (as I expected). It may be the case that none of this applies to you, but if it does, I would say telling someone you're feeling a bit crap can do you wonders sometimes! It also reduces that feeling of being alone so you won't fear the loss of a person that is doing you no favours quite so much.

Well aside from a non productive trip to a doctor last year you guys are the only people I've opened up to. Non of my friends and family know about my deep set anxiety or any weird ocd thoughts I've had. I don't want to scare people off or have them think I'm going to drain them or turn into a burden when everyone has their own problems. Many of my friends and family are dealing with their own crap to be burdened with what many of them will see as an imaginary illness, my family aren't the most sympathetic, and sadly I'm also very ashamed.

I grew up in a rather judgemental environment. If you weren't slim you were a jabba or a chubber, I grew up feeling rather ashamed, ashamed of myself, ashamed of my looks and I feel like I've often embarrassed my parents, well more so my mother. I do think my self esteem is pretty low, although over the years I've had highs during certain situations and circumstances it's generally set at low

Thankyou xx

[Antonio2301]

I see a few here that have or had agoraphobia and yes you will definitely find out who your true friends are with this condition . I had a sisters friend who I haven't seen for years and had a Facebook friends request ,we got chatting and she asked if id like to meet up one day in my village for coffee .At the time I was agoraphobic and explained this to her and why I could`nt venture far from home

I was called a "Freak" when I explained what agoraphobia was, she thought it was the fear of spiders :doh: (Those things don`t frighten me !! :roflmao: ) .. Anyway she lasted about 10 seconds after that comment before deleting her . You`ll find no matter where you go online ,outside , wherever there's a lot of ignorant people out there towards mental illness.. I tend now to keep things to myself unless I`m talking to those that understand

I don`t have to explain myself to anyone and neither does anyone else
If they don`t like it and choose to criticise or judge you then tell em to jog on , you never know one day they might just end up with it themselves, although I wouldn`t wish it on anyone I`ll add

[jcd_gad]

Hi,

A good way of working, i'll try that myself....

Do like your quote!

James

[meche]

I was also picked on by a 'friend' when I was younger and it dented my confidence hugely. I seemed to be the butt of her jokes and she would mock me at every opportunity and not one person stuck up for me. I think this is the reason why I am hugely independent. Apart from my family, I can count the amount of close friends and people I truly trust on one hand. I have 'work' friends, 'gym' friends and other friends from different aspects of my life but as lovely as they I don't hold them close.... if that makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is that you know in your heart who your true friends really are. If something doesn't feel right or the friendship is very one-sided then it's not 'true'. I wouldn't even bother cutting ties - just get on with your life and let your friend get on with hers.

Funnily enough I met my 'bully' at a friends wedding a couple of years back and she apologised to me. Apparantly she often thought about how bad she had treated me and had lots of regrets. We're actually quite good friends now and soicialise now and again. She's a lovely person. Strange how things turn out. :)

[Munki]

I've felt this for years with my two step sisters. They make no effort at all and constantly bitch. I see the one who bad mouths the other then she gushes when she sees her. I end up feeling horrible when I'm around them. It's one of their husbands 40th this weekend and my husbands said hes not going as hey didn't even wish him a happy birthday. I plan to do the same as him.

[Cheesemonster13]

It depends. If your gut-feeling tells you that a person is no good for you, I should cut them out of your life. You may find it hard to make a decision one way or the other because you have lost confidence in your ability to judge - that happens to me when my anxiety and/or depression is bad.

Having said that, don't rush into making serious decisions, particularly when you are very emotional. Give yourself some time to consider, perhaps making a pros- and cons-list to help you decide.

If associating with someone is detrimental to your health and well-being, it would really be advisable to have little or nothing to do with them. However, don't cut them off just to punish them for something, as that is ultimately an unhealthy way of dealing with people. I know this, coming from a family that is passive-aggressive in that way, rather than assertive, and its members have a tendency to send people to Coventry (including me) for even minor transgressions.

[littlebutterflygb]

Odd to see these comments; when I posted on the social phobia forum about deciding not to contact a friend who kept 'dropping' me, the reactions were very different!

Horses for courses...