View Full Version : Family Problems (Long Post Warning)
Hello everyone,
I don't know why but I've never felt like this was much of a problem until today.
My mum and dad split up the day before my 9th birthday, because my dad was seeing someone else. I use to sit on the stairs listening to my mum cry all night, my dad even threatened to punch me. He then left and got married, and took all of my mums money which together they had made through a business.
We then had to move to a tiny house, and I also lost my dog.
After that, my mum had been with a couple of different people for a couple of years which always ended in me seeing mum being reduced to nothing and having to protect her, my brother was too young to understand what was going on.
She then got with a man who she's still with today after 5 years, I never liked him from the start, simply because of what's happened in the past, I even held a knife to him, which yeah I dislike now.
The first couple of years he was okay, this was probably because I was out all the time and my Anxiety hadn't surfaced yet, it was when I found out he was doing drugs that things got a little worse.
It was a typical thing for the people were I lived to have house party's and stuff, most of them are upper class kids who just have too much money to spend, and my step dad came from a typically lower class setting so you can sort of understand the silly things that ended up happening which made me feel a little uneasy.
Anyway, basically my latest and most servere bout of anxiety was caused by my mum physically beating my step dad, they have always argued ALOT and I had always defended mum. But this turned everything on it's head, I mean I feel like I don't know her anymore. I have to protect my little sister when they argue because I would hate for her to go through what I did. My brother is always out and doesn't seem to care.
I have got my nan involved but my mums just saying the same thing again 'I know it's got to be sorted out' ect.
My stepdads also an alcoholic and drinks from 12 most days.
Sorry, I keep pouring my problems out to people on here, I just have no one else to talk too as I lost everyone, I guess I'm lost aswell.
I'm staying at my nans at the moment because it's really making me ill, I guess this has never seemed like a problem because it's been going on for so long and I've always thought it may be caused by other things, maybe it's a combination of quite a few, I don't know.
Now my mum and step dad not only drink every night, I'm sure they smoke something as well.
I feel SO ashamed to post this but i can't keep on trying to help my family stay together and constantly acting as a ring leader. Every time I go home things seem okay for a while, then it just starts to get worse again.
Theres so many things I haven't wrote to keep this short and to save a life story so yeah.
Help someone? I can't tell my psychiatrist..
Do you think that all this caused your anxiety in the first place?
Do you think that all this caused your anxiety in the first place?
I don't know Phuzella, thank you for the reply, I'm just stuck at the moment because there's so many things going on and I don't know where to go or what to do, I'm really trying my hardest to push forward positively but I just feel so overwhelmed :(
There have been other things that could of caused it but yeah, like I said I have no idea. I just know this thing with my parents isn't helping at all :l
Rennie1989
29-01-14, 16:08
I think it's silly to not disclose this to your psychiatrist, do you not think it would be very beneficial to tell them?
In the mean time, it's a good idea that you are at your nan's, it seems to be the best place. Where are your younger siblings and how old are they, because if they're under 16 and being exposed to this environment then something needs to be done for their safety, as they are at risk of neglect and emotional harm.
Unfortunately your mum is an adult and is entirely responsible for her actions. If she is attacking her husband you can call the police but only he can press charges, and I can only assume it would not happen. You could write her a letter, explaining how this is making you feel and how upset you are to see her like this. It could be what she needs to begin tackling her issues.
I hope you're all safe and well. Take care.
I'm not surprised, you really have a lot going on at home at the moment. Is there no one you could talk to about it all? My husband was an alcoholic so I understand a bit of your situation. I think my anxiety possibly started when I was young, my dad was gay, so life was, well, unusual shall we say lol.
I guess the thing is, don’t feel that you have to try and sort your family out, get yourself recovered, that's important.
I won't babble on any more, just keep on keeping on :)
TooMuchToLiveFor
29-01-14, 16:19
Hey Luna,
I want to encourage you to open up to your pdoc about this. This is a huge part of your emotional framework, and I know you are brave enough to take this next step in your recovery journey.
Unfortunately, family dysfunction is not rare, but because of that there are many here and elsewhere who will be able to relate and understand what you are going through.
Hang in there, buddy, you have been doing very well, and I am guessing this is all surfacing for you now because you are strong enough to deal with it. :hugs:
Thank you Rennie, Phuzella and TMT, My mum hasn't done it for a couple of months but they still argue which keeps me on edge thinking something similar could happen again.
I know they would never hurt my brother or sister. I just can't stand them experiencing what I did. My brother doesn't seem to mind it going on, I guess he's grown up with it and he's never really seen what I have. They both seem to be fine, but I can't understand why.
I feel my mum gets really frustrated with my step dad because he thinks she's seeing someone. but she would never do that after what happened originally.
I'm probably silly to write this on here, but yeah. I felt I had too. How do I delete this? :(
Thank you again, I do feel strong enough, just I'm a little lost as to what to do.
TooMuchToLiveFor
29-01-14, 16:37
No need for deleting....you are just feeling vulnerable right now as you have opened up a wound that needs cleansing in order to heal.
If you don't know how to share this with your pdoc- just print out your opening post and take it to him/her.
You may feel vulnerable right now, but what you don't realize is the strength you have shown just posting this. It is a continuation of the diary you have started on here. And, in doing so---- you may not see the results for a little while, but this has started a shrinking reaction in your dragon.
Thank you, I really am trying my hardest but as I've said, so many things keep popping up.
I guess I just feel ashamed to be posting this on here,
Your right my dragon is shrinking, but he keeps calling friends for help, to be honest I suppose this is just me calling my friends for help :)
TooMuchToLiveFor
29-01-14, 17:14
And we are here for you. :hugs:
Please keep posting here. You need to be able to let it out and everyone here will support you best we can. You must tell your pdoc what is going on. I come from a dysfunctional family too, but in my day there was no support. I ended up on diazepam from the age of 10 but no one ever questioned why I needed them! Thankfully things have changed nowadays and there is support for you ...take it! You should not have to carry this burden as it is not of your doing. I cannot emphasise how important this is. I wish there had been help for me then, perhaps, I wouldn't be having my anxiety problems now. There is a really good book called Healing the Shame that binds you which explains how we take on what the author calls 'toxic shame' when we come from dysfunctional families. You have been very brave trying to cope with all this but it's time to think about you and your needs and wants. Xx
Thank you Jilly, I just feel protecting my mum, brother and sister comes first. I guess I've just been ignoring myself so much I've ended up like this.
My needs and wants are for everyone to be happy for once, and sometimes it seems like it's come true, but then it just turns instantly :l
Catherine S
29-01-14, 18:08
Perhaps you feel that telling your therapist would open up a Pandora's box and result in the authorities finding out about your home situation, whereas, venting on here is safer? That's understandable. But if nothing is done to resolve the situation it could get much worse?
Perhaps you feel that telling your therapist would open up a Pandora's box and result in the authorities finding out about your home situation, whereas, venting on here is safer? That's understandable. But if nothing is done to resolve the situation it could get much worse?
That's exactly how I feel, and it's also why I don't know what to do :(
Catherine S
29-01-14, 18:25
Its alot for you to feel responsible for. As well as asking for advice on here, is there somebody you can talk to face to face who you trust? Sounds awful but it should be your mum in an ideal world but is there anybody who could help such as the Samaritans? They don't only deal with people who want to end it all, they talk to you about everything and would know how to advise you.
---------- Post added at 19:25 ---------- Previous post was at 19:23 ----------
....and they wouldn't betray your trust and tell anybody else anything either.
Well I have no friends except people on here which is why I posted, I guess I could go to the Samaritans, Im not sure.
Flat Stanley
30-01-14, 07:44
Sorry, I keep pouring my problems out to people on here, I just have no one else to talk too as I lost everyone, I guess I'm lost aswell.
Hi Luna,
Please don't be sorry, there is certainly no need for you to be. From what I have read your anxiety is not your fault.
I thought I had it rough when I was growing up but compared to the story you have just told my home life was utopian by comparison.
Remember, depression and anxiety are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign that you have had to be too strong for too long. It upsets me to think how strong you have had to be to survive your family situation when someone your age you should be enjoying your life, not having to fight it. The level of stress that you have had to endure is way beyond that which anyone could be expected to cope with, and yet you still find time to protect your young sister.
Luna, having read some of your other posts you sound to me like you are the most sane member of your family. I think it must be clear to anyone reading your posts that you are looking for ways to solve your anxiety issues and move forward, and that issues such as drink, drugs and violence bother you. That tells me that you are most likely an intelligent person, and as intelligent people are prone to do, you are seeking a solution. That's a good thing!
I honestly do believe that anyone put in your position would develop anxiety and depression, so you are not to blame for your current state of mental health. Your mind is crying out for healing and is trying desperately to deal with the events that you have had to endure from such a young age.
I wish I had a solution for you, but unfortunately I do not. I do however have every confidence that you will be strong enough to get through this, and that soon enough you will be able to move on to a more stable environment, one in which you will be able to bring down the mental shields and barriers, the ones that you have had to put up to deal with your mum, dad, step-dad etc, and focus on healing yourself.
Regards
FS
Thank you Flat Stanley,
I seem to have been seeking a solution for years, I'm sure I will find it eventually but I guess it's just keeping strong enough in the short term.
Those things you listed do bother me, a lot. They're also why it's virtually impossible for me to speak to my parents and sort this out that way, I have lost count of how many times I have tried to talk to mum about this. But every time you can just see it's almost like a robot speaking, they are telling you all the right things, but there's an empty detached feeling, like their words are hollow and lack all meaning.
It's funny, because even after all this time, I still believe they can change.
Hi LunaLiuna,
They sound like a toxic family. It's unlikely that you can cure their problems - they are probably too much inground.
My advice is for you to get away and get some emotional distance, so you can set up your own life without feeling responsible for their problems.
Thankyou hanshan,
I agree they can be toxic, but they're also my family, I'm sure you would try to help them, I'm too young at the moment to properly distance myself from them, but I spend a lot of my time at my nans which helps a lot :)
Luna, please don't be embarrassed by posting your story on here. Sharing our life situations with folks who understand is one way that we unburden ourselves and get better. Your story is heart breaking and not so different in some ways from my own.
My younger brother died on mu 8th birthday and life as I had previously known it changed dramatically. My Father began to drink heavily and there were constant fights and shouting. Ny brother, not being able to control my brothers death, saw me as the one thing that she could control.
I lost a couple years of my life that I can't really remember (our minds way of protecting us ) and by the age of 11 or so, I was having anxiety.
Please talk to your therapist about these family issues, as it can help so much to undo the damage that has been done. Hang in there my man.
Thank you Tanner, I'm sorry to hear about your brother,
As I've said, it's so hard to know where too start, I mean I don't want my family to be torn apart by me this time.
I'm going home today so I will most probably post here or in my diary if anything goes wrong.
I hope things are going better for you, I know we can all get through this :)
How old are you Luna ?
You paint a scenario that's not ideal.
People aren't perfect. Adults can struggle too. The scenario your dad has left you and your mum in is the root of all this I think.
How your mum must have felt after that I find it hard to even imagine.
Left with no money, no partner, with children. Took the business by the sounds of it. It's hard to make new relationships from there.
I can imagine you'd take whatever you could.
Did she marry the current bloke then ?
I think the key here is just how you look at it.
People who are driven are often driven by painful pasts.
Adversity builds character.
Growing up easy with everything to hand can breed weakness and a lack of character.
Your situation isn't ideal. But what happens from here depends on how you choose to see it. Yours and their future doesn't fail because of how it IS. It is dependent on how you see it.
It can drive you or break you.
Your mums a stranger now. Put yourself in her shoes after what's happened. That's what those events will do to a person. Ending up with a pot smoking alcoholic is an annoying complication. Scrambling around trying to find a replacement for your father would have been hard enough.
Those two people, with what they're dealing with are meant to look like what you're seeing.
That's where those two find themselves. He's drowning out whatever negative feelings he wants to forget, whilst smoking weed which makes him paranoid your mums seeing someone else.
Your mums thinking" annoying paranoid git. What a catch. But I can't pick and choose in my situation. Better than being alone. I'll just take my frustration out on him instead"
They're struggling along, just like the people on this board.
And it's almost too big for you to do anything about.
It's too complicated.
Just try to empathise and learn from it too.
It's been really hard for your mum.
You don't have to let it ruin your life. You dont have to fix it.
It might be a bit noisy when they're kicking off at each other !
But you can accept who they are, why they're there and just accept for now that's that's where they're both at.
Be there for your mum ? Some of us might appear as far gone as her to the people around us. But the end of the day she's struggling just like we are.
I think empathy will help you deal with it.
Give her any help you can. It'd be nice to see both the weed and booze gone.
They could go at it like this for years until they end up at AA. It'd be nice if they could take a shortcut there, leaving only their relationship problems to talk through. She's gonna be hard to help though. Be there for her ? Even if she's a stranger right now. I think you all need to accept each other, who you are and try and look after each other after your dad leaving you all.
It's a positive thing to do, helping and understanding each other and more beneficial to you than fighting.
Hopefully with a handle on that back to the important stuff, you !
Whatever's going on with them, that irritating noise downstairs, you need to focus on you and your future. Adversity builds character, you'll get a handle on them downstairs and move forward tackling your own problems with YOUR life.
Your mum and dad had a business. Do you have any ideas for a business ?
Maybe you'll be good at it. Running your own business avoids a lot of the social/mixing problems that come with being an employee or a student at uni/college. And it's a very positive, productive thing to focus on.
It'd also be good timing to have a girlfriends house to disappear around to ?
If your in your teens this is where you would be nearing anyway.
Have a look online. Lots of lonely people out there stuck at their computers who'd love to know you exist. "Feel the fear and do it anyway". Bit corny but it's true.
Focus on girlfriends, businesses, your future, helping and being there for your family and letting this start DRIVE you and not break you.
It's character building. It'll make you strong.
Telling psychiatrist ? Only telling them they drink, smoke pot. Nobody's in danger. Why not. Don't see what he could do though. If he can just give you someone to talk to that'd be good. But advice in that sort of scenario would just tend to be "will your mum go to AA, see the gp ? "
Talk to AA ?
Not a terrible idea.
I think there's one called Alanon or something which is for relatives of alcoholics. That might be a good one to start with. Even if it's just for a chat.
Thank you Oosh,
Well I'm not to sure how to reply to that post except thank you!
You've highlighted how and why they are doing the things they do and it gives me great comfort to know that people like you and everyone else on here (you know who you are) are willing to spend so much time helping me.
My problem is I never put myself first, I will always do all I can to help other people, and I honestly can't see that changing. From helping other people I feel better but with my parents it's impossible because it seems to fall to deaf ears. As I have said before though I will always be there if they do need the help.
Focusing on those things you listed, especially the girlfriend part is a little hard. I have no friends let alone someone like that! haha :)
Anyway, I'm going to tell my psychiatrist when I see him on Monday, and I'm doing all the studying I can towards my future. I know where I want to go, and what I want to do, it just feels like without the stability of my family it's going to be incredibly hard to get there. I know I will though, I guess it's just the journey ahead that makes me uneasy.
I can't see mum or my step dad getting help for their problems as they view it as normal to argue. Which is why I was so invested in trying to help them.
Thank you again everyone, I haven't felt so supported like this in years :)
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